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Old 12-19-2013, 08:51 PM
 
Location: Henderson, NV
1,091 posts, read 1,217,335 times
Reputation: 1765

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonnenwende View Post
That's why I think the whole 'till death do us part' crap is ridiculous. If it goes that long, great, but it isn't realistic for many people anymore. There really should be expiration dates on marriage licenses where you can choose to continue or not after a set number of years. And I'm saying this as a woman who has a very happy marriage that I hope continues so indefinitely.
My last ex and I had an amicable divorce after only 6 years. Although she made roughly $80k a year, I paid ALL the bills. She got the dining room set, one of the living room sets, 2 TVs, both sets of washer and dryers, and nearly $100k in cash. I got piece of mind.

I have absolutely nothing against a long term committed relationship, I however will never marry again.
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Old 12-19-2013, 10:10 PM
 
12,540 posts, read 12,529,126 times
Reputation: 28901
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
Here is my response to this scenario:

Partner A wants an $800 TV. Partner A buys the $800 TV. Both watch it.

Partner B decides that he/she needs a new computer, and Partner A says, "yeah, that would be great. I need to use it sometimes if that is okay with you." So Partner B buys the computer. Both use it.

Years later they split up. Partner A takes what he/she bought (the TV), Partner B takes what he/she bought (the computer). And on and on. Each one needs to buy new things when they move out, but they take with them what they purchased during the relationship. No need for protection or intervention because they didn't blend finances or bank accounts.

At least, this is how it works in my life. It might not work for a couple with a huge income disparity where one is doing most of the buying.
That is how it worked when I was married, and being that I bought the furniture and the car, both of which he used, they went with me.
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Old 12-19-2013, 11:32 PM
 
16,482 posts, read 21,088,666 times
Reputation: 16171
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
I was married. I am happily divorced.

I have no plans to remarry. I am in a healthy relationship that has been going on for a few years.

People are always asking "When are you getting married?" I say, "We aren't. We aren't interested in being married."

Somehow this does not compute. The conversation often veers into pity ("You poor thing! You need to find a man who values you enough to marry you!") which I find absurd. Sometimes this comes from colleagues with a different cultural background who can't understand why a woman would not want to be married. Other times it comes from people who are unhappy in their own marriages and yet will advocate for me to enter another marriage anyway.

I am the one making decisions about my life. Period. I have decided not to get married again, no matter what. My partner would be willing to get married if I wanted to, but knows that I feel strongly that I don't want to. We are happy the way things are. But yet, some people can't believe or understand that, even in 2013.

Anyone else have this sort of experience? How do you handle it?
I was married 24 long years and have been divorced since 2009. I am in no hurry for a relationship, but when the day comes that I am in one I will never remarry, once is enough.
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Old 12-20-2013, 01:06 AM
 
Location: Minneapolis, MN
6,061 posts, read 3,388,244 times
Reputation: 7710
I think we all need to look at marriage is a very serious thing. Generally these people have no idea what a divorce entails and what you lose. Marriage isn't for everyone so if ya don't wanna get married, I can't blame you!
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Old 12-20-2013, 01:15 AM
 
35,108 posts, read 40,247,428 times
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No one in our family cares who gets married and who doesn't whether it be family or friends.
It is none of our business how anyone else lives their lives.
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Old 12-20-2013, 06:24 AM
 
Location: North Adams, MA
80 posts, read 184,162 times
Reputation: 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
I would much rather be alone than be with someone who makes me miserable.
I'm with you, OP. I believe you can have a committed ltr without having to get married. I also believe that marriage is a legal contract. I'm not against marriage per se, it's just that I decided I don't need to be married and I don't want to bear children either. These decisions essentially developed out my own family experiences.

My father was a serial philanderer. My mother died when I was 2 and I found out years later that she was planning on leaving him. While she was in the hospital dying, he was going to parties. He met my stepmother at one of them and married her 6 mos later. His affairs were endless and were the cause of some severe domestic violence. Even after my dad finally left my stepmom for one of his girlfriends, they never got divorced. She pined for the day he would get back together with him until the day she died. For legal and financial reasons, he and his girlfriend have not gotten married and after 20+ yrs, they are still very happy. His girlfriend loves and accepts him unconditionally, which I now see is all that really matters.

