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Old 12-30-2013, 11:28 AM
 
537 posts, read 987,226 times
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I am all about punctuality and communication. Someone who doesn't try at either doesn't really care about the friendship.

I'm fine with someone being late as long as they let me know in advance, even if it's a few minutes in advance.

And heck no, don't plan around someone's inability to get somewhere on time. That's their problem, not yours. I'm not about reinforcing rudeness.
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Old 12-30-2013, 11:32 AM
 
Location: Vermont
10,267 posts, read 11,138,855 times
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I think the ubiquity of cellular phones has made this more common. People should realize, but some people don't, that calling you at approximately the time they were supposed to meet you is not the same as being there on time.
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Old 12-30-2013, 11:34 AM
 
12,212 posts, read 13,435,737 times
Reputation: 14026
Quote:
Originally Posted by knitgirl View Post
I was supposed to meet a friend yesterday between 4:15 and 4:30 for an early dinner. (I hadn't had lunch.) I texted her at 3:30 and told her I'd be there closer to 4:15, she read my text. I got there at 4:10, texted her again with the exact location. She texted back at 4:23 that it took longer to scrape the ice off her car than expected. I thought I knew where she was leaving from, so assumed she'd be there in 10-15 minutes. She didn't show til 4:50, just as I was leaving. I was really pi$$ed by then, so I let her know and left. Would you have waited that long? Was I unreasonable?

Does it make a difference that she frequently does this? About a year ago, she called me an hour after she was supposed to meet me to let me know she was leaving the house. She lives an hour away from where we were meeting. I told her not to bother.
That's a deal breaker for me. You be there when we planned.
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Old 12-30-2013, 11:38 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 66,934,760 times
Reputation: 22369
This is so petty . . . hard for me to even relate.

I would have ordered a drink/appetizers and waited for an hour and then if they didn't show up, I would have been WORRIED and tried to contact my friend or get in the car and retrace his/her steps assuming they must have been in a wreck.

If they are a friend, things like getting somewhere 30 minutes late are just no big deal. And if it is habitual, you just learn to tell them - meet me at 4:00 and that way you know they will be there b/f 5 pm, when is your real target time, lol.

What kind of world do you live in? I am friends with folks who have last minute calls from clients or who get called into hospitals or who may be waiting on a babysitter who is late, etc etc.

If you HAD to leave, then what you should have done is wait as long as you could and if the friend still had not arrived, you text and say - so sorry - gotta get to xxx appointment (or punch in at work, whatever) and then ask when you can reschedule.

I don't have throw-away friendships.

Good grief.
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Old 12-30-2013, 11:52 AM
 
Location: sumter
8,436 posts, read 5,279,625 times
Reputation: 6527
Quote:
Originally Posted by sirtiger View Post
I disagree.

Once or twice, I may let it go. Other people's time aren't more valuable then mines. If someone is late, it is courtesy to communicate if they will be tardy. I would do the same in return. I personally believe in the 15 minute late rule
your point is well taken but the op said she does this frequently. so if you know full well how she is then why bother going through that all the time, why get on her case about it now. this is something as friends you can discuss. If I get upset every time a friend or family member leave me waiting, I would hardly have any friends. No, it's not acceptable to be that way. It's a little bit like that saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. If I call on my friend to meet me at a given time and I'm aware of his track record but yet I still go ahead with the plan. I'm just saying I wouldn't get upset about it knowing what I know, I have other friends I would call on to meet for dinner.
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Old 12-30-2013, 11:53 AM
 
Location: sumter
8,436 posts, read 5,279,625 times
Reputation: 6527
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
This is so petty . . . hard for me to even relate.

I would have ordered a drink/appetizers and waited for an hour and then if they didn't show up, I would have been WORRIED and tried to contact my friend or get in the car and retrace his/her steps assuming they must have been in a wreck.

If they are a friend, things like getting somewhere 30 minutes late are just no big deal. And if it is habitual, you just learn to tell them - meet me at 4:00 and that way you know they will be there b/f 5 pm, when is your real target time, lol.

What kind of world do you live in? I am friends with folks who have last minute calls from clients or who get called into hospitals or who may be waiting on a babysitter who is late, etc etc.

