Do you know people who gossip about total strangers? (boyfriend, father, sister)
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I don't think there's a "gossiping agenda" once you're out of grade school. I think people talk gossip in the same way that they talk about the shocking or scandalous developments of their favorite television show. It's just something scintillating, novel, or unbelievable that they want to discuss. Frankly, I think it's weirder when people talk about fictional television characters like their story plots are real life. "Can you believe Alicia Florrick did that? I mean, what was she thinking?!" Nothing, because she's not a real person and everything she does is simply a new plot device for the writers. It's far more interesting to think about why REAL people do the things that they do.
All people-related discussions are fun to me because I like contemplating the atypical experiences of others as well as how others navigate their lives. So, I like gossip and sharing with friends and family the behaviors I've encountered. Look around these forums at the threads people start, and you'll see that everyone does it. You're doing it right now.
My mother does the same thing, it drives me crazy, to the point I now say "mom who cares? I don't even know who you are talking about, talk about something else..."
She doesn't get why I can spend all day with my MIL but after an hour or two with her want to leave...
She'll even call me JUST to gossip and I respond with "oh yeah I'm doing fine, thanks for asking, how are you mom?"
My mother does the same thing, it drives me crazy, to the point I now say "mom who cares? I don't even know who you are talking about, talk about something else..."
She doesn't get why I can spend all day with my MIL but after an hour or two with her want to leave...
She'll even call me JUST to gossip and I respond with "oh yeah I'm doing fine, thanks for asking, how are you mom?"
Seriously, it's frustrating to say the least!
Share this with her next time:
"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."
My grandmother does the same thing, so I understand your frustration. But I understand she is just an elderly woman who is extremely observant and loves people watching. I usually just give lukewarm responses or change the topic of the conversation.
Have you encountered this phenomenon? What could possibly be the motivation? At least if a person is gossiping about people the listener knows, they are carrying out their gossiping agenda (which, I guess, is to be malicious and turn others against the subject by spreading something scandalous about them). But what satisfaction can one derive from gossiping about a person the listener has never met? Is it more than just talking to hear oneself talk (yes my Mom can do that too, so no need to introduce the gossip about strangers).
The bolded is why you're confused. They're not gossiping with the agenda of turning people against the subject. They are merely talking to you about a subject that interests them. That subject happens to be these other people for one reason or another.
It's not much different than someone interested in history talking about a non-fiction history book they recently read with someone who doesn't have the slightest interest in history. I'm not the slightest bit interested when coworkers constantly share pictures of their grandchildren because I don't know them. I'm polite about it and I don't wonder why they're showing me the pictures.
Sometimes it's just working out something in their minds. A coworker sharing that her MIL has a substance abuse problem and a SIL who did something sneaky is confiding about something that effects her life. In this instance, it's better to share these things with people who don't know the parties involved because they can't spread gossip since they don't know the people.
Your mother talk about these people could be as simple as her not having any other interesting topics of conversation due to having limited interests, etc. If she's not doing much else, the people she talks about are her life, even if you don't know them, and she has little else to talk about other than what's happening in their lives. If that's the case, it would be terribly disrespectful and rude to take nj21's advice and tell your mother she has a small mind.
I guess the part that baffles me is that my mom does have a full life, with lots of other things she could talk to me about, without having to resort to telling me scandalous stuff about people I don't know. She travels extensively, reads as much as I do, and there are plenty of people that we both know. So if she really had an innate need to discuss other people's business, she has numerous people who I actually met to choose from.
With the co-workers, if they were just sharing stories about other people that affect them, that would be more along the lines of "venting" like I described. But these people don't seem to be venting or seeking advice. They just have this air of excitement about spreading scandalous gossip. That gleam in their eye...
My mom also didn't seem to be venting or even sharing things that are important to her. She had that gleam in her eye that people who gossip get. That "hey, this is exciting and scandalous, and I'm the one telling it" look. If the stories were about people I actually knew, I would think that for a gossiper, the "payoff" would be much better.
Again, I'm not into gossip in general. I see it as a waste of space in my brain, and a waste of mouth movements. But I do "get" that salacious gossip excites and empowers people who like to gossip. There is indeed a gossiping agenda among people who like gossip--to feel superior, to show others that you're superior, to demonstrate that you are the dispenser of titillating information and therefore you're interesting, to malign the subject, to turn the listener against the subject, to feel powerful over the subject and over the listener, etc. It just seems that those things would not be so gratifying when telling stories about people the listener never met.
