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Old 12-17-2013, 04:56 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
33,235 posts, read 20,081,203 times
Reputation: 12984

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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post


Focus on what you do like and what works for you - ignore what you don't like and pray she does the same.
I think when she is taking her anti depressant, she is easier to talk to. I will just try to ignore what I don't like to hear like you suggested and go from there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PAhippo View Post
Then take her to a fairly nice restaurant (less chance of non productive tantrums) and talk. and listen. Ask her what she expects from you: to listen? advice? a shoulder to cry on?

Listen to what she says. If it's something you're willing/able to give, fine. If not tell her. Hopefully she will listen.
Yeah, obviously, I have to make the first move because she is the one who is depressed. I will take her shopping because I know she hasn't even started her Christmas shopping yet.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jeremy1988 View Post
You have to make a choice as to what you can live with.

Do you want to live with your Sister out of your life because she's pissed at you, even though you were in the right and trying to help? Or would you rather apologize even though you were right, and have her back in your life?

Would you rather burn a bridge with your Sister, or tell her what she wants to hear and put up with her bad behavior while holding back your real feelings?

It doesn't mean you don't love her, it's just a matter of whether you can deal with her. If you can't, there's no shame in that. It's your life, and you have a right to exclude her from it if she's too much for you.

If you really want her in your life warts and all, then you know what you have to do. You have to be the bigger person and apologize to someone who should be apologizing to you.

But you are under no obligation to do so, and failing to do it doesn't prove you don't love her. It just proves she's exhausted you
.
Thank you! I really enjoyed reading your post. Pretty balanced stuff!

I would have to be the bigger person if I want her in my life. I don't plan on losing her because I do love her. I guess I am just mentally exhausted, I feel no matter what I have done, it is never good enough for her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by allenk893 View Post
I have a mother that is similar to your sister and I've had to cut her off somewhat from my life because I was tired of hearing the sob stories and her making the same mistakes over and over again in her life. People like that, you can't really help. You can only pray for them.
She perhaps wants me to be there for her. After all, I am the first person she goes to when she is in trouble. She is 11 years older than me. I am 28, she is 39. I have been so happy for her because she finally decided to kick her cheating husband to the curb. Now, she told us that she didn't want to be single mother. I just don't want to her moaning about her marriage anymore because I sure don't want to be in this codependent relationship with her. It is toxic.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
Wow--your sister is quite the emotional manipulator as evidenced by her statement: You don't apologize means you don't love me. Some of what you wrote sounds like things a child would do or say. I'm very curious as to your ages. Based on what you wrote (she was married), I have to assume you are both adults, but your relationship is still quite childlike.
My sister has been dealing with depression for decades. I learned from relationship therapist that we have codependent type of relationship. I am not going to sit here and pretend I am perfect. I am far from being perfect. But I am the kind of person who wears my emotions on my sleeve. I sometimes say things I don't mean. But I really do care about her. Plus, I am dealing with a lot of stress right now. I sometimes feel she refuses to work with me. I wish she can just let my anger words go and cut me some slack.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn View Post
It is hard for me to see my sis 120 pounds overweight...oh well...my words get her upset...so my job is just to love her where she's at...as she kills herself slowly...
I've done what I could...now I'm free of the burden of influencing another...
It is very difficult to see somebody you love throwing their life away. I've been quite happy for her because she finally decided to file for divorce. (She had a cheating husband). But now, she changed her mind simply because she doesn't want to be a single mother. I think I did lose a lot of respect for her. It is not possible to offer unconditional support. It is almost like enabling bad behavior.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kab0906 View Post
Apologize.

Then distance yourself from her drama. Guess what? You can't fix her. You also can't make decisions for her.

Stop answering the phone in the middle of the night. Set boundaries. She'll probably resent that, too. But she drew this line in the sand, now you have to make her follow it. You'll need to tell her that you choose to love her rather than be 'right' but to continue to love her means you cannot be the one she turns to when things go south because she doesn't want to hear your advice. Then give her the name of a counselor.
She went from counselors after counselors. Nothing seems to work. At this point, I am going to set boundaries.

Quote:
Originally Posted by XRiteMA98 View Post
Dear to me it sounds like you should put your differences aside. Having a sister, means love her unconditionally and she you. Probably both of you should apologize to each other, that try to spen some time just enjoying each other company. You want her well being, but this doesnt mean you have to force her to do what you want and then get upset. if you think your ideas are better and her wrong explain logically to her why, and show her the possible consequences to her actions. If both of you are adults you should be able to discuss about issues in a more rational manner. I know, it's easier said than done.
Thank you !!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
Life is short. Apologize, give her a hug and move on.

