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Mother of 12 yr old son and 18 yr old daughter passed away in 04. I got remarried in late 07 to woman who had a son, very close to my sons age. The two boys became very close! Two months ago wife left and moved 20 minutes away. I care her son just like my own and vise versa. ex MIL will likely maintain relationship with my son only because the two boys are so close. As far as my son maintaining a relationship w ex's family, I think he appreciates keeping the connection. Certainly at this time more so then others, with the potential of gifts to be received, he's 12.
I haven't talked about to my daughter about yet. I only observed her this morning when the gifts came for my son, and I can tell they affected her in a negative way, (she suddenly became a little snarky to my son), but I didn't have the opportunity to actually talk to her about it. She is at work right now and I'll have a conversation with her this evening when she gets home.
Okay, so maybe step-grandma feels more of a connection to your son because he is close to your step son? Regardless of grandma, it is probably to your benefit to help your son maintain his relationship with his brother.
How hurt is your daughter?? is she just being snarky with brother that he got stuff and she didn't? or did she genuinely care about the relationship with grandma? If it is the latter, I think if I were you I would tell grandma that 18 year old was hurt to be excluded...and see if she will rectify the situation.
If the daughter is really okay with letting this relationship go...take her to the movies while her brother is at step moms with step grandma.
I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this. Divorce is hardly ever just about a husband and wife. There are collateral losses as well. I'm finding that I dislike your selfish ex very much.
I think its a bad message to send to your youngest that its okay for her to be treated specially but not her older sister.
I would tell all parties involved, that either the whole family is included, or nobody is. If she sends gifts for the one child and not the other, Id send them back.
I agree.
I think the G'ma is excluding the 18-yr-old because she isn't the biological grandchild. The only reasoning I have for her including the son who isn't biological is either the fact that he is so close in age to the other boy (who may be pressuring her to buy his buddy a gift) OR (depending on G'ma's age), she feels boys are "worth more" than girls and deserves a gift.
I would likely send the packages back, or get them from the mail and donate them to charity.
While this is a lesson that the world isn't fair, I still don't think I'd let it continue the way it has been.
Let your EX MIL know that Christmas can be hard time of year for a child who has lost a parent. To ignore your daughter, while sending your son Christmas gifts is rude and hurtful.
Wow! I really appreciate everyone's support and feedback. Thank you
It is a tough situation and unfortunate. I did talk with my daughter and while her wording wasn't what I preferred, she expressed she didn't need them poisoning up her life any way, and wished I would cut ties from them all together. I listened to what she had to say, and I expressed how much my heart hurt on her behalf of their short sighted choices.
I told her, while my logic may be flawed, I wasn't going to give up the relationship with her step brother and I don't expect to make my bio son to either. It's just to much collateral damage. Divorce is a part of life sometimes and life is hard. She said she can understand it, but doesn't like it.
She is a great kid, and I am grateful that she and I have such a solid relationship. She is very strong like her mother was.
Wow! I really appreciate everyone's support and feedback. Thank you
It is a tough situation and unfortunate. I did talk with my daughter and while her wording wasn't what I preferred, she expressed she didn't need them poisoning up her life any way, and wished I would cut ties from them all together. I listened to what she had to say, and I expressed how much my heart hurt on her behalf of their short sighted choices.
I told her, while my logic may be flawed, I wasn't going to give up the relationship with her step brother and I don't expect to make my bio son to either. It's just to much collateral damage. Divorce is a part of life sometimes and life is hard. She said she can understand it, but doesn't like it.
She is a great kid, and I am grateful that she and I have such a solid relationship. She is very strong like her mother was.
Thank you again.
That's good. It sounds from the way your daughter said poisoning up her life and that she wished you would cut ties, that there is not a good relationship between your daughter and the ex and her family.
It sounds like she's okay. I think you handled it right.
Life isn't always 100% fair, it wasn't fair for that your kids had to lose their mother in the first place. In families where there are godparents, it's pretty common that one will get a gift from their godparent and another doesn't, or some godparents are poor, some are rich and things just aren't always 100% even. It's all part of learning to deal with things, overcoming jealousy and all that.
I didn't want to muddy up the issue with a bunch of added details, but my wife shut my daughter out of her life last year, because she lied to her about having a facebook account.
For the past year, your wife's been shunning your daughter over a Facebook account?
Are you serious?
Your daughter has been abandoned not once but twice by her mothers?
My heart goes out to her.
This shunning behavior is so strange.
