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I think it's awful that your ex MIL is doing this - and even that your ex-wife is doing this. I would never treat a kid this way.
I would have a talk with the 18 year old and tell her that we can't control the behavior of others. Suggest that she approach the ex MIL herself, whether by phone, in person, or via a letter (a REAL letter, snailmail, not e-mail). From the point of view that she misses her grandma. Does she also miss her stepmom?
If the results are not positive there's little anyone can do about it. My guess is that it will eventually drive a wedge into the relationship between the younger sib and her step-grandma (and possibly stepmom) as well. You can't watch someone hurt someone you love over and over again and not feel it and react to it eventually.
But seriously - lying about a Facebook account, while non-trivial, shouldn't be a relationship-destroying proposition. It may be that as hurt and angry feelings over the divorce gradually settle down both stepmom and stepgrandma will come to their senses and behave better. Time MAY heal this wound yet.
Are there any biological grandmas still in the picture? A little help from that side might be a good thing as well.
The thing that has to be considered, is how well the ex got along with the 18 year old, while she was with you. Did the 18 year old really accept her, and give her respect. Or did she kind of snub her, and act like a lot of teen agers do towards a new wife, and mother in law. It may be that the younger one got close to her, and the other one kept pushing her away. If she bonded with the young one, and felt pushed away by the older one, then she may be giving gifts to the one she bonded with, and not gifts to the other one that made her life uncomfortable.
Send the gifts to the youngest child back with a note that saying all children will be included or none will be included and that goes for everything else. Visits, calls, etc.
Up to the point when my ex moved out, we had been in counseling for the past two years. As our marriage progressed, it became more and more aware to me, that she, herself, had abandonment and trust issues. These stemmed from her own father's infidelity and choosing to leave the family, I suspect. As time went on these issues manifested themselves into some wildly outrageous behaviors. A lot of petty issues!!!, as a way to avoid the real ones. She also became very resentful of my 1st wifes family, and anything that reminded her that she was the 2nd wife, caused some hostility. She was also in denial about any and all of this.
When one person brings that much unhealthy emotional baggage into a relationship, the other will start getting sucked in and start doing/saying things that are not in his/her character.
You made an honest effort.
It's important to just listen to kids and not try to project your feelings on to them or talk them out of their own feelings. Not always easy. Sounds like you're on the right track.
People come and go in our lives for lots of reasons.
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