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I feel your pain...and yes it is your business as your parents' son, that someone (even if it is one of their other children) is taking advantage of them in their later years. The best thing I would say is DO keep a decent relationship with your parents don't neglect them, out of resentment for what they do for deadbeat-bro. And try to check in with them on whether they are saving and managing adequately for all their living expenses. I've got a feeling this detail is going wanting while they are indulging their adult child. This could wash back on you, later on and you may have to shoulder financial items for them. It's not like your brother is going to do it. So you may have to figure out a way to have The Money Talk with them as regards living arrangements, living trusts, extended care, their savings and debts, etc. If one of them suffers catastrophic illness or some sudden financial setback, I think all your brother is going to do is take off for greener pastures and find a woman to live off of.
This. 100%
Unless the OP's parents are wealthy, the continued gravy train to the older brother could result in some serious financial hurt for the parents in their later years. Then who will help support the parents? The older bro who took and took and took and has nothing to show for it in 15 or 20 years, or the OP who found his own way and made something of himself?
I have experience with this. The responsible sibs in my family are helping out my parents (paying bills, providing a place to live, etc.) while the irresponsible sibs keep going to them for $20 here and $50 there. "I got a speeding ticket and need $305" --that kind of stuff. And it's only SS now, because the savings got wiped out in the crash of '08, so these small amounts add up. But we responsible ones don't give my parents cash anymore because we know where it would go. It hurts to tell mom that you can't give her $500, but when you know that she's in a bind because she paid that speeding ticket for the irresponsible sib, it hurts a little less. So the better choice is to take her grocery shopping and pay the bill.
I may have been the OP 20 years ago. I'll admit it--I used to be jealous back then when I was much younger and saw the irresponsible ones having cars bought for them and getting their bills paid. Now there's nothing to be jealous about. The feeling now is more pity. And caution--because when my parents pass on, who will they come to for help?
I'm guessing they won't be continuing this forever, and now his main lifeskill is taking handouts, so he probably won't fare well.
If you can, take some comfort in that.
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I think it is my problem because all children should be treated equally. Again I do not want his treatment, I want him to have my treatment.
I enjoy my job. But obviously it is always on my mind that I could be not working at all and enjoying the weather some place warm. I just don't feel it is right. I feel screwed over.
For your own health you need to let it go. Your post is basically asking "how can I make other people do what I want?" The answer is you can't. You control yourself and nothing else.
Right now, I am assuming, you have a decent life outside of this, yes? A family perhaps and a good job? If so, fantastic. Focus on the good in your life, find ways to make things better, and on top of that do something like volunteer to build houses with Habitat for Humanity. Whatever it takes. But my advice is to acknowledge that you are hurt, and then let it go.
Unless the OP's parents are wealthy, the continued gravy train to the older brother could result in some serious financial hurt for the parents in their later years. Then who will help support the parents? The older bro who took and took and took and has nothing to show for it in 15 or 20 years, or the OP who found his own way and made something of himself?
I have experience with this. The responsible sibs in my family are helping out my parents (paying bills, providing a place to live, etc.) while the irresponsible sibs keep going to them for $20 here and $50 there. "I got a speeding ticket and need $305" --that kind of stuff. And it's only SS now, because the savings got wiped out in the crash of '08, so these small amounts add up. But we responsible ones don't give my parents cash anymore because we know where it would go. It hurts to tell mom that you can't give her $500, but when you know that she's in a bind because she paid that speeding ticket for the irresponsible sib, it hurts a little less. So the better choice is to take her grocery shopping and pay the bill.
I may have been the OP 20 years ago. I'll admit it--I used to be jealous back then when I was much younger and saw the irresponsible ones having cars bought for them and getting their bills paid. Now there's nothing to be jealous about. The feeling now is more pity. And caution--because when my parents pass on, who will they come to for help?
This is the issue. ^^^^^
Aside from sibling rivalry, jealousy, etc., when parents have an open checkbook with one of their children, it can seriously harm their financial well-being. And you can be 100% sure that the "taker" will not be around to help out. Instead, he will most likely appeal to his siblings for financial help.
