Holidays, Step-Families, and Adult children... (boyfriend, spouse, father, husband)
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I'm really not sure how to deal with my "step-family". I'm an only child, and the past 25 years have been a strange ride. When I was growing up, I had a larger family. But during my pre-teen/teen years most of my mom's family passed away. Now, I have one living uncle. He and my mom had a huge falling out and don't speak any more. My dad was never part of my life, but my mom had one "long term" boyfriend that I hated. The "broke up" after I left for college.
2-3 years ago, my mom got married to someone I didn't know. He made her happy and seems like he is good for her. Being at college, I never really got to know him or his family. Now, I've graduated and have a job 1700+ mile away. I don't mind not having a relationship with him and his family until Thanksgiving/Christmas time.
My mom wants me to go to his family's events, because they invite me and her new husband wants me to go. His family invited her in with open arms. But when i go to these events, no one talks to me. I end up being stuck there (offer for longer than the "natural" grand children are there), everyone is way older or way younger than me, and its really just painful to essentially watch thier family celebrate Christmas.
Due to me living out of state, I "come home" for Christmas and only see my "step-grand parents" one or two days a year. It really sucks because I'm not really "included" and it just reminds me of the family I "used" to have and will never have again (loads of pain over this).
Every year it just gets harder to deal with, and my mom keeps pushing. I don't get it. If someone has any idea why someone would force this on an adult children I'm all "ears".
It's not like she even is willing to visit with my uncle, or she spends time with my boyfriend's parents(not that we have this situation due to geography). But the uncle thing really bothers me (and my uncle).
Now, I just wonder should I keep forcing myself to go to their family Christmas? What does it accomplish/what's the point? How do I get out of it without appearing to not accept her new family? What do other adult children do in this situation?
Dont go and tell your mother you have never felt a part of this family and that you will no longer be a part of the christmas madness that his family insists you go to simple as that .
Just be mature enough to do it for your mother. It costs you nothing and its only one day. And try to be sociable to those younger and older than you. After college you will have to learn to deal with all age groups, particularly at work.
For 40 years we simply told family that we do not use our vacation time and money to travel during the horrible travel times of Thanksgiving and Xmas. If they love us, they will enjoy us during other seasons when we can visit without the stress and cost of those holiday periods. Note: We travel nowhere during the holidays.
It worked and I even worked the holidays for other employees.
Our time off was much more pleasant and we coule "celebrate" our own time for Christmas.
I think as adults you should be able to talk about it or at least try to talk about it....that is, you and your mother and her husband (your step father).
I wouldn't suggest you start with the ultimatum....."I refuse to put myself through this anymore". Explain how you feel and ask for understanding.
There are a lot of "perhaps outcomes"..... at least you will have started to create a relationship with your mother's husband (your step father); perhaps he will speak to his family about making a conscious effort to be more inclusive toward you; perhaps you will get beyond yourself and your feelings and reach out to the family that invites you into their home on their most important gathering of the year; perhaps they will suggest that you just stop over for dessert and coffee after the meal or somehow modify the visit schedule.
Do you send the host family a Christmas card? Do you ever arrive with a family gift such as a fruit basket or floral center-piece or box of chocolates? If your goal is to feel more included and part of the gathering....perhaps you need to reach out and make an effort to be nice to your mother's family.
I understand what you are saying and what you are missing in your life.....but there are more possibilities than further shrinking your fragment of family.
If you and your uncle have a basis of a relationship separate from your mother.....perhaps you can independently visit him; it is possible for you as an adult to have your own relationship with him. You might even end up being "a bridge over troubled water" and be a catalyst that brings your Mother and your Uncle back into some sort of relationship.
At Christmas time.....remember the angels sang..."Peace on Earth to People of Goodwill"......I suggest that you try to be of Good Will.
your mother may be pushing,,because thats all she has and she does want you to be part of it-so you wont be "alone" fpr xmas..
on the upside, you ARE going to college, you have YOUR whole life in front of you, you can create whatever life you want
Again, your mom pushes,,, because their is very little family traditions and she is at least trying.. give her credit for that
if you dont go- tell your mom its because you and your friends have all volunteered to a soup kitchen/homeless shelter- dont tell her you just dont like going... she's had a tough life,... it sounds..
start making your own xmas traditions,, be creative
My father remarried after my mother died. It's very awkward when my family (3) and my brother (1-4, depending on if his kids are visiting!) go to my dad's place and her kids and grandkids and spouses are there (2-10, depending). We don't know them. We didn't grow up with them. And most important, we don't really have much in common.
It end up being us vs them. They hang out in one part of the house, we in another, and only come together for meals.
Try not going for a year or two. See if you really miss it or if you really don't. Go visit your uncle instead if you like doing that. Or just spend time with your boyfriends family.
As for your mom/uncle - that'll probably never change. My MIL and her brother barely speak and it's been like that for decades. Not your battle - trust me, stay out of that one.
My mom wants me to go to his family's events, because they invite me and her new husband wants me to go. His family invited her in with open arms. But when i go to these events, no one talks to me. I end up being stuck there (offer for longer than the "natural" grand children are there), everyone is way older or way younger than me, and its really just painful to essentially watch thier family celebrate Christmas.
They sound like good people. Do you have better offers somewhere else? Is the option between going there and sitting home alone?
If there are little kids, it should be easy -- I can always do great if there are kids between age 2 and 12 -- and often outside that range, even if I don't have much in common with the adults.
It's up to your though - accept the invitation where you most want to spend your time.
I've kept various grandparents/cousins/aunts and uncles from my Mom's various marriages, my late husbands family, my current husband's family and my own.
It's nice to be with family during the holidays, and do it while you can. You don't have to go and stay the entire time, just go and spend a few hours. It's nice that the new family wants to include you, it could be that they didn't include you. Spend the time with your Mom and getting to know her new husband at the very least.
It used to be torture for me to go to my late husband's family events... they were huge, I was shy and not used to big families. Now some of them are my best friends and I look forward to the times when we can get together.
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I think as adults you should be able to talk about it or at least try to talk about it....that is, you and your mother and her husband (your step father).
I wouldn't suggest you start with the ultimatum....."I refuse to put myself through this anymore". Explain how you feel and ask for understanding.
There are a lot of "perhaps outcomes"..... at least you will have started to create a relationship with your mother's husband (your step father); perhaps he will speak to his family about making a conscious effort to be more inclusive toward you; perhaps you will get beyond yourself and your feelings and reach out to the family that invites you into their home on their most important gathering of the year; perhaps they will suggest that you just stop over for dessert and coffee after the meal or somehow modify the visit schedule.
Do you send the host family a Christmas card? Do you ever arrive with a family gift such as a fruit basket or floral center-piece or box of chocolates? If your goal is to feel more included and part of the gathering....perhaps you need to reach out and make an effort to be nice to your mother's family.
I understand what you are saying and what you are missing in your life.....but there are more possibilities than further shrinking your fragment of family.
If you and your uncle have a basis of a relationship separate from your mother.....perhaps you can independently visit him; it is possible for you as an adult to have your own relationship with him. You might even end up being "a bridge over troubled water" and be a catalyst that brings your Mother and your Uncle back into some sort of relationship.
At Christmas time.....remember the angels sang..."Peace on Earth to People of Goodwill"......I suggest that you try to be of Good Will.
There are a few great suggestions in this post.
Perhaps spending some time with the younger children, reading a few books to them or playing a game. They may start to ask to play with/be around "Dear Aunt CandyCane".
Good luck to you & Merry Christmas.
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