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Lotta threads this week about families and holiday drama. This is mine :/.
My parents have been divorced for 30 years, but we still do holidays together -- parents, me, sib, and whoever anyone happens to be dating or married to.
My dad has issues, and every year declares that he will not be coming to xmas dinner, for one reason or another. Most years, he does end up coming and we all have a good time. Mom also has massive issues about holidays. Sib and I work hard to keep everyone calm, and we do all the planning, cooking, etc. while they are busy freaking out.
This year, we were to have dinner at my place. I have been preparing food, cleaning, etc. Dad was doing ok, but someone in the family got him all stirred up again. In an unexpectd twist, mom has announced that she will go to his house for dinner with him and his wife. Sibling and I were not invited. The stress has caused a flare up of sib's chronic illness, so sibis not up for any interaction. Suddenly I have a fridge full of food and no guests. My friends all have their own families. This is especially harsh on me due to some life-altering (in the bad way) news I got this week, which I won't go into for privacy reasons, but you get the gist.
I know my family, and I know what is going to happen next. In a few days or a week, mom and dad will be over their holiday crises and will want to have a family dinner and exchange gifts. Maybe on new years, or just any random day when everyone is available.
In the past, when mom and dad act out like this and then want to be back to normal afterwards, my sibling and I go along with it, ignore the past, and we all have a pretty fun evening. But really, I feel this is rewarding bad behaviour. There are no consequences.
This is something I am trying to work on in my life as a whole right now -- a new years resolution, if you will -- not letting things slide, letting there be consequences.
But it is not something I am skilled at: How would I do it, here? Refuse to do gifts? They wouldn't care. They are not materially oriented, either of them. Something else? I don't want to pretend that everything is ok, but I am not sure what else to do.
If this has been going on for thirty years it is a little late to change how your parents interact with each other and with you and your sibling. But try to plan ways to help keep the stress as low as possible.
Perhaps next holiday you should plan to eat in a restaurant. That way you won't be stuck with lots of uneaten food if they don't show up.
And, if it is too stressful for you right now due to your recent bad news just tell them that you are not available for the next week or two (or three). After all, your house was clean, the food was prepared and you were ready for guests and they didn't show up when you were ready.
I know my family, and I know what is going to happen next. In a few days or a week, mom and dad will be over their holiday crises and will want to have a family dinner and exchange gifts. Maybe on new years, or just any random day when everyone is available.
.....
But it is not something I am skilled at: How would I do it, here? Refuse to do gifts? They wouldn't care. They are not materially oriented, either of them. Something else? I don't want to pretend that everything is ok, but I am not sure what else to do.
1. "I usually get home from work around 6, so if you want to stop by some evening and exchange gifts, anytime after 6 should work most nights." No need to be spiteful about it, but I wouldn't go so much as one extra inch to accommodate them, either. If they want to stop over, fine. if they don't, they don't.
2. I'd never invite them for the holidays again, and if they asked why, I'd tell them it's because I don't see the point in going to all that trouble and putting myself through the stress when they're probably not even going to bother showing up. If they're going to act like people who can not be counted on, there's nothing to do but treat them like people who can't be counted on.
Good luck with this. And best wishes on whatever the other issue is that was weighing on your mind this week.
It's true that my parents are older and unlikely to change. Maybe I should focus more on trying to budge stuff with my sis. She has a hard time socializing because of being ill. She reserves all her energies for holidays, so I rarely see her otherwise. I miss her a lot, and that's a big reason why I was upset about xmas.
She also tends to get super stressed out over our parents' antics. But she's unwilling to make plans that don't include them because it's important to her that we are all together. This isn't the first time all the stress has made her unable to come at the last minute.
I'm thinking that maybe next year I will talk to her in advance about making a backup plan for just me and her, in case the 'rents are pitching fits, and ask how I can support her to be less stressed.
It's true that my parents are older and unlikely to change. Maybe I should focus more on trying to budge stuff with my sis. She has a hard time socializing because of being ill. She reserves all her energies for holidays, so I rarely see her otherwise. I miss her a lot, and that's a big reason why I was upset about xmas.
She also tends to get super stressed out over our parents' antics. But she's unwilling to make plans that don't include them because it's important to her that we are all together. This isn't the first time all the stress has made her unable to come at the last minute.
I'm thinking that maybe next year I will talk to her in advance about making a backup plan for just me and her, in case the 'rents are pitching fits, and ask how I can support her to be less stressed.
