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Old 12-16-2013, 10:51 PM
Location: Newport Beach, California
33,235 posts, read 20,075,992 times
Reputation: 12982


I honestly really do love my sister with all my heart. But lately, we have been fighting constantly. Long story short, I just don't agree with many of her decisions and I believe that she is slowly throwing her life away and I don't like it.

Several days ago, we got into a huge fight and I told her "Please never call me again, I don't really care what happens to you because obviously you don't really care what happens to yourself!" She called several times after the fight, but I didn't bother to pick up the phone. I know her too well, she just wanted to call and pick up more fights with me.

My sister went through many hardships in life and I don't really want to get into details. Let's just say that she lost her true love when she was younger and she married to a person whom she didn't really love.

I tried to be supportive and has always offered a shoulder for her to cry on. But I think lately, she has taken me for granted. She would call me in the middle of the night and talking for hours. None of our conversation has been productive. I am really sick and tired of listening to her sorry story. If she refuses to make some positive changes, what can I possibly do for her?

My sister told me that if I couldn't apologize to her, our relationship would be over. Seriously? She said, "If you cannot swallow your pride, that tells me how important I am to you. You don't love me at all, and I am fine with you not being in my life. Also, it seems to me that you always choose to be right rather than being loved." Seriously? So in another word, in order for her to love me, she has to hear "I am sorry". This doesn't make any sense to me.

I don't like this tension between us, especially a week before Christmas. I really miss her and want to have her back in my life. But I really feel we are growing apart, maybe I don't love her unconditionally as I thought I did?

I am very confused. Any advice and suggestions?!
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Old 12-16-2013, 11:01 PM
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,847,719 times
Reputation: 8956
You're at an impasse. Both of you think you are right and that the other person is wrong. This is how life-long separations occur. Swallow your pride and go out to lunch or go Christmas shopping together - do something fun.

Tell her you love her but don't always agree with her.

Focus on what you do like and what works for you - ignore what you don't like and pray she does the same.

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Old 12-16-2013, 11:03 PM
Location: Pennsylvania
16,334 posts, read 10,324,206 times
Reputation: 28449
I think 1st is you've got to decide what you want from her-from your relationship. Seems like you're confused.

Then take her to a fairly nice restaurant (less chance of non productive tantrums) and talk. and listen. Ask her what she expects from you: to listen? advice? a shoulder to cry on?

Listen to what she says. If it's something you're willing/able to give, fine. If not tell her. Hopefully she will listen.
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Old 12-16-2013, 11:10 PM
47 posts, read 56,516 times
Reputation: 84
You have to make a choice as to what you can live with.

Do you want to live with your Sister out of your life because she's pissed at you, even though you were in the right and trying to help? Or would you rather apologize even though you were right, and have her back in your life?

Would you rather burn a bridge with your Sister, or tell her what she wants to hear and put up with her bad behavior while holding back your real feelings?

It doesn't mean you don't love her, it's just a matter of whether you can deal with her. If you can't, there's no shame in that. It's your life, and you have a right to exclude her from it if she's too much for you.

If you really want her in your life warts and all, then you know what you have to do. You have to be the bigger person and apologize to someone who should be apologizing to you.

But you are under no obligation to do so, and failing to do it doesn't prove you don't love her. It just proves she's exhausted you.
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Old 12-16-2013, 11:17 PM
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,847,719 times
Reputation: 8956
You don't have to apologize, per se - you can just tell her you love her and you agree to disagree - and then do something fun. Or do something fun first.
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Old 12-17-2013, 02:36 AM
6,431 posts, read 9,948,829 times
Reputation: 7974
I have a mother that is similar to your sister and I've had to cut her off somewhat from my life because I was tired of hearing the sob stories and her making the same mistakes over and over again in her life. People like that, you can't really help. You can only pray for them.
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Old 12-17-2013, 03:52 AM
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,723,738 times
Reputation: 32304
To the OP: It seems to me that both you and your sister are drama queens. Go back and re-read the second paragraph of your original post and see if you still think there is nothing to apologize for.

You need to work on being more rational and less emotional in your interactions with your sister. This would probably represent a break with a life-long pattern, but would be worth the effort on your part because it would help you be more rational and less emotional with other people as well. How about refusing to "fight" with your sister, even if she tries to? How old are you anyway? Your description makes you and your sister sound like teenagers, and not very mature ones at that. You can't change her, but you can change yourself if you want to badly enough.
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Old 12-17-2013, 03:56 AM
Location: Bloomington IN
6,534 posts, read 7,791,019 times
Reputation: 15949
Wow--your sister is quite the emotional manipulator as evidenced by her statement: You don't apologize means you don't love me. Some of what you wrote sounds like things a child would do or say. I'm very curious as to your ages. Based on what you wrote (she was married), I have to assume you are both adults, but your relationship is still quite childlike.

I understand family relationships come with lots of past history and baggage. It's hard to break out of established patterns in any relationship. Do you want a better, more honest, adult relationship with your sister? Tell her that you will no longer be manipulated by her childish tantrums and demands. One thing I've had to learn over the past several years, and it's been a very hard lesson, is that two human beings will not always agree. In an adult relationship there needs to be a means to resolve differences without manipulation. One either puts the differences aside, compromises, or moves on. What do you want to do? After you've made a decision about what you want from the relationship with your sister, tell her. It will be the start of an adult relationship.

I'm curious. If a friend described this situation to you, what would you advise them to do?
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Old 12-17-2013, 04:20 AM
Location: Southwestern, USA
15,350 posts, read 12,109,955 times
Reputation: 16597
Oh boy, you are in a great place of such wonderful change and spiritual growth!
That kind of change can seem painful at the time.
You have your love, then you have your concepts, then you have your control issues, then you have your peace of mind that is conditional on another person doing what you want them to do....what a pickle you are in!
Then you have your own insight that your sister is making wrong
choices and you want to sincerely help her...but she isn't in a place to accept
your suggestions. This is classic stuff.

Ha! And when you get this, by way of this dance with your loved one...you will blossom into a truly loving, wise, balanced soul. Your sister is your teacher.
You are in a wonderful vise of life .... learn or burn...I love it.

Wisdom comes when we offer some aid...it is not taken ..and we trust in timing or
God or the universe or whatever...we have trust it will all work out as it should....we are not in control of our 'brother'...he has his own path towards realization.

It is hard for me to see my sis 120 pounds overweight...oh well...my words get her upset...so my job is just to love her where she's at...as she kills herself slowly...
I've done what I could...now I'm free of the burden of influencing another...

Your sis had gotten some Bible instruction somewhere...she is correct...
Love has no pride.

The skin of a snake peels off when it's ready, no sooner...what a relief I don't
have to force it.
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Old 12-17-2013, 05:48 AM
Location: Florida
4,506 posts, read 3,906,881 times
Reputation: 9902

Then distance yourself from her drama. Guess what? You can't fix her. You also can't make decisions for her.

Stop answering the phone in the middle of the night. Set boundaries. She'll probably resent that, too. But she drew this line in the sand, now you have to make her follow it. You'll need to tell her that you choose to love her rather than be 'right' but to continue to love her means you cannot be the one she turns to when things go south because she doesn't want to hear your advice. Then give her the name of a counselor.
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