I guess in my study of human behavior, both professionally and personally, I'm always asking "what's the payoff?" when I see a behavior I couldn't see myself engaging in.
...and there are plenty of people that we both know. So if she really had an innate need to discuss other people's business, she has numerous people who I actually met to choose from.
Then she would be truly gossiping. Many people don't want to talk about people to people who know them because they don't want what they say to spread and hurt people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam
Again, I'm not into gossip in general. I see it as a waste of space in my brain, and a waste of mouth movements.
Aren't you gossiping with strangers about your mother and coworkers right now?
No, I'm coming to an anonymous forum where no one know who I am, or who my mother is, to vent a little, but mostly to ask honest questions about what might motivate such behavior. That's not the same as gossiping.
If I instead chose to post on facebook about what my mom was saying, to a bunch of people who know her, me, or both of us, and I intended to malign her, yes, that would be gossiping. Also, I'm not telling any stories of anyone doing anything salacious or scandalous, just something annoying.
No, I'm coming to an anonymous forum where no one know who I am, or who my mother is, to vent a little, but mostly to ask honest questions about what might motivate such behavior. That's not the same as gossiping.
If I instead chose to post on facebook about what my mom was saying, to a bunch of people who know her, me, or both of us, and I intended to malign her, yes, that would be gossiping. Also, I'm not telling any stories of anyone doing anything salacious or scandalous, just something annoying.
You've just proven that your mother isn't truly gossiping when she talks to you about people you don't know. It isn't any different from you telling anonymous forum members about someone they don't know. After all, that's the premise of your thread---why gossip about people who don't know the person being gossiped about. You were perplexed because you couldn't see the motive since gossip is meant to harm people. I pointed out that your mother isn't gossiping when she talks to strangers. She is talking to someone who is safe---people who can't repeat anything that was said---to protect the person that is being talked about. When your mother talks to you about someone you don't know, you can't spread what she said to anyone who matters---just like CD members can't spread what you're saying about your mother to anyone who matters.
"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."
My grandmother does the same thing, so I understand your frustration. But I understand she is just an elderly woman who is extremely observant and loves people watching. I usually just give lukewarm responses or change the topic of the conversation.
So true but my 79 year old grandmother doesn't do it, no excuse for my 55 year old mother either!
You've just proven that your mother isn't truly gossiping when she talks to you about people you don't know. It isn't any different from you telling anonymous forum members about someone they don't know. After all, that's the premise of your thread---why gossip about people who don't know the person being gossiped about. You were perplexed because you couldn't see the motive since gossip is meant to harm people. I pointed out that your mother isn't gossiping when she talks to strangers. She is talking to someone who is safe---people who can't repeat anything that was said---to protect the person that is being talked about. When your mother talks to you about someone you don't know, you can't spread what she said to anyone who matters---just like CD members can't spread what you're saying about your mother to anyone who matters.
Referring to the bolded statement above, yes, it is very different. First of all, none of you know me. I know that none of you know my mom, the subject of my post, but none of you know me either.
Yes, she was indeed gossiping. When people gossip, they have an agenda, to spread something negative about someone else, and to turn the listener against the subject. Plus, as I said, there is also the secondary gain of feeling powerful, over both the subject and the listener. When my mom talked about her acquaintances, she met all those criteria. She was being malicious. Even though I did not know the people, she clearly wanted me, the listener, to develop a negative opinion of these people. I realize you weren't there, so you have to take my word for it. But she had that "glint" that gossipers get. Just like my co-workers who gossip about people I don't know. They clearly mean malice toward their subjects, and they clearly are getting excitement and gratification from sharing the scandalous stories. That's different from just sharing interesting stories about a person.
With me, doing an anonymous post online, I meet none of the above criteria. I'm not spreading something negative about my mom, because no one here knows who my mom is. I'm not trying to turn any of you against her, or to get you to form a negative opinion of her or my co-workers (though it's fine with me if you do). There is nothing malicious about my post. I'm not trying to gain any power over her or over any of you, and I didn't unintentionally gain any such power by sharing my thoughts.
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