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Old 12-11-2013, 12:04 PM
 
68 posts, read 71,738 times
Reputation: 39

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jasper03 View Post
I actually feel bad for you willmessmaker. You've learned a powerful lesson. Sorry doesn't fix everything and you messed up big time and now will have to live with that for the rest of your life. I hope that at some point your son can find some mercy (which you do not deserve) and forgive you. I think that's the best you can hope for and you have to understand that you will never be close. Hopefully, if you continue to work on it maybe if you have a grandchild at some point he will allow you to be in that child's life.
Don't be sorry for me, I knew what was waiting for me. I definitely learned a lesson and I think I'm a better person now because of it.

Oh I forgot to tell that I asked him if he hated me and he said no because hate takes too much energy and I don't deserve that. He said he wishes me no bad and hopes I live a very long life away from them.

Oh yes, the thought of having a grandchild leaves me all fuzzy but I know that will hardly happen.
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Old 12-11-2013, 12:07 PM
 
13,137 posts, read 17,692,811 times
Reputation: 19737
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Nobody in this world is perfect, but there are a great deal many people in this world who will inconvenience themselves greatly in order to live up to their responsibilities and not hurt other people.
Judge and Jury???
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Old 12-11-2013, 12:11 PM
 
Location: Alaska
5,356 posts, read 16,311,627 times
Reputation: 4023
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamMessMaker View Post
Thanks. I reflected and knew she would feel disrespected if I didn't try to reach him through her.
You're welcome. If you want to have some semblance of a relationship with your son, your only opportunity is to go through her. It sounds like she's a good mother who'll know his hate for you is not a good thing. I'd consider calling and thanking her for passing the letter on, letting her know how the meeting went and that you deserved it. Depending on how the conversation goes, you could offer future support, leaving it to her to contact you. If you're lucky, she may put the past behind them and figure a cordial relationship between your son and you would be better than none. While she can't force it, she can pave the way.
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Old 12-11-2013, 12:12 PM
 
3,445 posts, read 5,046,369 times
Reputation: 6092
WilliamMessMaker's cold retelling of this story in his life clearly indicates he a soulless excuse for a human being. No wonder he has no one in his life.

The best your son could have done is NOT meet you. You didnt deserve it and it only fueled your heartlessness.
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Old 12-11-2013, 12:15 PM
 
13,137 posts, read 17,692,811 times
Reputation: 19737
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamMessMaker View Post
I had thought about it already but don't know how to approach it. I currently have my brother and nephews in my will. I wouldn't know how to divide it with a fourth beneficiary.
Without sounding judgmental - did you not post your own answer?
You cannot turn time with a phone call after 20 years. Scary when it hits you in your "post expat days" and you have time to think. This may not make sense to those who did not live that life.
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Old 12-11-2013, 12:22 PM
 
68 posts, read 71,738 times
Reputation: 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by ElizaTeal View Post
OP, how much do you think you'd owe in child support arrears?
I have no idea. Never raised a child. About half a million or more?
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Old 12-11-2013, 12:28 PM
 
Location: Noblesville, IN
3,695 posts, read 4,078,863 times
Reputation: 6220
Quote:
Originally Posted by 30to66at55 View Post
WilliamMessMaker's cold retelling of this story in his life clearly indicates he a soulless excuse for a human being. No wonder he has no one in his life.

The best your son could have done is NOT meet you. You didnt deserve it and it only fueled your heartlessness.
I feel utterly compelled to say WOW...this is harsh, uncalled for and just plain mean.

When I read the original post and even this thread, I thought here's a guy who is telling it like it is. He could've been wishy-washy around the point or the dozens of harsh questions that were asked, but he answered them...probably knowing that the truth was awful and it made him look pitiful.

What I've gathered though is that he is in this learning process of how to become less selfish...how to try to make amends to people he harmed. HOW MANY PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO THAT? He knows the truth and is able to share it with us...he's taken away a lot from the comments posted. He followed advice on the best way to approach the mom/son. He realizes that it would be hard and that he deserved such a response...but are WE the type of people to say such crappy things to him?