This was a huge worry for me until my mom passed away last October. She was paying out of pocket for nursing home level care in a private facility and I hoping she would not run out of money before she passed away. My parents supported by able-bodied, employed brother to the tune of probably $700 per month for about 20 years before I put a stop to it when I took over my mom's finances. It turned out fine for my mom, but I often thought about how much more money she would have had (and less worry) if they had not done that.
For the record, I never was mad at my parents for the support they gave my brother. But I was dismayed and disgusted by the fact that he took it without a thought for anyone else.
I think it is my problem because all children should be treated equally. Again I do not want his treatment, I want him to have my treatment.
I enjoy my job. But obviously it is always on my mind that I could be not working at all and enjoying the weather some place warm. I just don't feel it is right. I feel screwed over.
You feel like you are being screwed over, but really, you aren't. Someone was given more than you. My neighbor has a faster car than me. Everyone can find something to be offended about if they look.
Count your blessings. You have a good relationship with your parents, and your younger brother, and are a self supporting grownup, and not a lazy manchild. Why in the hell would you jeopardize that because of their financial decisions that DON'T AFFECT YOU.
DO NOT let your brother's perceived life of ease ruin any of this. Just don't worry about it. It really isn't your business until it begins to affect YOU (if your parents asked you to send him money, etc...) You aren't entitled to anyone else's money. Take a deep breath...Goosefrabba...Goosefrabba...Goosefrabba.. .Feeling better?
I can relate to a point, though my older brother ultimately has not been a financial siphon (he was early on but turned it around and has paid it back in abundance). But I made a decision long ago that I needed to just live my life, on my terms without allowing a difficult relationship to affect me.
Let it go, it will be among the most liberating things you will ever do for yourself. When you're forced to get together endure and try to roll with the punches. My brother has tried for an entire lifetime to establish dominance over me and despite his often extensive efforts has failed to do so; it drives him mad and provides me some measure of comfort (I love jabbing him with lines such as "respect isn't a birth rite, it needs to be earned").
And the very best strategy is to live a life on your own terms and be happy for it. He's twice divorced with one child who's something of a train wreck while I've been happily married for two decades, with two normal (but awesome) children and a life I truly love. Plus I am free of judging myself through the eyes of others and need validation from no one, something he's still desperate to find even after all this time.
Unless the OP's parents are wealthy, the continued gravy train to the older brother could result in some serious financial hurt for the parents in their later years. Then who will help support the parents? The older bro who took and took and took and has nothing to show for it in 15 or 20 years, or the OP who found his own way and made something of himself?
I have experience with this. The responsible sibs in my family are helping out my parents (paying bills, providing a place to live, etc.) while the irresponsible sibs keep going to them for $20 here and $50 there. "I got a speeding ticket and need $305" --that kind of stuff. And it's only SS now, because the savings got wiped out in the crash of '08, so these small amounts add up. But we responsible ones don't give my parents cash anymore because we know where it would go. It hurts to tell mom that you can't give her $500, but when you know that she's in a bind because she paid that speeding ticket for the irresponsible sib, it hurts a little less. So the better choice is to take her grocery shopping and pay the bill.
I may have been the OP 20 years ago. I'll admit it--I used to be jealous back then when I was much younger and saw the irresponsible ones having cars bought for them and getting their bills paid. Now there's nothing to be jealous about. The feeling now is more pity. And caution--because when my parents pass on, who will they come to for help?
Absolutely. Buy them Grocery Store gift cards.
Then they can get what they need, and not support your sibs.
Sage but I am frustrated nonetheless. Why can I not have it that easy? It will catch up with him eventually but he has had 10 lazy years I will never have.
So would you really want or expect your parents to support you so you could live a wasted life, like your brother's?
Perhaps you don't really feel like this, but the tone and content of your posts suggest that you're purely jealous of your brother for not having to earn his own way, for your parents being willing to provide a free ride for your brother, and this is why you don't like him. Would things change if your parents supported you like they do your brother? Do you have any concerns about your parents not having the means to support themselves if they're spending too much of their money supporting your brother?
I don't know about you, but I'd be ashamed to be such a drain on my parents while I wasted my life and accomplished nothing.
On the other hand, why IS it that parents pay off their children's student loans....I wouldn't.
To put it nicely, "Their money, their kid. None of your business. Stay out of it."
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