Unlike my sisters, I didn't believe my stepmother's marriage propaganda or grow up relying on boyfriends to be saviors. I even attended an all women's college to lessen distractions. Because of my college choice, lack of steady boyfriends and difference in attitude, I was thought to be a lesbian... and probably still am today for the lack of going from man to man like they have. Seeing them base their happiness on being in relationships (especially with married men) has been hard to watch. Each sister has been divorced twice after those marriages spiraled into abject misery. I consider myself fortunate to have not gone down that route. They've stopped badgering me about getting married, not out of understanding my reasons, but because it is such a foreign concept for them.

I am independent, financially stable and date men of quality, not for quantity. And I'm the only one of us with a college degree!
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Old 12-20-2013, 06:59 AM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
21,920 posts, read 21,729,557 times
Reputation: 21489
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
I was married. I am happily divorced.

I have no plans to remarry.

People are always asking "When are you getting married?"


Anyone else have this sort of experience? How do you handle it?
Its just something people say, Like how are you, do you have kids, what kind of work are you in. Like another poster said don't take it seriously. It doesn't bother me at all when people have asked when I'm getting married.
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Old 12-20-2013, 08:06 AM
 
Location: Long Island
715 posts, read 1,019,805 times
Reputation: 610
I think it depends on the person who asks. Some people just ask because its the thing to do, some people like to live vicariously through you. I belong to a motherless daughter/motherless mother group and all of them are married with kids. They were there from the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend and they tell me they live vicariously through me a little, when I tell them about life events in our relationship.

Since I am in a committed relationship, I expect people to ask when I'm getting engaged/married. Does it get annoying? Sometimes, but I know some people are just looking for small talk or genuinely curious.
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Old 12-20-2013, 11:33 AM
 
1,003 posts, read 1,330,749 times
Reputation: 1316
Quote:
Originally Posted by EastBoundandDownChick View Post
I am single with no children, 32 years old and little worry about whether I'll get married eventually or not. It just really doesn't factor into my life at this point. I am so busy with work and building a career, things which I know are solid... and provide much more protection than a typical marriage would. Yes, I am out for myself. But because I am a woman, this is frowned upon by some. If I was a man, no one would even blink.

It is 2013 and you have to do what is best for you. In my own experience, the only people who ever judged me harshly were married. And appeared to be unhappy. Single people and the happily married have never questioned me once about my decisions. You have to consider the source. Some people out there think we're all a bunch of cattle, programmed to do little more than breed and all head in a straight and linear fashion towards death. That if you veer outside of that program you must obviously have something wrong with you. This is not free choice. I am worth more than this as a woman. My happiness is worth more than what some segments of society deem unacceptable.

I moved away from them into a more tolerant environment. Best decision ever, because if you are going to live a lifestyle it's truly best to have the likeminded around you. Especially when your biological clock starts shutting down, because it will and these same people will try to attack you at your most vulnerable. Even though it is the right thing. Protect yourself, and surround yourself with good people of similiar interests and your happiness will increase exponentially.

I have the luxury of no dependents. No mortgage. No debt. I can date whomever I want. Hell, I can go on seven dates in one week with seven different people if I feel like it. I can eat ice cream in my sweats and not care. Does it get lonely sometimes? Yes. But is it still better for me? Yes. I have learned to expand my support system to a wide network of people. Too many women seem to get trapped by looking for the bulk of their emotional support in their spouse. I have been in relationships like this, and, when they go south, it can be devastating. I am not saying all marriages are like this, but quite a few from what I've seen.

Best post on this thread. Wish I could rep you twice! Completely agree with you, especially living in a city that shares your values. My year in Dallas was a misery and Denver is pretty bad too with marrieds and families. Still looking for a good city for singles and children free zones. (Vegas was the best for that, but I have no desire to live there again.) Any suggestions are welcome!
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Old 12-20-2013, 11:40 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
22,561 posts, read 24,148,016 times
Reputation: 48969
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonnenwende View Post
That's why I think the whole 'till death do us part' crap is ridiculous. If it goes that long, great, but it isn't realistic for many people anymore. There really should be expiration dates on marriage licenses where you can choose to continue or not after a set number of years. And I'm saying this as a woman who has a very happy marriage that I hope continues so indefinitely.
I read an article a while back by a woman who refuses to look at her two divorces as failures. She said that she had two successful marriages that just ran their course and ended.
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