U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-19-2013, 01:15 PM
 
12,886 posts, read 15,445,468 times
Reputation: 14854

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
So if my sister wants to go back to her cheating husband, I should say "I am supportive of you. Go ahead and do it. and by the way, next time he cheats again, call me in the middle of the night, and let's hug and cry together?!" Quite frankly, she is an idiot for not dumping that cheating ahole when he told her, "I cheat on you because I can." I DON't respect her nor do I support her.

no, lilyflower..you don't have to support her decisions (not even to prove you love her)..but that doesn't mean you should just turn your back on her.
You need to try and not let your sisters life decisions effect you so much. They're hers....not yours.
There's no need to be angry at her because she calls at late hours to cry the blues...she couldn't you know...if you didn't ALLOW it by answering.
As others have said you really do need to set up some "boundaries"...but not for her...for you...so that you won't be upset like you are.
Sometimes (even though it can be hard) you have to just accept the way people are...you can still be their friend though...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-19-2013, 07:15 PM
 
Location: SNA=>PDX 2013
2,677 posts, read 3,056,842 times
Reputation: 3132
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
So if my sister wants to go back to her cheating husband, I should say "I am supportive of you. Go ahead and do it. and by the way, next time he cheats again, call me in the middle of the night, and let's hug and cry together?!" Quite frankly, she is an idiot for not dumping that cheating ahole when he told her, "I cheat on you because I can." I DON't respect her nor do I support her.

Your posts have proved time and time again that you just don't understand what being "supportive" means. I try to give you some feedback, but then you post back with this. Seriously, I feel sorry for your sister. Not for her situation, but more so because she's only got you to go to. She's never going to get the support she needs from you. You know what? Don't be in her life. It'll probably be better for her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-19-2013, 07:32 PM
NCN
 
Location: NC/SC Border Patrol
21,135 posts, read 21,896,997 times
Reputation: 23217
Some people act like grownups when they have problems and keep them to themselves. When others are miserable they want everybody to be miserable. We call those people toxic. Is your sister 40 something? I have two 40 something children and right now I don't want to be around either of them. It is like they have both turned into 2 year olds again. I remember 40 something as being a rough time for me too.

Your sister sounds toxic. It is not fair for her to dump on you. I am setting boundaries and you need to also. Good luck. And don't fall for the guilt trips. Giving her the number of a good social services counselor is a very good idea. The counselor can be more objective. Sounds like she needs professional help. Her life is a mess and instead of dealing with it she will some day probably end up blaming you. Give NO advice. She needs to grow up.

If you want to talk to her ask questions like, "What do you think about that. How does that make you feel." But whatever you do, don't be in on planning her moves. Make her do that. While she is talking concentrate on what question to ask next until she gets tired of talking. Nothing wrong with being a sounding board. But you do need to protect yourself.

Last edited by NCN; 12-19-2013 at 07:42 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-19-2013, 07:40 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
33,338 posts, read 20,131,393 times
Reputation: 13024
Quote:
Originally Posted by NCN View Post
Some people act like grownups when they have problems and keep them to themselves. When others are miserable they want everybody to be miserable. We call those people toxic. Is your sister 40 something? I have two 40 something children and right now I don't want to be around either of them. It is like they have both turned into 2 year olds again. I remember 40 something as being a rough time for me too.

Your sister sounds toxic. It is not fair for her to dump on you. I am setting boundaries and you need to also. Good luck. And don't fall for the guilt trips. Giving her the number of a good social services counselor is a very good idea. The counselor can be more objective. Sounds like she needs professional help.
She is 39 and I am 28. She hasn't worked for almost 7 years. My parents have been supporting her whole family financially because they (husband and her) don't want to work.

Her mind has changed at least 2 times about her marriage. She took her cheating husband back at least four five times. I love her, but I don't want to listen to her talking about her marriage (If you can call that a marriage)

I just want her to be happy and not calling me in the middle of the evening when I work on average 11 hours a day during holiday season!

She thought she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, she never realized how hard my parents have worked their whole life to give what we have right now. My brother is in the hospital right now, my other brother is away from family for a business trip. She hasn't offered any love to us. How can you possibly fill a bottomless pit?! Her demand for us is unreasonable at best.

well, I will always love her, but if she calls and talks about her marriage again, I'd hung up. That is the best I can do.

Edit: I told her, "concentrate on the positive, at least we never have to worry about money." Her response, "Not enough, I want a husband who loves me." I told her, "your family loves you." Her, "Not enough."

I guess we are just not enough then.

Last edited by lilyflower3191981; 12-19-2013 at 07:58 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-19-2013, 08:09 PM
NCN
 
Location: NC/SC Border Patrol
21,135 posts, read 21,896,997 times
Reputation: 23217
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
She is 39 and I am 28. She hasn't worked for almost 7 years. My parents have been supporting her whole family financially because they (husband and her) don't want to work.

Her mind has changed at least 2 times about her marriage. She took her cheating husband back at least four five times. I love her, but I don't want to listen to her talking about her marriage (If you can call that a marriage)

I just want her to be happy and not calling me in the middle of the evening when I work on average 11 hours a day during holiday season!

