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OP tried this. Didn't work. Now a new approach is needed.
The OP mentioned nothing about being sociable. They only mentioned not talking to anyone.
I have issue with the attitude that anyone (not just the OP) can't get along with family because they "didn't grow up with them." We all form new relationships in our lives. I'm sure the OP didn't grow up with her boyfriend. Or their family. But she has formed a relationship with them. She can do it with her stepfather's family, if she makes an effort.
Thank you all for the wonderful advice and sharing your own situations. I think that everyone has offered great advice. I feel like I'm against the norm tho. Like, I don't "relate" to children, and it's really awkward when the young ones walk up to you then run away screaming for no good reason .
I do have a close relationship with my uncle. He's been my "father figure" my whole life. I just wish my mom would let stuff go. Visiting my Uncle during this time of year is challenging because of geography. I would have to fly there, so it's more something to keep in mind next for year. But, I don't think my mother would take me not spending X-mas with her very well.
Inviting my boyfriend is a good solution, but also awkward because he is not Christian and doesn't really celebrate Christmas. He would, I just never asked him too. In previous years, he always visited his own family because his siblings are on "winter break".
Those that suggest going for a short period of time, I don't think you get how complicated that is when you are "visiting". Visiting meaning you fly in, someone pick you up form the airport, and you don't have a car because you don't live there or have the $300+ for a weekly rental. Because when you leave a house to go to a certain destination, EVERYONE always wants to take one car. Bringing up taking another car, typically hurts people feelings. Especially when they say "It's an X long drive, we will save money on gas". If you cave, everyone is peeved at you the whole ride over and your TRAPPED until THEY want to leave. Or you don't cave, and the whole reason you went there is pouty and doesn't want to talk to you. But you can leave when ever you want, kinda defeating the purpose.
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Originally Posted by EnricoV
The OP mentioned nothing about being sociable. They only mentioned not talking to anyone.
I have issue with the attitude that anyone (not just the OP) can't get along with family because they "didn't grow up with them." We all form new relationships in our lives. I'm sure the OP didn't grow up with her boyfriend. Or their family. But she has formed a relationship with them. She can do it with her stepfather's family, if she makes an effort.
"Getting along" and "being part of a family" are different things. You "get along" with your coworkers, are they part of your "family"?
And, I think I have been making an effort. I've gone every year thus far. I'm really glad you can develop meaningful relationships in one day, but the rest of us are not that lucky. What am I supposed to do? Break up with my bf, quit my job, move in with my mother and stepdad, and try to be "besties" with my new grandma? That's stupid.
These is a huge difference between many of the different types of relationships being defined here. For example, if I had a child with my BF his parents would be part of that child's life. The "step grandparents" I am potentially visiting, will not. And even if they would, they would never be as close as that of my child and my BF parents. Maybe I'm wrong, but I would expect my future inlaws will have a more direct impact and be a bigger part of my life than my step grandparents. Even from the responses to my thread, people don't always get along with the step parent, let alone step grandparents.
OP, just do something to make yourself happy. I have multiple step families (long-story) and did not fit in because lines were drawn based on blood lines. It sounds like you've tried to make everyone happy but yourself. Just make a plan to alternate your visits--one year with your mother, another with your uncle, and then your boyfriend's family.
Your mother probably will not change at this point. However, just find a solution you feel comfortable with and can live with and let everyone else know the plan.
OP, just do something to make yourself happy. I have multiple step families (long-story) and did not fit in because lines were drawn based on blood lines. It sounds like you've tried to make everyone happy but yourself. Just make a plan to alternate your visits--one year with your mother, another with your uncle, and then your boyfriend's family.
Your mother probably will not change at this point. However, just find a solution you feel comfortable with and can live with and let everyone else know the plan.
CITYHOPPER: Every situation is unique and I think you have as good a solution as anyone . . . wise and measured advice.
OP: No way to please everyone all the time . . . and somewhere in that equation, doing what feels right to YOU has to figure into those plans.
Sending good thoughts and hoping things go well for you today.
"Getting along" and "being part of a family" are different things. You "get along" with your coworkers, are they part of your "family"?
And, I think I have been making an effort. I've gone every year thus far. I'm really glad you can develop meaningful relationships in one day, but the rest of us are not that lucky. What am I supposed to do? Break up with my bf, quit my job, move in with my mother and stepdad, and try to be "besties" with my new grandma? That's stupid.
These is a huge difference between many of the different types of relationships being defined here. For example, if I had a child with my BF his parents would be part of that child's life. The "step grandparents" I am potentially visiting, will not. And even if they would, they would never be as close as that of my child and my BF parents. Maybe I'm wrong, but I would expect my future inlaws will have a more direct impact and be a bigger part of my life than my step grandparents. Even from the responses to my thread, people don't always get along with the step parent, let alone step grandparents.
