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Simple way to handle the problem, you make a better deal for the two of you.
You and your husband plan a nice romantic getaway for the two of you.
Then call and brag to all your relatives your mil last, about what a wonderful husband you have and what he is doing to celebrate your birthday. Let them know you have plans, doing something really special. In fact you can make it sound even more exciting than it really is. Make it much more exciting than going to her house for a family party can ever be.
Now you are in control. No waiting around to get your feelings hurt. If he has forgotten your birthday, or was going to skip you, nothing matters. You have decided what you and your husband want, and give him credit for being the wonderful man he is. If she is planning on ignoring your birthday, you have cut her out of your plans, and she is the looser. It is a way of saying, you and your husband are important to each other and as it is your big 40th, you are going to do something special.
You now have control, not your mil. The more excited you sound about what he is doing for you, shoves her to the back of the pack and the whole family will know it.
My mother in law has thrown a 40th birthday party for everyone in the family so far. Well, my 40th is one month away. Right now, my husband and her are not getting along. I am expecting to be left out of this tradition. It is NOT that I want a birthday party. It is about the fact that I would be getting treated differently. We have always had a rocky relationship and when we moved 7 yrs ago due to family issues, she sent birthday cards and money to my husband and our children, but not me. I have never felt welcomed into to the family. My mom and her worked together when I started dating my husband and our mom's despised each other. I was a stay at home wife/mom, she disapproved. Then my sisters-in -law did the same and it was ok. We were bashed by the family for trying to buy the family farm for too low of a price they said, but now my b-i-l bought it for the same price and its ok. Get the point?? Its about how we are treated by them. I know it is a month away yet, I'm not gonna jump the gun and get upset right now. It just came to mind today and I'm wondering what other people would feel/do in that situation.
It sounds to me like you are your MIL don't get along so much that she wouldn't give you a 40th bday party even if your husband and her were talking. Face it, she doesn't like you, she is not treating you the same as everyone else and she won't. Is it fair? No. It is painful? Yes, but it is what it is and it likely won't change. I never got along with my MIL and it took awhile, but I finally realized it wasn't going to change. the sooner you accept this the better.
Considering the treatment you've received, I'd be relieved. Besides, that's a "get out of future MIL obligations free card" for you.
I second that, in the OP's place I would be grateful not to be included in the tradition at this point. To much past ill will to expect that it is going suddenly be all kissy-kissy for a birthday party.
I don't know why you're so worried about this. You and your husband can throw your own 40th birthday party and invite whoever you wish. Obviously your MIL IS going to treat you (and apparently your husband) differently, so...just give up any expectations otherwise.
The good thing about this is that it gives you the perfect excuse to severely limit your interactions with her, now and in the future. This will work especially well in your favor as she becomes elderly and needs more and more assistance. Let the other family members she's catered to for so long step up to the plate!
Meanwhile, live your own life and to heck with the rest of them. I mean, be nice and friendly, but I wouldn't put too much emotional energy into intense interacting with them - in fact, I'd put more distance in place!
Ah the joys of in-laws! Mine hated me from the minute I began dating their son. Hated me until the day they died and made no bones about it. Their funerals were somewhat entertaining to me. All these people going on and on and on about how wonderful, kind, caring, take care of others, blah blah blah people they were. A few times I almost burst out laughing at the MIL's funeral. Even my husband wondered who the heck these people were talking about.
Our families - both sides - have been such a thorn in our side. We almost called off the wedding more than once because of them and their issues. We moved out of state a few years ago. We moved back to the state last year only 3 hours away. Close enough for a visit, but far enough away that we don't have to deal with them. Then my mother drops this bombshell Christmas weekend that she wants to move down the street from us. If that ever happened, sadly we'd be forced to move agin and we love this home and the area. We just can't live near any of them because of the drama and drain on our lives that they are.
Go celebrate your birthday. Don't expect anything from her. You'll be happier in life. Easier said than done, but it's really easier in the long run.
My MIL and FIL didn't even come my husbands 40th birthday party. I certainly didn't want them at my 40th birthday party. It's your day. Make it special.
My mother in law has thrown a 40th birthday party for everyone in the family so far. Well, my 40th is one month away. Right now, my husband and her are not getting along. I am expecting to be left out of this tradition. It is NOT that I want a birthday party. It is about the fact that I would be getting treated differently. We have always had a rocky relationship and when we moved 7 yrs ago due to family issues, she sent birthday cards and money to my husband and our children, but not me. I have never felt welcomed into to the family. My mom and her worked together when I started dating my husband and our mom's despised each other. I was a stay at home wife/mom, she disapproved. Then my sisters-in -law did the same and it was ok. We were bashed by the family for trying to buy the family farm for too low of a price they said, but now my b-i-l bought it for the same price and its ok. Get the point?? Its about how we are treated by them. I know it is a month away yet, I'm not gonna jump the gun and get upset right now. It just came to mind today and I'm wondering what other people would feel/do in that situation.
In your shoes, I'd feel relieved if she didn't throw a party. Look at it this way: You will not have to stand around smiling and pretending to be thrilled in their presence, and being ignored this way releases you from any obligations to reciprocate or make a big deal out of their birthdays, or anything about them, actually. When people you don't like in the first place treat you like you don't exist, revel in the freedom it affords you. You can now ignore them as it suits you, and get on with your life without their toxic b.s. Enjoy!
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I certainly didn't want them at my 40th birthday party. 