She thought she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, she never realized how hard my parents have worked their whole life to give what we have right now. My brother is in the hospital right now, my other brother is away from family for a business trip. She hasn't offered any love to us. How can you possibly fill a bottomless pit?! Her demand for us is unreasonable at best.

well, I will always love her, but if she calls and talks about her marriage again, I'd hung up. That is the best I can do.
Just tell her that you love her and cannot stand to see her in so much pain. Tell her you will spend time with her but you cannot deal with her problems or listen to them and stick to it. Say something like let's have a happy break.

We kept trying to advise my son and he wouldn't listen so the last time he started dumping I told him I could not stand to hear so much without being able to do anything about it. I told him I had a lot of my own things to deal with and could not deal with his problems too. I reminded him that he is 40 something and has a wife that he should be talking to. He went home from vacation, quit his job that he hated and started his own business. Funny how a person can fix themselves when they are given permission to do so.

It is never a good idea to listen to problems between a couple. You think she should leave him but if they get back together you will be public enemy number one.

Sounds like you need a vacation. Your sister needs to be weaned off dumping on you. Sounds to me like she has an abusive husband. You can't fix that. She will have to make up her mind that she has had enough.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-19-2013, 08:17 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
33,338 posts, read 20,131,393 times
Reputation: 13024
Quote:
Originally Posted by NCN View Post
Just tell her that you love her and cannot stand to see her in so much pain. Tell her you will spend time with her but you cannot deal with her problems or listen to them and stick to it. Say something like let's have a happy break.

We kept trying to advise my son and he wouldn't listen so the last time he started dumping I told him I could not stand to hear so much without being able to do anything about it. I told him I had a lot of my own things to deal with and could not deal with his problems too. I reminded him that he is 40 something and has a wife that he should be talking to. He went home from vacation, quit his job that he hated and started his own business. Funny how a person can fix themselves when they are given permission to do so.

It is never a good idea to listen to problems between a couple. You think she should leave him but if they get back together you will be public enemy number one.

Sounds like you need a vacation. Your sister needs to be weaned off dumping on you. Sounds to me like she has an abusive husband. You can't fix that. She will have to make up her mind that she has had enough.
Yeah, Great advice, Thanks!!

We actually made up already like we always did. Loving her is not a problem for me. I just don't like to hear anything about her marriage. It makes me irritated. She made up her mind of dumping that jerk months ago. We even took her out for a celebration, but now she decided to go back again. I can never figure her out.

I told her the other day that I really love her, I don't know what else can I possibly do for her? She said, "I just want you to be a listener." So I will just be a listener from now on.

After Christmas, I am going to England to visit my big brother. I am really looking forward to that!!

Thank you for your support and kind words. I really appreciate it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-20-2013, 08:13 AM
 
3,592 posts, read 4,733,255 times
Reputation: 4736
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
I honestly really do love my sister with all my heart. But lately, we have been fighting constantly. Long story short, I just don't agree with many of her decisions and I believe that she is slowly throwing her life away and I don't like it.

Several days ago, we got into a huge fight and I told her "Please never call me again, I don't really care what happens to you because obviously you don't really care what happens to yourself!" She called several times after the fight, but I didn't bother to pick up the phone. I know her too well, she just wanted to call and pick up more fights with me.

My sister went through many hardships in life and I don't really want to get into details. Let's just say that she lost her true love when she was younger and she married to a person whom she didn't really love.

I tried to be supportive and has always offered a shoulder for her to cry on. But I think lately, she has taken me for granted. She would call me in the middle of the night and talking for hours. None of our conversation has been productive. I am really sick and tired of listening to her sorry story. If she refuses to make some positive changes, what can I possibly do for her?

My sister told me that if I couldn't apologize to her, our relationship would be over. Seriously? She said, "If you cannot swallow your pride, that tells me how important I am to you. You don't love me at all, and I am fine with you not being in my life. Also, it seems to me that you always choose to be right rather than being loved." Seriously? So in another word, in order for her to love me, she has to hear "I am sorry". This doesn't make any sense to me.

I don't like this tension between us, especially a week before Christmas. I really miss her and want to have her back in my life. But I really feel we are growing apart, maybe I don't love her unconditionally as I thought I did?

I am very confused. Any advice and suggestions?!
I have a sibling like this, and I don't have a relationship with him, because he seems to have this need for me to agree to be his slave and his buddy at the same time. Some people cannot deal with a person's need to hang onto their self-respect and their friendship with you at the same time. To them if you don't submit and sublimate your self-respect to their whims, demands..desires, then in their eyes, you don't love them.

Whereas I believe that true love and true friendship is not present between two people if either or both are required to give up their principles and their dignity to keep the so-called relationship afloat. It can't stay afloat any more than a leaky boat with an elephant sitting in the middle of it could stay afloat. Because it's it's an unhealthy and out of sync power balance.

And, I believe your sister is caught up in some projection. She is projecting her feelings of disappointment in her romantic/or intimate relationship onto you, her sibling. What she told you is probably what she would like the courage to tell her partner, or she has told her partner what she needs and it has been met with silence. If you did swallow your pride as she put it, she would probably still be unhappy and projecting her unhapiness onto you, because she still is not addressing what is missing with regard to her relationship with her partner.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:10 PM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top