If you HAD to leave, then what you should have done is wait as long as you could and if the friend still had not arrived, you text and say - so sorry - gotta get to xxx appointment (or punch in at work, whatever) and then ask when you can reschedule.

I don't have throw-away friendships.

Good grief.
That's what I was trying to say but you said it best.
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Old 12-30-2013, 12:51 PM
 
912 posts, read 1,241,856 times
Reputation: 2275
I had a friend that was habitually late. Not just 5-10 minutes, but 30-60 minutes. She would call/text 5 minutes after she was supposed to be there to tell me that she'd be there in about 15 minutes because of *insert excuse and poor planning here*. And then she still wouldn't show up for a half hour or more. It's exasperating to deal with, and it tells me that she doesn't value my time. As far as my friend, calling her out on it just made her laugh, shrug, and say "Oh, you know how I am! I don't know why you get so mad about it!" I'd consider us acquaintances rather than friends these days, and the lateness isn't why, but I don't miss that particular aspect of her at all. I tried the "Tell her 4:30 when you mean 5" trick, too. That time, she was only 15 or so minutes late, figured out what I did and got mad.

I understand -- life is busy these days. Everyone is trying to cram too much into a too short day. I get it. This argument is frequently used to justify habitual lateness, but I don't understand how the flip-side of it isn't seen. Your life is busy, so you're constantly running late. However, my life is busy too, and this is the time I set aside to spend with you. I managed to arrange my schedule and priorities to spend time with you, and you can't extend the common courtesy of being punctual (or provide honest communication about your time of arrival)? How is that fair?

I'm not talking about people with genuine emergencies -- everyone's had something unexpected happen, and for my friends that are rarely/never late, I do get very worried if they don't show up and don't communicate. But for the people that are habitually late to everything, over time, worry gets replaced with automatic annoyance.

OP, I don't know the history with you and your friend -- if it's like me and my friend above, I totally understand your annoyance because there's a long history of it. However, all you cite is this example and the one from a year ago. And assuming those aren't the last two times you've hung out in a year, that doesn't exactly make a "history" of tardiness on her part. The weather thing is plausible, and you do admit that you "thought" you knew where she was coming from and "assumed" you knew when she'd arrive. It sounds like some lack of communicating on both sides, really -- maybe she really was coming from farther away than you thought. But, again, if you have an extensive history of this with her, I get it.
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Old 12-30-2013, 01:13 PM
 
Location: S. Nevada
851 posts, read 847,052 times
Reputation: 1044
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
If you know she does this all the time, why not plan for it and not get there that early?
I dated a gal that was chronically 15 minutes late. Being an engineer, I just "recalibrated" for this and all was well...on that front.
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Old 12-30-2013, 01:13 PM
 
Location: USA
1,590 posts, read 1,720,893 times
Reputation: 1630
Quote:
Originally Posted by knitgirl View Post
I was supposed to meet a friend yesterday between 4:15 and 4:30 for an early dinner. (I hadn't had lunch.) I texted her at 3:30 and told her I'd be there closer to 4:15, she read my text. I got there at 4:10, texted her again with the exact location. She texted back at 4:23 that it took longer to scrape the ice off her car than expected. I thought I knew where she was leaving from, so assumed she'd be there in 10-15 minutes. She didn't show til 4:50, just as I was leaving. I was really pi$$ed by then, so I let her know and left. Would you have waited that long? Was I unreasonable?

Does it make a difference that she frequently does this? About a year ago, she called me an hour after she was supposed to meet me to let me know she was leaving the house. She lives an hour away from where we were meeting. I told her not to bother.

When people have disabilities, we learn to work around them. This is something like that.

If she doesn't care about being on time, do this: assume that she'll be very late and ask yourself if you're willing to wait. If not, don't make plans.

Or maybe she doesn't know how to calculate time to be there on time. Help her figure it out before hand (how much time she'll need for this and that and how much for driving and when she'll need to leave the house).
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Old 12-30-2013, 01:17 PM
 
Location: USA
1,590 posts, read 1,720,893 times
Reputation: 1630
Quote:
Originally Posted by jayway View Post
I dated a gal that was chronically 15 minutes late. Being an engineer, I just "recalibrated" for this and all was well...on that front.
A great idea.
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