It's fine to set boundaries, such as "please don't call me after 10 p.m. or before 6 a.m." But it sounds like you too love each other, so it's time to make up.
I am going to. Matter of fact, I will call her tomorrow morning and take her Christmas shopping. We usually kiss and make up fairly quickly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thatswanlady View Post
Honestly, without more details and history, I'm not sure what to think.

It's possible that she is making horrible life decisions and throwing her life away, but from what I read here, it seems equally possible that she's simply making different decisions than what you think she should make and it's really bothering you. That's no judgment on you, it's just hard to tell from the lack of information in this post.

You both sound like you press each other's "drama" button -- I think sisters have a tendency to do that to each other anyway, but this seems heightened.

First things first, absolutely set boundaries. Set your phone on silent (or turn it off entirely) from 9pm until you're dressed and ready to go in the morning. I do something similar to this, and though I might look at my phone periodically in the evening if time allows, it is not a priority for me and I return any messages the next day.

Next, I think you both owe each other an apology -- her moreso than you, but still, you as well. She is in the wrong for numerous reasons, but telling someone you don't care about them is harsh, regardless of the frustration and situation around it.

The holidays tend to amp up emotions anyway, and I think the best thing to do here is to wait a few more days to let cooler heads prevail. You may be dealing with a version of this throughout your life with her, since my impression is that she's prone to such things -- but try to control your reaction to it. People like this want you to go to their level and cave to their drama. Keeping your responses neutral and non-reactionary is the best thing to do here. Sometimes it makes them crazier, but sometimes it also makes them start to talk like a rational human being.
We both are under a lot of pressure and stress. This year is difficult for my family. My bro is in the hospital, my other bro is in England for a long business trip. I feel I only have my sister to lean on. I don't know the right things to say to her. It is very frustrating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aleecya View Post
IT takes nothing from you to say sorry.
I will say sorry to her and hopefully, she is going to apologize to me as well. It doesn't feel very good when she said "I am okay if you are not in my life." Even though I know she didn't mean it.
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Old 12-17-2013, 05:00 PM
 
11,118 posts, read 8,527,266 times
Reputation: 28064
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
I honestly really do love my sister with all my heart. But lately, we have been fighting constantly. Long story short, I just don't agree with many of her decisions and I believe that she is slowly throwing her life away and I don't like it.
You don't have to agree with her life choices. That has nothing to do with you. It's her life. She can do with it whatever she wants.

What you can do is to choose to maintain a relationship with your sister by establishing acceptable boundaries that you both agree with.

You don't like how she's handling her career? Then her career is off the table for discussion. Don't like her boyfriends? Then her love life is off the table. You get the point.

There is still a bunch of stuff to build a relationship on without touching the agreed upon "no talk" list.

The thing is, YOU have to decide that loving your sister and having a relationship is worth the effort of dealing with the boundaries.

It's up to you.
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Old 12-17-2013, 05:07 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
33,235 posts, read 20,081,203 times
Reputation: 12984
Quote:
Originally Posted by charlygal View Post
You don't have to agree with her life choices. That has nothing to do with you. It's her life. She can do with it whatever she wants.

What you can do is to choose to maintain a relationship with your sister by establishing acceptable boundaries that you both agree with.

You don't like how she's handling her career? Then her career is off the table for discussion. Don't like her boyfriends? Then her love life is off the table. You get the point.

There is still a bunch of stuff to build a relationship on without touching the agreed upon "no talk" list.

The thing is, YOU have to decide that loving your sister and having a relationship is worth the effort of dealing with the boundaries.

It's up to you.
I wish it was just her career.

I am 28 years old and my sis is 39. She has been dealing with depression for decade. I have always been there for my sister. But I feel I can no longer offer her "unconditional" support even though my love for her is pretty close to unconditional.

She decided to file for divorce couple months ago and we even took her out for a celebration. Now she turned around and told us that she changed her mind. After all, she doesn't want to be a single mother. I think she is just afraid of changing. She hasn't worked for seven years. She has been using her trust fund and never offered to help out with family businesses. She just shouldn't be so spoiled and have this astonishing sense of entitlement in my opinion.

My brother is in the hospital dealing with potentially life threatening illness. I have been working on average 11 hours a day (matter of fact, I am still in our family's retail store working at this very moment. That is why I can post) We perhaps don't have to worry about money, but we still have to work hard in order to maintain what we have.

Her husband quit his job because his coworkers didn't like him. Both of them have been asking our parents for money. It is really difficult to swallow it when she accused us not been there for her. I don't want to see her been taken advantage of by her freeloader husband. That is why I tried not to talk about her marriage, but her marriage is the only thing she wanted to talk about. I just don't understand why.

