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Old 01-24-2014, 05:04 AM
 
25 posts, read 25,227 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thesefourwalls View Post
YES! Hence why she (mom) won't go on her own
She said it right after the first time I suggested it... like she didnt want to deal with her demons alone is how I took it... or thought we needed to go toegther which is what bugged me because I'm tired of the enmeshment and since its HER issue/s I didnt want to be involved, yet again.
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Old 01-30-2014, 10:54 AM
 
4,881 posts, read 4,825,368 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Osito View Post
I don't blame you for severing ties with her, she doesn't sound like much of a mother at all. She had no right to burden you with all of that stuff but a lot of mothers do it, mine included. Oh but they expect you to keep it all to yourself after that. It's very maddening. And everybody feels a little jealousy now and then but they don't let it affect them, least of all mothers. They work so hard presumably so their daughters can have a better life and better experiences than they did, but unfortunately the selfish human beings in many of them derail it. Your mother does need professional help and at this point I would refuse a relationship with her until she gets it. How has she handled the loss of contact with you? In the meantime, know that you did your best, continue to be good to yourself and be on the path to healing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by didee View Post
Yeah, but just be careful with how much you share. I don't want to sound paranoid, but a true narcissist would deny and spin the above against you. For example, "competitive? Who's competitive? You're imagining things, you always do that..." etc., etc.
Then again, Marlow's is a good script. I just know that with my dysfunctional relationship, "anything I say may be used against me." I learned the hard way to divulge carefully so as to avoid this "spin cycle."
^^^Some excellent advise.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cometgal View Post
I used to love her... now I really dont know what to think/feel. Part of me still loves her but I have been quite traumatized from all this.
I can relate and say the exact thing - used to. Now, after so many years (a life time since we are
much older) all I can say is that I have some empathy for her. So I will call her occasionally.
It is very hard for any child (even adult children of cruel parents) because it's your mother and a good
mother is not suppose to make her children feel that way - so the mother uses her tricks that worked
in the past with a big dose of guilt (in addition to some family members who help mom with that).
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Old 02-09-2014, 07:08 PM
 
25 posts, read 25,227 times
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Default Still plauged by mother issue... different approach please

Hi again all. I am still feeling plauged by the issue with my mother. People here had given their opinions and suggestions for my situation and that was hepful, but what would really help me is knowing how others would FEEL and REACT had they been in my shoes.

1) To recap... during an argument with my mother she all of a sudden said "You always flaunted your boyfriends in front of me ever since you were a teenager!"

What would you FEEL and how would you REACT if your mom said that to you?
__________________________________________________ _____________________

2) A few days later you tell her her comment really bothered you and she responds with "Well maybe because there's some truth in it!" You ask her to elaborate and she says "Like you were always thinking 'oh poor mom doesnt have a boyfriend' " You tell her you never thought that about her and feel it was a very strange thing to say you. Her response is “Well my mother said weird things to me. It was just a comment get over it already.”

How would you FEEL and REACT to these comments...and would you distance yourself from her?
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Old 02-10-2014, 05:56 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,631 posts, read 41,354,662 times
Reputation: 81921
I would feel shocked and disturbed and sad for my mother and angry at her and about half a dozen other emotions that I don't have time to go into.

Yes, would distance myself from her. Your mom apparently has problems understanding personal emotional boundaries and projected a lot of her feelings onto you.

It's a twisted way to raise a child. If you haven't sought therapy, you should.
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Old 02-10-2014, 06:03 AM
 
7,496 posts, read 9,712,487 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cometgal View Post
Hi again all. I am still feeling plauged by the issue with my mother. People here had given their opinions and suggestions for my situation and that was hepful, but what would really help me is knowing how others would FEEL and REACT had they been in my shoes.

1) To recap... during an argument with my mother she all of a sudden said "You always flaunted your boyfriends in front of me ever since you were a teenager!"

What would you FEEL and how would you REACT if your mom said that to you?
__________________________________________________ _____________________

2) A few days later you tell her her comment really bothered you and she responds with "Well maybe because there's some truth in it!" You ask her to elaborate and she says "Like you were always thinking 'oh poor mom doesnt have a boyfriend' " You tell her you never thought that about her and feel it was a very strange thing to say you. Her response is “Well my mother said weird things to me. It was just a comment get over it already.”