Forget the gifts and the unequal treatment the by erstwhile grandmother. That's the least of your worries. (Though I would hold out for visits being in your home for the time being. 12 years old is too young to listen to anyone talk smack about your Dad. No telling what he'll hear when you're not around and who needs to deal with all that drama? What's the adoption/custody situation, anyway?)
I am stunned by your wife's treatment of your daughter. Regardless of what went on between the two of you or how much she objects to Facebook accounts, shunning your daughter is appalling.
Her first Mom dies. The second one won't have anything to do with her.
Yowza!
Given that you are likely struggling with your own abandonment issues, it might be difficult for you to help her out here.
I don't even know what to suggest. Is there another grandmother, or an aunt, maybe a neighbor ??? who has taken an interest in her? What about a counselor?
Your daughter is heading into a time of forging relationships with friends and partners that will hopefully last the rest of her life. She is armed with inaccurate information. Having someone to talk things over with along the way will be so helpful.
One thing you may want to consider for holidays is to go somewhere else for a couple days. Create some new memories.
Is a few days in a cabin possible? Or at the beach? Skiing? Whatever you all like to do. Create some new memories. Bring your other son along if you can.
Lot of places are offering some good, last minute deals.
I didn't want to muddy up the issue with a bunch of added details, but my wife shut my daughter out of her life last year, because she lied to her about having a facebook account. The wife and I had an over abundance of petty issues to mask what some of the real issues in our relationship were. This could be why the mother in law has jumped on the band wagon. Confronting my wife on this issue, I don't feel would get me the kind of support I would need to resolve it.
I am open to discussing this directly with the mother in law, OR talking to my daughter about how this isn't something she should take personal.
grump, this is the fall-out of broken relationships,,,,
talk to your 18 yr old about it... and get her something special.... but also this is an opportunity of a lifes lesson,,,
you may be over-reacting, your 18 yr old is an adult, and more mature (im sure you may still look at her as 12, as most fathers do)
the 18 yr old may be glad the younger one is receiving attention thru these tough times....
you may need a check- you are super sensitive to this- because of high emotions,, and battle wounds ..
tell your oldest...because she is so much more mature....that the younger one is getting special attention thru this transition,,
if the younger one is invited over to grandmothers-then take your oldest out to eat,,,
I haven't read everything but could the two women be anti-female types? D ex-wife sounds like an immature ''woman'',probably the kind who puts up with things from males but goes into witch mode when there's a ''competing vag+na'' involved. Bet u she didn't treat your daughter that well,ESP BEHIND YOUR BACK n u didn't believe her?
Up to the point when my ex moved out, we had been in counseling for the past two years. As our marriage progressed, it became more and more aware to me, that she, herself, had abandonment and trust issues. These stemmed from her own father's infidelity and choosing to leave the family, I suspect. As time went on these issues manifested themselves into some wildly outrageous behaviors. A lot of petty issues!!!, as a way to avoid the real ones. She also became very resentful of my 1st wifes family, and anything that reminded her that she was the 2nd wife, caused some hostility. She was also in denial about any and all of this. Over the past several years she had to hear comments of how my daughter looked so much like my 1st wife, and acted like her, from other people. The facebook issue became an easy out for my ex.
As for my daughter, recognizing that she was now having to battle a second, "mother loss", I also put her with another therapist, who she continues to see.
I had considered ending the marriage a couple years ago, but that seemed like an easy way out to me, so I instead put us in counseling, and felt, in time, we could get to the bottom of all this, and figure out a way to move past it.
I, also have blame that is due. I was not very compassionate with my ex, when I felt any of these petty issue arose. I was quick to call her out on them, and often told her she needed to get help. Did I speak the truth? Yes. But I could have chosen my words better and been a little more tender about it. I was loosing patience with the whole thing.
I have also kept my first wife's family in the picture, to even include going to visit them for Christmas. That played a big factor in the level of dedication my ex felt I owed her.
My 1st wife's family adores both of my children and are very supportive. My folks, in their own way, also love my kids very much. We do have travel plans this Christmas so that cool.
Life is hard, and through all this adversity, we do have some pretty impressive battle scars. I have expressed to my daughter that she continue to see a therapist for the next couple of years. I have to assume, that she, herself, is going to have some challenges in her own personal relationships. How to cope with some of the issues, that her own intimate relationship may create.
Bah, I'm starting to write another blog here.
Thanks again, everyone
Last edited by grumptacular; 12-22-2013 at 08:45 AM..
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