I don't know what kind of mental illness she has at this point. One therapist said she has depression, the other one said she has bipolar. whatever she has, I know she is in pain. But I am mentally exhausted, especially during holiday season.
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Old 12-17-2013, 06:10 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,141,087 times
Reputation: 22373
Don't let someone drag you down simply b/c you share some DNA.

If you wouldn't take the same abuse from other friends . . . don't be pushed into feeling you have to take emotional abuse from someone just b/c of an accident of birth.

To do otherwise is to enable the behavior.
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Old 12-17-2013, 06:14 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
33,235 posts, read 20,081,203 times
Reputation: 12984
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Don't let someone drag you down simply b/c you share some DNA.

If you wouldn't take the same abuse from other friends . . . don't be pushed into feeling you have to take emotional abuse from someone just b/c of an accident of birth.

To do otherwise is to enable the behavior.
I agree with you especially the last paragraph. Thank you.
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Old 12-17-2013, 07:59 PM
 
8,018 posts, read 6,597,289 times
Reputation: 12048
Quote:
Originally Posted by kab0906 View Post
Apologize.

Then distance yourself from her drama. Guess what? You can't fix her. You also can't make decisions for her.

Stop answering the phone in the middle of the night. Set boundaries. She'll probably resent that, too. But she drew this line in the sand, now you have to make her follow it. You'll need to tell her that you choose to love her rather than be 'right' but to continue to love her means you cannot be the one she turns to when things go south because she doesn't want to hear your advice. Then give her the name of a counselor.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
Yeah, I think the above is good stuff.

Apologize for being kinda mean (though justifiably so) during your argument. But don't give her anything more than that. It's all about setting boundaries right now.
This is the best advice on this thread. You've posted about your sister and her poor choices before. I think that now you are at a crossroads in your relationship. It's hard to see a loved one waste their life like this. My sympathies.
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Old 12-17-2013, 09:25 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
33,235 posts, read 20,081,203 times
Reputation: 12984
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ro2113 View Post
This is the best advice on this thread. You've posted about your sister and her poor choices before. I think that now you are at a crossroads in your relationship. It's hard to see a loved one waste their life like this. My sympathies.
Thank you Ro and I agree with you.

I too believe those two posters gave great advice.
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Old 12-17-2013, 09:43 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,988 posts, read 14,665,561 times
Reputation: 14873
It's your sister and the damage she is doing is to herself. Tell her you love her and you apologize for what you said, but you can't be the listening post anymore. You can love her - but you don't have to buy into the crazy.
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Old 12-18-2013, 06:25 AM
 
Location: North Adams, MA
80 posts, read 184,031 times
Reputation: 139
I've had similar stuff happen with my 2 sisters. All 3 of us have had challenges and difficulties in life that seem to emotionally spill over to our relationships. In addition, we were raised in a very dysfunctional family so healthy communication doesn't come easily. I ended up moving far away to gain my sanity. I gained perspective over the years, but there were no aha moments. I learned the hard way that my sisters were mostly calling me to vent, even when they were asking for advice or help. Most arguments started whenever I gave them advice on what to do with their lives. Two different friends shared with me that I wasn't responsible for my sisters' happiness and I needed to love and accept them for who they are, not who I want them to be.

Accepting and acting upon this has been a long, hard journey. As soon as I created boundaries (i.e., don't call me in the middle of the night, don't only call me with bad news, have a 2-way conversation with me especially when I call you and at least ask me how I'm doing, actively try to leave the past in the past and get to know each other as we are now), I didn't hear from as much. I realized that I couldn't be a friend, but I still love them as my sisters. Fortunately, Facebook helps us to keep in touch and communicate better.

OP, you are on the right track... you love your sister and want to improve your interactions with her. Let your love for her guide you with courage, wisdom and compassion.
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Old 12-18-2013, 05:11 PM
 
Location: SoCal
6,063 posts, read 9,522,564 times
Reputation: 5789
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
I honestly really do love my sister with all my heart. But lately, we have been fighting constantly. Long story short, I just don't agree with many of her decisions and I believe that she is slowly throwing her life away and I don't like it.

Several days ago, we got into a huge fight and I told her "Please never call me again, I don't really care what happens to you because obviously you don't really care what happens to yourself!" She called several times after the fight, but I didn't bother to pick up the phone. I know her too well, she just wanted to call and pick up more fights with me.
'''
The bolded part probably warrants an apology. And to be replaced with something along the lines that you really do care, but you can't fix her problems and it wears you out to hear of them repeatedly. Maybe someone else here can phrase that better.
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