See, I'm not even sure why you posted. You don't want to have a relationship. You only want for everyone to tell you you're right in snubbing your family.
My family includes everyone who's been a part of it. Step-grandparents, exes, parents of exes, whoever. Sure, I only see these people at most a few times a year. But I don't go to those events and snub them because they're not my "besties." Many of them, I don't even like. I'm civil, friendly, catch up with them and their lives, and then leave and go on with my life. It didn't hurt me to do so, and it wouldn't hurt you.
But then, you have to think about those other people in order to do that, not just about how they make you feel, or whether they live up to your expectations.
See, I'm not even sure why you posted. You don't want to have a relationship. You only want for everyone to tell you you're right in snubbing your family.
My family includes everyone who's been a part of it. Step-grandparents, exes, parents of exes, whoever. Sure, I only see these people at most a few times a year. But I don't go to those events and snub them because they're not my "besties." Many of them, I don't even like. I'm civil, friendly, catch up with them and their lives, and then leave and go on with my life. It didn't hurt me to do so, and it wouldn't hurt you.
But then, you have to think about those other people in order to do that, not just about how they make you feel, or whether they live up to your expectations.
I think you are missing my point. The problem isn't that I am not talking to them. They don't include me when I go. They pretty much ignore me and only talk to each other. It's like my step-grandmother and my step father want me to go, but when I do I get a "Hi" and then they go on to only talk to other members of the family. They all talk to my mom, but no one ever talks to me. Even when they do, it's always really short and awkward. It's a horrible feeling to sit in a room full of people talking to each other and no one either wants/ or does to include you.
The problem is, people want to be nice, but they really arent. They mean well, but they don't follow through. I think you should have read my original post better.
I think you are missing my point. The problem isn't that I am not talking to them. They don't include me when I go. They pretty much ignore me and only talk to each other. It's like my step-grandmother and my step father want me to go, but when I do I get a "Hi" and then they go on to only talk to other members of the family. They all talk to my mom, but no one ever talks to me. Even when they do, it's always really short and awkward. It's a horrible feeling to sit in a room full of people talking to each other and no one either wants/ or does to include you.
The problem is, people want to be nice, but they really arent. They mean well, but they don't follow through. I think you should have read my original post better.
I have no problem with my reading comprehension, thank you.
You cannot make others do anything. You can only control yourself. They don't talk to you? .... Do you talk to them? That's not hard to do. Sit down next to someone, and talk to them. As them about themselves.
It sounds like you go to these events with a chip on your shoulder, not wanting to be there. And people can see that. So they're probably just leaving you to pout on your own. You're going to have to step up and make an effort. It'll make you a better person to do so. You'll learn how to carry yourself in any kind of a social situation. After all, that's what families are for. To practice life skills on.
OP, I have mixed feelings about all that you've posted, but I also have some insight.
I was divorced and when my kids were 18, 20, 22, and 24 I remarried - to a man they had never met prior to us dating seriously (of course they met him before we actually got married). He has one son, who was 11 when we got married. There are huge differences between our "family styles." His is a small family - he has only one brother (and he has a wife) and that brother has no kids. They have a mom and dad. They have a few distant cousins. Then there's the one son/grandson. That's it.
I have four grown kids, who now have seven kids between them. I have two brothers, two parents, and extended family such as the parents of my daughters' husbands (who are often involved in holidays as well) and THEY have other kids, grandkids, etc. One of my brother's is married and he has three kids and three grandkids as well. So...we're a large, loud, boisterous family.
I can only imagine my step son's discomfort - going from the only child and grandchild, to one of many. Honestly, he was used to being sort of "special" - the shining star, the Exalted One so to speak. Literally the only child or grandchild. Suddenly, he was only one of a herd. To his credit, I think he handled it well, and over the years he's enjoyed getting to know my boys, who are a bit older than him, but who took him in easily as well. I think it was good for all of them. He's also been forced to deal with lots of little kids, littler and cuter than him in fact (of course, only because he grew into a pimply, awkward teen as they were being born and were toddling around with big bows in their hair). My point is that he was used to being THE ONE and had to adjust to being one of many - and he also had to adjust to being around a very loud and rambunctious group of people.
To add to the potential discomfort, he is very much into sports and partying - college life as a very comfortable, affluent student who doesn't have to work, who lives in basically a luxury apartment complex, etc. Nothing wrong with that - he's an only child and his parents can afford this for him. But it's very different from my kids, who had to work while they were in college, who were into the arts instead of sports, and three of whom got married in their early twenties and started families.
And finally, my family is a military family and VERY multicultural - in our immediate family we have white, African American, Hispanic and Korean members. We're from all over the world, literally. His mom and dad (my husband) and their families are from a small town in East Texas. Period. One ethnic group. Two religions though - Baptist and Methodist (LOL!). That's about as much diversity as they've ever experienced.
