U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-21-2013, 11:18 AM
 
Location: If I tell you, will you visit?
888 posts, read 911,631 times
Reputation: 975

Advertisements

My wife left me a couple of months ago and I accept my portion of blame that caused her departure.

I have two kids from a previous marriage, one is 12 one is to be 18 next month.

My wife's mother puts all the blame of the failed relationship on me, and while I don't feel I earned it, I can accept it. She is a mom, and she feels her baby is her baby, even if she is 47 years old. What I am having a tough time with, is that she has also chosen to shun my oldest child. She has been sending my youngest small gifts and cards with treats, money, whatever, for the 12 days leading up to Christmas. While my oldest hasn't out right expressed it, I can see, she is hurt.

I very much appreciate that there has been no drama since my wife left, and I am not excited about the thought of creating any, however, I don't feel this is ok. My oldest didn't do anything or ever say anything to be treated this way. While typically I'm pretty good at being able to handle my own problems, I am at a loss here.

Does any one have any suggestions or similar experiences I can draw from. I would be grateful for any input
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-21-2013, 11:27 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 60,482,869 times
Reputation: 22275
It could be a variety of reasons. Some people only like to get children gifts and an 18 year old is harder to buy for but is also viewed by many as an adult. It's viewed as an age that's very hard to buy for --- 18 year olds can be very picky about clothes they'll wear, video games they'll play. They're too big for toys.

Another reason -- has the older one failed to thank her or show appreciation for gifts? We were just having a conversation about that at work. One person was talking about gifts she gets for nieces, nephews and step nieces and nephews. She spends a lot of money buying gifts but some never say a word, they don't say they liked the gifts, they never even send as much as a text message to thank her. She's decided they must not really like what she sends them so isn't going to send them anything more.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-21-2013, 11:55 AM
 
Location: If I tell you, will you visit?
888 posts, read 911,631 times
Reputation: 975
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
It could be a variety of reasons. Some people only like to get children gifts and an 18 year old is harder to buy for but is also viewed by many as an adult. It's viewed as an age that's very hard to buy for --- 18 year olds can be very picky about clothes they'll wear, video games they'll play. They're too big for toys.

Another reason -- has the older one failed to thank her or show appreciation for gifts? We were just having a conversation about that at work. One person was talking about gifts she gets for nieces, nephews and step nieces and nephews. She spends a lot of money buying gifts but some never say a word, they don't say they liked the gifts, they never even send as much as a text message to thank her. She's decided they must not really like what she sends them so isn't going to send them anything more.
Thank you.

The mother in law is coming into town the 23rd to see her daughter and birth grandson. She, through my wife, has requested if my son, 12, can come over that evening as well. No cards, no calls, no attempt to include daughter...it is obvious to me that she has chosen to exclude my daughter deliberately. It's not about the gifts and the cards, I don't think my daughter cares about that, it's about just not knowing what she did to earn this kind of treatment.

Last edited by grumptacular; 12-21-2013 at 01:09 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-21-2013, 11:57 AM
 
7,361 posts, read 13,177,847 times
Reputation: 8919
Why not just talk to your wife about it?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-21-2013, 12:05 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 60,482,869 times
Reputation: 22275
Quote:
Originally Posted by grumptacular View Post
Thank you.

The mother in law is coming into town the 23rd to see her daughter and grandson. She, through my wife, has requested if my son, 12, can come over that evening as well. No cards, no calls, no attempt to include daughter...it is obvious to me that she has chosen to exclude my daughter deliberately. It's not about the gifts and the cards, I don't think my daughter cares about that, it's about just not knowing what she did to earn this kind of treatment.
You could ask your ex-mil directly if there is a reason. You could even tell her the 18 year old would love to see her too --- something somewhere along the line might have given her the impression that it was otherwise.

Sometimes there are just misunderstandings that happen. Someone says something -- or they didn't say something and people misinterpret it.

For many people, younger kids are easier because you know more what to give them or what they might like to do. Someone might think they couldn't be interesting to an 18 year old. I think you really just need to ask her yourself if there is a problem.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-21-2013, 12:05 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,676 posts, read 41,411,184 times
Reputation: 82025
How long were you married to your wife?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-21-2013, 12:06 PM
 
Location: If I tell you, will you visit?
888 posts, read 911,631 times
Reputation: 975
I didn't want to muddy up the issue with a bunch of added details, but my wife shut my daughter out of her life last year, because she lied to her about having a facebook account. The wife and I had an over abundance of petty issues to mask what some of the real issues in our relationship were. This could be why the mother in law has jumped on the band wagon. Confronting my wife on this issue, I don't feel would get me the kind of support I would need to resolve it.

I am open to discussing this directly with the mother in law, OR talking to my daughter about how this isn't something she should take personal.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-21-2013, 12:07 PM
 
Location: If I tell you, will you visit?
888 posts, read 911,631 times
Reputation: 975
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
How long were you married to your wife?
7 years
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-21-2013, 12:13 PM
 
48,516 posts, read 83,688,108 times
Reputation: 18036
The oldest is 18 then she is a adult. I would sit down with her and have a adult conversation with her about the situation;especially letting her get her feelings out.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-21-2013, 12:34 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,676 posts, read 41,411,184 times
Reputation: 82025
It's possible the MIL did not really "bond" with the 18-yr-old like she did with the 12-yr-old, who would have been 5 when you got married and probably a toddler when you started dating? At 11, adolescents are harder to get to know.

I'm not trying to excuse the snubbing, but I'm not sure it's intentional. Annoying? Yep. I'm with Texdav. Talk it out with the 18-year-old and try to make it a non-issue.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:55 AM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top