I was asked once why I wasn't more angry with my mother when she didn't come to see me when I had cancer. I said that while that hurt me, I didn't want to be THAT person who took that anger and used it against her and anyone else. I don't want to be that kind of person...I think the OP feels the same. He doesn't want to be that guy anymore and is trying to change. Why on earth would some of these posts emulate the harshness of the OP's former acts?

IDK, OP, maybe you do feel a bit lonely and as you look back at your life, you see where you went wrong. I think that shows growth...even if you never see your son again, you made the effort to try to make amends. Some say too little, too late. That may be true, but if in your heart, you feel you've truly changed, then GOOD FOR YOU.

I agree that maybe you can send/give money to the mother with the hopes that she will use it for herself and son. It's not a matter of buying someone off...it's a last ditch effort to offer something they may actually need and you have. I don't see anything wrong with that. They may be too proud, but maybe not.
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Old 12-11-2013, 12:30 PM
 
Location: in my mind
4,752 posts, read 6,500,804 times
Reputation: 9476
Given the circumstances, I think your decision to meet this boy was the right thing to do.

You gave him the chance to verbalize his feelings directly to your face, and if you respect his decision to leave him alone from now on, then you will show that for the first time in his life, you have put his feelings above your own.
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Old 12-11-2013, 12:31 PM
 
13,675 posts, read 13,514,075 times
Reputation: 39794
Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
And in turn you're talking about the mindset of someone 24/25 years ago compared to today and making an assumption that people just don't change. Nobody is perfect at any given time in life and nobody is perfect for the duration either. Good grief.
Ah, but think about this: He never worried about this kid for those entire 24/25 years, and it was only an accidental encounter with a full-grown young man that changed his decision regarding involvement. This wasn't decades of torment, but a whim solidified into action.

Nobody is perfect, indeed, but it is a rare soul that can maintain that sort of neglect and irresponsibility for that long, while admitting they've lived a comfortable life.

I've known some deadbeat dad types - some have been financially strapped guys with really messed-up lives. The excuses they make tend to be that they'll get back in touch with their kids when they get enough money together or get their legal/addiction/whatever problems taken care of. None of those are good excuses, but the ongoing torment makes me think that it would be nice if their kids at least gave them a little bit benefit of the doubt.

Then I've run into a few who haven't given a crap about their kids at all and just viewed them as not their problem. The OP falls into this category. There were no looks back, not even the vaguest wish to be involved or make things right, until he saw a fully grown version of the child that just so happens to resemble him. What narcissist would be able to resist that?

All this dissembling on here about how he "understands" and just wants to help his kid is just typical reaction from a narcissist who has been called out for indefensible behavior. (I am pretty sure of this, because my own father is a narcissist - but still a damn good father. I know the behaviors pretty well.)

He's now coming to the last 20 or so years of his life and he's finding that no one's paying attention to him - that's a fate worst than death for a narcissist. So he made a last ditch effort with his biological child while leveraging his story to generate a bunch of threads on here.

I don't get a kick out of seeing anyone spend their last years alone, but... yeah, you reap what you sow.
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Old 12-11-2013, 12:53 PM
 
68 posts, read 71,738 times
Reputation: 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by akck View Post
You're welcome. If you want to have some semblance of a relationship with your son, your only opportunity is to go through her. It sounds like she's a good mother who'll know his hate for you is not a good thing. I'd consider calling and thanking her for passing the letter on, letting her know how the meeting went and that you deserved it. Depending on how the conversation goes, you could offer future support, leaving it to her to contact you. If you're lucky, she may put the past behind them and figure a cordial relationship between your son and you would be better than none. While she can't force it, she can pave the way.
Yes, I'll cal her again to thank her and reassure her that if one of them needs anything, they shouldn't hesitate to contact me.
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