I don't know what exactly is wrong with your sister, but honestly... is there a reason why she only has to see you with your parents? It seems kinda odd. I can understand parental antics being upsetting, but why doesn't she see you otherwise other times? It almost seems like you're just trading in one set of problems for another.
It's pretty freaking rude to blow off plans like that when someone spent money on food and has gone through the trouble of preparing it. There was no respect for you in those actions, so from where I sit, you don't owe any of them anything. Mail everyone their gifts and call it a (holi)day.
Not sure what you're going through, but if it's life-altering, you have more important things to worry about than some ridiculously juvenile family drama by people who should have outgrown it long, long ago. Put yourself first for a while, with no regrets.
The main issue I'm getting from reading the OPs posts is that she is doing her utmost to be the peace-maker, and banging her head against the wall trying to come up with solutions. When in the final analysis, the only person she can control/change is herself.
If others choose to act like nitwits and create havoc, so be it. It's up to each of us to make the decisions that work best for us; and if that means avoiding certain people at certain times, then that's the way it will be. . . otherwise a person continues to subject themself to unending and needless drama.
It's pretty freaking rude to blow off plans like that when someone spent money on food and has gone through the trouble of preparing it. There was no respect for you in those actions, so from where I sit, you don't owe any of them anything. Mail everyone their gifts and call it a (holi)day.
Not sure what you're going through, but if it's life-altering, you have more important things to worry about than some ridiculously juvenile family drama by people who should have outgrown it long, long ago. Put yourself first for a while, with no regrets.
Agree wholeheartedly. So sorry that you are going through this. No one should have to endure such rude thoughtless behaviour from family, esp. at the holidays - and from Mom and Dad for Heavensakes! I would be super mad about it, esp. with all the food you have gone and purchased and prepared, for them to behave like little spoiled children.
So now onward - put it aside, no more little make up dinners, just power one like it never happened. Stop enabling their bad behaviour please and remove yourself (suggest that sib does the same) from the holiday mix from here on.
Maybe plan on the holiday with your sib ONLY. Forget Mom & Dad, because they are acting like big babies. Maybe next year all can be avoided.
HOpe everything turns out ok with your "life altering news" and that 2014 will bring you a little peace and happiness!
As you are well aware, you can't control others, and you'll drive yourself nuts if you try to. You can only control yourself and how you react to others. If your parents are causing such grief, its likely time to do what works for you and not consider them any longer, since they have shown they certainly don't consider you.
If it were me, and they called in a few weeks wanting to get together, Id be busy. Id be sweet and polite, but just too busy to get together. It sounds like you have more important things going on with your life than putting up with their drama.
It's true that my parents are older and unlikely to change. Maybe I should focus more on trying to budge stuff with my sis. She has a hard time socializing because of being ill. She reserves all her energies for holidays, so I rarely see her otherwise. I miss her a lot, and that's a big reason why I was upset about xmas.
She also tends to get super stressed out over our parents' antics. But she's unwilling to make plans that don't include them because it's important to her that we are all together. This isn't the first time all the stress has made her unable to come at the last minute.
I'm thinking that maybe next year I will talk to her in advance about making a backup plan for just me and her, in case the 'rents are pitching fits, and ask how I can support her to be less stressed.
Focus on budging stuff with your sis? What happened there? Why aren't you two going out for afternoon tea, meeting for a movie, grabbing lunch together to catch up?
The whole group sounds nutty to me. Imagine, blowing off a holiday dinner at the last minute. Rude. And to a cherished family member, no less.
You may want to give up on the happy family fantasy. If your sis wants to get together with your folks, good for her. You can chose to join them or not. A restaurant might work best for this crowd.
But this is a wake up call, girl. Figure out who loves you and focus your relationship energy on those folks. If you don't have people in your life you want to spend time with, find some.
Meanwhile, call the local women's shelter or Salvation Army and ask where you can donate an already prepared meal. Many soup kitchens love to get just such donations to round out their selection of macaroni and bean dishes.
Knowing that your parents regularly freak out on holidays, it might be kindest to charge ahead with plans of your own next year. If sib wants to come along, fine. But I wouldn't base my holiday plans on this crowd getting it together to sit up straight and act right.
Yearning for parental attachment often flies in the face of logic and reason, but rest assured, though you may miss some times with your parents now while they cavort about in their lives, you will have plenty of time in their later years to get close to them. They will beg for you to live with them (or them with you), visit them, phone them.
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I would be super mad about it, esp. with all the food you have gone and purchased and prepared, for them to behave like little spoiled children. 