(His dad, my husband, is different - his job has required that he travel all over the world for the past 35 years, so his perspective is different and much more open minded than the rest of the family.)
My stepson has weathered all this change and upheaval in his life very well. My hat is off to him. In fact, I think he embraced all this, rather than simply endured it. If not, he's a great fake. But what I mean is that I've noticed that he is willing to step way outside his comfort zone. When he comes into a room full of people he's not officially related to, of course they may stop what they're doing to tell him "Hi," but he's definitely not the center of attention. Why would he be? NO ONE is "the center of attention" in a big family.
In large families, it's often "root, hog, or die." That is, you have to throw yourself into the mix, you have to start conversations, you have to reach out. In a large group, if you're not actively interacting, it's easy to melt off into a corner. This isn't just in family situations, it's in social or work situations as well. So, I would encourage you to become more active within this group. Someone else mentioned bringing gifts or a gift basket. Good idea. Bring little candy treats or rice crispy cakes or something like that for the little ones. TALK to the little kids - they will respond positively, I promise. Little kids LOVE young adults paying attention to them - they will eat that right up, and then you will have the parents' ear and attention. Talk with the parents about how cute their little kids are. Ask them questions about the kids' activities. You will win the parents over by showing interest in their kids, I assure you. Help with the dishes - jump in there with the older ladies who seem perpetually at the sink, and roll up your sleeves with them. You will have them eating out of your hand in no time.
But if you just show up empty handed and hang about in a darkened corner, yes, you will probably be overlooked. Don't take it personally - there are lots of people about.
And here's another thing - I would perhaps NOT go every year, or somehow limit the time you spend there each year. You're an adult, you don't have to go for all day, every year. Your mom needs to understand that, and maybe she will, especially if you make the effort, maybe not ON Christmas day, but some time during the holidays, to spend some one on one time with her.
I don't think it's fair to expect her to spend Christmas day with just you. But it IS fair to ask for some one on one time with just her. I was going to say, that's one thing that I think my husband and I have done right in our blended family - though he has made sure that his son comes to big family events, he's also made sure that his son gets plenty of one on one time with just him, his dad. Not me, not my kids, just the two of them. And I've done the same with my kids. Sure, we want all of them to feel affectionate with each other, or to at least get to know each other, but we were also separate families before we were a blended family, and even adult kids need that validation sometime, the "I was here first" sort of feeling. It's OK to tell this to your mom and to insist on some time with just her. But I would pick my battles. If you don't want to spend CHRISTMAS DAY with a big, loud, boisterous new family, that's understandable, but I wouldn't demand that she foregoes that to spend it with you.
Compromise. Go some years but not every year. Or go every year but only stay a little while. But you are an adult. You will have to make the effort to bond with these people. Maybe you don't want to, but I think you should. It's not all year, it's just a few days a year. Step up to the plate. But at the same time, don't be shy about having an adult conversation with your mom about how you feel, and get some one on one time with her away from all that hustle and bustle.
These is a huge difference between many of the different types of relationships being defined here. For example, if I had a child with my BF his parents would be part of that child's life. The "step grandparents" I am potentially visiting, will not. And even if they would, they would never be as close as that of my child and my BF parents. Maybe I'm wrong, but I would expect my future inlaws will have a more direct impact and be a bigger part of my life than my step grandparents. Even from the responses to my thread, people don't always get along with the step parent, let alone step grandparents.
First off, I do deeply sympathize with your situation. It's tough to feel like you don't fit in anywhere. It's especially tough to do so when faced with a bunch of people who do. Life is simply, at times, unfair.
But I would caution you against some of the fates you've resigned yourself to, particularly towards what role "family" has and "step-family." In my own personal experience, my aunt's husband passed and she remarried (twice.) Step-dad number two didn't come into the picture until all the kids were grown, but I have never seen a more devoted grandfather to their children. My aunt sadly passed and has not been with us for many years now. So this is a man with no blood relation to these grandkids, who never knew his "step" kids until they were adults, but who is the most devoted, caring, giving grandfather in the world. He is at every family event. Blood doesn't matter, nor does the fact that my aunt passed some years ago and he remarried to a new woman who we now welcome into our "family" as well. Life is too short and there is no limit on how much love can be shared.
My BIL's mother lost her father when she was a child. Her mother did not remarry until she was an adult--almost 30. SHE actually married before her mother remarried, kinda funny. And so he was the only "grandpa" my BIL ever knew. And damn if he wasn't the best grandpa in the world too, according to my BIL.
Life is messy. Things go badly, and then sometimes they turn out okay anyway. There are worse things in the world than caring people you may not be related by blood to, but who want to make you family nonetheless. I wish peace to you.
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. He's been my "father figure" my whole life. I just wish my mom would let stuff go. Visiting my Uncle during this time of year is challenging because of geography. I would have to fly there, so it's more something to keep in mind next for year. But, I don't think my mother would take me not spending X-mas with her very well. 