How would you FEEL and REACT to these comments...and would you distance yourself from her?
Well I can only speak for myself, but if my mother said that to me, I would be able to tell her she did the same thing.
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Old 02-10-2014, 06:35 AM
 
Location: sumter
8,489 posts, read 5,311,038 times
Reputation: 6562
Your mother sure sounds like she have issues to deal with, but should that surprise you based on the things she went through as a child that she had no control of. I wouldn't completely turn my back on her, your mother needs you rather she believes it or not. Out of everything she went through as a child and now to have her child shut her out of her life. I'm not sure if that will be helpful and I would do everything I can to help her before completely giving up on her. Maybe have some one on one time with her without your boy friend like on a lunch date or shopping. When was the last time you told her that you love her in spite of everything she said to you. NEVER give up on your mother, she is hurting and don't know how to reach out for help. Also is there any medical issues that could be contributing to things? Where would a lot of us be today had our parents given up on us as troubled young people who gave our parents hell. Not talking about you but just generally speaking. So, hang in there, roll up your sleeves and be in this fight for the long haul. Oh, and never ignore her phone calls, you have to be the better person here.
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Old 02-10-2014, 02:14 PM
 
Location: Jollity Farm
254 posts, read 319,084 times
Reputation: 299
Well, I would -feel- like a disgusting, slutty, ugly, useless, waste of air, piece of ****, who was undeserving of no one and nothing. My mom has that effect and she relishes it. I would -react- by pleading and trying to understand and when that failed I would be a wreck and prolly contemplating whether my life was worth living at all. Again, she has that effect and relishes it*. Would I cut her off at that point? I don't know, because I put up with so much from her for so long, but I did eventually cut her out, so maybe.


*I am hearing this in my own mothers voice, of course, where it would have been a full on, take no prisoners ambush attack. I have no idea of your mothers delivery.
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Old 02-10-2014, 03:00 PM
 
15,254 posts, read 16,764,332 times
Reputation: 25411
Quote:
Originally Posted by cometgal View Post
Hi again all. I am still feeling plauged by the issue with my mother. People here had given their opinions and suggestions for my situation and that was hepful, but what would really help me is knowing how others would FEEL and REACT had they been in my shoes.

1) To recap... during an argument with my mother she all of a sudden said "You always flaunted your boyfriends in front of me ever since you were a teenager!"

What would you FEEL and how would you REACT if your mom said that to you?
__________________________________________________ _____________________

2) A few days later you tell her her comment really bothered you and she responds with "Well maybe because there's some truth in it!" You ask her to elaborate and she says "Like you were always thinking 'oh poor mom doesnt have a boyfriend' " You tell her you never thought that about her and feel it was a very strange thing to say you. Her response is “Well my mother said weird things to me. It was just a comment get over it already.”

How would you FEEL and REACT to these comments...and would you distance yourself from her?
How anyone else would feel and react isn't really relevant, because no one else has the background that you have with your mother.

Having said that, if my mom had ever accused me of flaunting my boyfriends in front of her I would think she was a nut. In the non-nutty world, mothers and daughters don't compete for boyfriends or try to outdo one another in any way, much less in the context of dating.

Then, if I'd told her it bothered me and she dismissed my feelings, I'd think she was deliberately being hurtful in an effort to draw attention away from having previously been rude and insulting.

Finally, I would hold her at arms length after that and do my best to share nothing of my personal life with her.
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Old 02-11-2014, 03:42 AM
 
25 posts, read 25,227 times
Reputation: 17
Thanks for responses all. I have been haunted by this for over a year now and its really helpful to hear others say how they would feel because she made me feel like I shouldnt even have the feelings I do. This is what drove me to cut her out completely... the insaneness of her comments and then telling me I shouldnt feel the way I do about it even so far as to try to excuse her behvaior by saying her mother said similar thigns to her. I have felt insecure about what I'm feeling but this gives validation which is really helpful and the more I could hear people would have the same feelings and reactions the better.
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Old 02-11-2014, 05:33 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,631 posts, read 41,354,662 times
Reputation: 81921
You cannot help how you FEEL about things. And no one can tell you how you SHOULS feel about anything.

However, you CAN choose how to REACT.

The original thread gave you lots of good advice about how to keep your mother from affecting you. YOu definitely should take it.
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