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Old 12-26-2013, 11:49 PM
 
37 posts, read 58,236 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Yes, I think it is possible to have a good relationship with your adult children.

And, sometimes, it may be appropriate to say something. If your child is getting serious with someone you can, IMHO, point out something glaring once and then let them make their own decision.

As an example, my daughter was starting to get very serious with a man from another country and I suspected that he may propose to her. I pointed out to her that he did not believe in monogamy in marriage and that she DID feel that husbands should be monogamous and that she had always said that "cheating was a deal breaker for her". Shortly after that they decided to "just stay friends".

Apparently, most/many men from his country, including him, felt that "of course, men will have mistresses, it is expected of them, but wives need to stay faithful to their husbands" and he had discussed it often with others including with our family. Now, if he actually told his potential in-laws that he thought "monogamy for men was stupid" I'm pretty confident that was not a value that he would change.

But, if a couple is just dating it is better to completely stay out of it.

Thank you Germaine! I definitely will keep this advise for the future. I realized I need to keep my mouth shut up now.
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Old 12-27-2013, 12:20 AM
 
Location: California
30,549 posts, read 33,376,257 times
Reputation: 26018
Ehh. I wouldn't invite her over. Both my kids have had bf/gf that I didn't like much and they found their way over enough without me inviting them for dinner or anything. I'd also just be blunt with my son and say 'don't get her pregnant' and see where that convo goes.

Of course there is a cast of dozens in my kids case, no HS sweethearts forever stuff for us . At 23 and 27 they still can't stay interested in anyone for the long term.
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Old 12-27-2013, 12:21 AM
 
Location: Consciousness
659 posts, read 965,940 times
Reputation: 835
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ns217 View Post
Got it! I'd better talking to him soon! The other day he came home and his neck has kissing marks.
Talk fast mama

When I was 15ish I went to work with a faint "passion mark" on my neck and a 20ish coworker promptly and boldly said "sucking leads to F%&king" I was so blown away and embarrassed by her remarks.

Yet truer words have never been said!

in case you need a little more motivation

When Grandparents Become Parents, the Second Time Around - WSJ.com
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Old 12-27-2013, 05:48 AM
 
16,487 posts, read 21,037,970 times
Reputation: 16171
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ns217 View Post
I need advices and support. My college freshman son has a girlfriend for over six months. My son goes to a decent out-of-state college. His girlfriend is in my local but has non-stop texting my son even he is in 4000 miles away. My son is very gentle, smart and sincere, plus he goes to one of the top universities in the nation. His girlfriend's family is treating my son as their investment, and they made my son agree not to see/make other girls at school so they could stay together in the future. Her parents told my son they were high school sweethearts so all those efforts are workable and possible to achieve.

I am not a jealous mom. I just want my son to keep his eyes and mind open. But I have been warned by my friends do not get involved or criticize his girlfriend and her family; otherwise will push him toward that family further. That girl and her family have non-stop texting or calling my son when he is back home for holidays, with all kinds of excuses and offers to make my son goes to their family.

What should i do? What could I tell my son but not making him being defensive?
Does your son act like he is ok with all of their calls and texts or not? If he is fine with it I would tread carefully. If he gets exasperated with it all I think I would just tell him you are concerned and why, maybe suggesting he just keep his options open, and that if he ever needs to talk to someone about this he is very welcome to contact you.
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Old 12-27-2013, 05:53 AM
 
26,323 posts, read 24,447,679 times
Reputation: 16012
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ns217 View Post
I need advices and support. My college freshman son has a girlfriend for over six months. My son goes to a decent out-of-state college. His girlfriend is in my local but has non-stop texting my son even he is in 4000 miles away. My son is very gentle, smart and sincere, plus he goes to one of the top universities in the nation. His girlfriend's family is treating my son as their investment, and they made my son agree not to see/make other girls at school so they could stay together in the future. Her parents told my son they were high school sweethearts so all those efforts are workable and possible to achieve.

I am not a jealous mom. I just want my son to keep his eyes and mind open. But I have been warned by my friends do not get involved or criticize his girlfriend and her family; otherwise will push him toward that family further. That girl and her family have non-stop texting or calling my son when he is back home for holidays, with all kinds of excuses and offers to make my son goes to their family.

What should i do? What could I tell my son but not making him being defensive?
nothing, let it all play out....get out of your son's life, he is grown up and able to make his own decissions, and if he is in love with this gal and you interfer, you will loose him. Try to see her and their good points and drop back out of the situation...there is nothing you can do, he is now an adult, allow him to make his own mistakes, you can no longer protect him, your job is done....say this to yourself over and over again....and consentrate on putting your mind and energy into new things, new hobbies....you've got to let go.
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Old 12-27-2013, 06:06 AM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
36,995 posts, read 45,466,452 times
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Does your son have respect for your opinion? Even though when kids go off to school it is normal for them to rebel and experiment with life and experiences, I have found that my kids will take something I say to heart, even though they are independent.
If I were you, I would express my honest opinion about this girlfriend, that he shouldn't be tying himself down to one person yet, and that you do not feel she is the right one for him for the following reasons, and then I would shut up about it. Deep down it will register, and he will put it into the mix when he thinks of his relationship with her.
I would not be able to resist throwing in the fact that some girls are not above becoming "accidentally" pregnant, so unless he wants to sabotage his whole future he needs to be VERY careful about this.
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Old 12-27-2013, 06:24 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 60,532,892 times
Reputation: 22277
There's no way he hasn't heard of condoms and pills, but I would talk about child support and that men can be trapped into paying 25% or more of their income for 18 years.

If you know specifics of how the gf and her family trying to manipulate him, you could ask him how he feels about these specific things but don't openly criticize them. Try to get him to think of why they might be doing this or that.
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Old 12-27-2013, 06:26 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
9,847 posts, read 20,111,326 times
Reputation: 12325
You should tell him that although you are looking forward to grandchildren in the future, you would prefer that he graduate and have a good job before he starts work on that part of his life. Getting a good education is extremely important for his long term success, and an unplanned child can have catastrophic results.

Don't even mention the girlfriend, as this is very general advice.

Then leave a box of average-sized, high quality condoms in his bedroom or bathroom and don't say anything else about it.
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Old 12-27-2013, 06:29 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
9,847 posts, read 20,111,326 times
Reputation: 12325
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
Does your son have respect for your opinion? Even though when kids go off to school it is normal for them to rebel and experiment with life and experiences, I have found that my kids will take something I say to heart, even though they are independent.
If I were you, I would express my honest opinion about this girlfriend, that he shouldn't be tying himself down to one person yet, and that you do not feel she is the right one for him for the following reasons, and then I would shut up about it. Deep down it will register, and he will put it into the mix when he thinks of his relationship with her.
I would not be able to resist throwing in the fact that some girls are not above becoming "accidentally" pregnant, so unless he wants to sabotage his whole future he needs to be VERY careful about this.
I think this is good advice, if handled carefully.
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Old 12-27-2013, 07:57 AM
 
Location: Clear Lake/NASA
116 posts, read 164,554 times
Reputation: 196
Dear Worried Mom:

Don't worry, don't interfere, and don't talk to him about condoms. Lord knows, if he attended public schools he probably has already been taught more about condoms and sex than you can teach him. However, I agree with malamute - I would stress to him that girls use pregnancy to trap boys, and that a baby at his young age would derail his future.

IMO, the most important encouragement you can give him is to do well in school, STAY in school, and get that degree. Everything else will work itself out. Life has a way of doing that!
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