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Old 12-27-2013, 05:34 AM
 
16,487 posts, read 21,040,880 times
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I agree that if you go along with having them over to open gifts etc. once their crisis is over, as well as Christmas, that you are in essence saying they can freak-out for however long and be disrespectful, but when they decide to come around, there you'll be waiting for them again. I think I would eat whatever food you can from the fridge, maybe have some neighbors or friends over, but when your parents announce they want to get together tell them no. Now you can choose to make up an excuse, or you can just be honest and firm with them and tell them you are tired of their shi* and won't deal with it anymore and won't be getting together this year, as you HAD gotten ready for them earlier and they shined you on.
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Old 12-27-2013, 06:18 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,985 posts, read 14,642,417 times
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Next year, take a Christmas cruise - or do a mountain holiday. Something your immediate family can do - and blow off the rest of the crazy group. Invite your sister, but only if you think she will go and not pull a flake routine on you. Do NOT invite the problem people.
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Old 12-27-2013, 09:16 PM
 
6,758 posts, read 8,292,391 times
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I sure appreciate everyone's suggestions, here .

Several people said I should just not have them in my life. Yes, that's probably true. But our finances are intertwined, as a family, and it would take years to divide them, unless I was willing to risk losing my life savings.

Traveling for xmas next year sounds like a good idea. And Germaine's ideas about how to see my sis more helped me to start thinking productively about that aspect of things.
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Old 12-28-2013, 03:31 AM
 
37,975 posts, read 14,813,522 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
I sure appreciate everyone's suggestions, here .

Several people said I should just not have them in my life. Yes, that's probably true. But our finances are intertwined, as a family, and it would take years to divide them, unless I was willing to risk losing my life savings.

Traveling for xmas next year sounds like a good idea. And Germaine's ideas about how to see my sis more helped me to start thinking productively about that aspect of things.
Glad to read that this discussion has helped. The traveling over the holidays and seeing our sis at other times sounds like a grand plan.

The intertwined finances is a concern. You may want to start figuring out how to un-intertwine them. You may need to consult with an attorney, but I would encourage you to do this sooner rather than later. A group this goofy over Christmas dinner, no telling what will go on over money.
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Old 12-28-2013, 05:54 AM
 
1,193 posts, read 1,532,229 times
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I would arrange to be "busy" for awhile so as not to reward them with a "you cancel at the last minute but I'll still jump when you say so and be available" type scenario. If they expect you to cook, I'd mention you don't have the time and suggest a restaurant. And in the future, I would switch to restaurant gatherings for the holidays. We did this a few years back with some extended family and it's helped enormously. Not only does it assist in everyone being on their best behavior in a public location (because you might pitch a crazy in the privacy of your house, but are less likely in a crowded restaurant with the waiter standing there, aghast), but then there is no issue with food prep, house cleaning, etc.
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Old 12-28-2013, 11:23 AM
 
Location: Caverns measureless to man...
7,242 posts, read 4,652,380 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
I sure appreciate everyone's suggestions, here .

Several people said I should just not have them in my life. Yes, that's probably true. But our finances are intertwined, as a family, and it would take years to divide them, unless I was willing to risk losing my life savings.
I think that shutting them out of your life completely would be extreme, and not at all necessary. They're still family, and you obviously love them. There's no need to punish them for being this way; they just are who they are. I think all you need to do is focus on putting yourself in a position where their odd behavior isn't so hurtful and destructive to you, and that's easy to do without banishing them. They're still your parents, and the years go by so fast.... one day you look back and they're just gone. And you can't get them back. I'd still try to find ways to make it possible to have as much of a relationship with them as possible, without letting them cause so much disruption.
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Old 12-28-2013, 11:28 AM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
5,545 posts, read 5,062,171 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Albert_The_Crocodile View Post
I think that shutting them out of your life completely would be extreme, and not at all necessary. They're still family, and you obviously love them. There's no need to punish them for being this way; they just are who they are. I think all you need to do is focus on putting yourself in a position where their odd behavior isn't so hurtful and destructive to you, and that's easy to do without banishing them. They're still your parents, and the years go by so fast.... one day you look back and they're just gone. And you can't get them back. I'd still try to find ways to make it possible to have as much of a relationship with them as possible, without letting them cause so much disruption.
I agree, Albert...I'm growing increasingly concerned with the extreme nature of some of the advice given on City-Data. Don't like how someone treats you? CUT THEM OFF ENTIRELY!! When that is neither desired or warranted. Generally people don't want to end relationships, we just want them to work better.

Where do people go to learn the skills of setting boundaries, learning about compromise, seeing both sides, telling someone how you feel without judgement, walking a mile in someone else's shoes?
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Old 12-28-2013, 12:14 PM
 
Location: So Cal
40,283 posts, read 39,856,296 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
I sure appreciate everyone's suggestions, here .

Several people said I should just not have them in my life. Yes, that's probably true. But our finances are intertwined, as a family, and it would take years to divide them, unless I was willing to risk losing my life savings.

Traveling for xmas next year sounds like a good idea. And Germaine's ideas about how to see my sis more helped me to start thinking productively about that aspect of things.
A great example of not having "intertwined finances" together......I don't want to be bound to someone or something that is gonna cost me my life savings... not to deviate to far from the OP.

One thing I've learned over the yrs is if people are crappy people, not talking about the OP per se, if they crappy, being related doesn't hold much sway over me. I've seen and heard horror stories of how people just accept bull**** because they are simply related.

Thankfully most of the people in my life and Mrs. Chows life aren't that bad, not to extremes anyways....

Last edited by Chowhound; 12-28-2013 at 01:07 PM..
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Old 03-11-2014, 12:27 AM
 
1,314 posts, read 1,019,095 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagemomma View Post
I'm growing increasingly concerned with the extreme nature of some of the advice given on City-Data. Don't like how someone treats you? CUT THEM OFF ENTIRELY!! When that is neither desired or warranted. Generally people don't want to end relationships, we just want them to work better.

Where do people go to learn the skills of setting boundaries, learning about compromise, seeing both sides, telling someone how you feel without judgement, walking a mile in someone else's shoes?
Oooorrrrrr maybe you could read the advice more closely, and see that few of us say "CUT THEM OFF!!!" Many of us just suggest not putting up with the repeated bad behavior. If Xmas is a source of stress, don't host Xmas anymore. Then the problem just doesn't happen. They can still see the family members other times of the year. For the week of Xmas activities, things will be fine; they don't have to put up with endless family dramatics for the sake of one day of the year artificially inflated to seem uber-important.

I think it's you who are taking this to the extreme.
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