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Hello Irish. I see your wife is still causing trouble. Sorry to hear that. Although your wife still has issues (to say the least) I think one of her main problems is that she just doesn't like "change". She throws fits and sulks and acts like a big baby when something happens to upset the status quo. But, and this is a big but, it does appear that if the change does happen anyway, she accepts it and moves on to something else. Am I wrong? I remember she was dead set against your son going to college but now she seems to accept that and is focusing on the girlfriend and his getting a job. I know it's not much, but it is progress in a weird sort of way. I am not saying this is healthy, but if this is how she is, then maybe you need to adjust how you deal with her going forward. Perhaps you shouldn't spin your wheels so much trying to reason with your wife and instead just continue to do what is best and right for your son.
Another thought:
Maybe your son has already figured this out in his own way. By what you have said, he seems to pretty much screen her out and does his own thing. Perhaps he's figured out she's all bark and no bite and that eventually she goes along with things.
That's up to you. He needs to work on his own relationship with his mother and you really should stay out of their arguments. But, at the same time, it may be best for you as well if she is simply a forbidden topic of conversation in your house. So maybe you could advise him to do that once and then no longer become involved.
It may be also best if she does not come over for awhile, but I don't think I'd tell him he can't have her over. I'd simply advise him that it may not be a good idea for now.
I wanted to talk the Rachel thing and the job thing out, just the two of us.
Me: I think you’re blowing this Rachel thing out of proportion, honestly, this is a puppy love thing, she’s not going after money or trying to get married.
Her: Well the puppy love has gone on way too long.
Me: What has she done that is so bad?
Her: the tattoos and the skanky clothes.
Me: But she hasn’t done anything. They’re not popping pills in the kitchen, they watch Netflix all night. I bet she’s a nice girl.
Her: You’re supposed to be on my side.
Me: I don’t take sides, I want this situation done.
Her: So you could care less if he carries on this relationship?
Me: He’s not marrying her. Another thing, why doesn’t he have a job? Lots of college kids work and do school
Her: Well, working takes away study time.
Me: How about when he’s done studying?
Her: That should be his free time.
Me: Which you know he’ll spend with her.
Her: I’m done talking about this. I’m right and you know it.
Me: Keep thinking that Sweetie.
She needs to get a grip! She is just pushing him towards her. And if she continues to act like a child, then he will ALWAYS be with women she disapproves of. It drives her crazy. She really needs a hobby and therapy.
A girlfriend is NOT a situation! She is a PERSON!
Tattoos don't make you a bad person. What your wife considers skanky clothes may not be. I mean is she dressed like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? Probably not. She's not standing on street corners. She's watching Netflix! She's not smoking crack in your living room. She's not making meth in your kitchen. Your wife needs to wake up and GROW UP! She is supposed to be an adult not a moron.
It may be also best if she does not come over for awhile, but I don't think I'd tell him he can't have her over. I'd simply advise him that it may not be a good idea for now.
By not letting the girlfriend come over, psycho wifey wins. Don't think for one second he won't spend time with Rachel. It will make them closer.
This becomes a VERY fine line on whether or not she accepts her son as well. He is an adult and allowed to make choices. She doesn't have to like them, but they are his choices to make. Rachel may or may not be a mistake. But that is up to him to figure out. She may be the girl or his dreams or she may be the thing made of nightmares. Only time will tell.
No matter who the son dates, psycho mommy will ALWAYS have issues with the women in his life. She doesn't want to be replaced. She has deep issues. I've seen this many times in many families. Rarely does it end well. Mommy needs to get over herself. That's the only way she will ever have a relationship with her son and his spouse and their children. If she can't get over herself, she won't have grandkids later in life and the son will move away.
I'm speaking from experience. I have a psycho mother. I've been married for 17 years to the wrong man according to her. It's worked for me all these years if for no other reason than to spite her. I'm not still married just to p*$$ her off, but it doesn't help when her psycho moods come out.
Rachel’s coming over for dinner tomorrow night. My son is blatantly trying to get under my wife’s skin. She is fuming right now. I might sleep somewhere else and not in my bed, no joke.
By not letting the girlfriend come over, psycho wifey wins. Don't think for one second he won't spend time with Rachel. It will make them closer.
This becomes a VERY fine line on whether or not she accepts her son as well. He is an adult and allowed to make choices. She doesn't have to like them, but they are his choices to make. Rachel may or may not be a mistake. But that is up to him to figure out. She may be the girl or his dreams or she may be the thing made of nightmares. Only time will tell.
No matter who the son dates, psycho mommy will ALWAYS have issues with the women in his life. She doesn't want to be replaced. She has deep issues. I've seen this many times in many families. Rarely does it end well. Mommy needs to get over herself. That's the only way she will ever have a relationship with her son and his spouse and their children. If she can't get over herself, she won't have grandkids later in life and the son will move away.
I'm speaking from experience. I have a psycho mother. I've been married for 17 years to the wrong man according to her. It's worked for me all these years if for no other reason than to spite her. I'm not still married just to p*$$ her off, but it doesn't help when her psycho moods come out.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
My point was that maybe Rachel shouldn't come over for a little while and she should not be a topic of conversation so that the wife does not have the opportunity to b*tch and moan about her or the opportunity to insult her. I said OP should not tell his son that Rachel is not allowed to come over, but that maybe he could advise it as a way to simply get his wife to forget about her. His wife has an unhealthy fixation on Rachel. Not feeding it seems wise. This should not go on for long, because then she will simply be winning, but an immediate cool-down of sorts could be best.
It seems that his wife didn't want the son to attend college, but he simply enrolled in community college and started attending and she got over it and moved on to a different issue. So my thinking is that, if Rachel is temporarily removed from her life and it is made clear she should not have a say, she might go ahead and find something else to fixate on (though we don't know if that will be any better).
Rachel’s coming over for dinner tomorrow night. My son is blatantly trying to get under my wife’s skin. She is fuming right now. I might sleep somewhere else and not in my bed, no joke.
I glanced at the other threads. I have to ask - what is in this for you? Do you enjoy basically being the parent of TWO teenagers?
Rachel’s coming over for dinner tomorrow night. My son is blatantly trying to get under my wife’s skin. She is fuming right now. I might sleep somewhere else and not in my bed, no joke.
Your wife REALLY needs to get a grip! Unless Rachel is going to make meth for dinner, jump on the table and strip, or put the family dog on a spit and roast it on the front yard, dinner will be fine. A highly doubt Rachel will be doing any of the above since you haven't said she does these things.
My point was that maybe Rachel shouldn't come over for a little while and she should not be a topic of conversation so that the wife does not have the opportunity to b*tch and moan about her or the opportunity to insult her. I said OP should not tell his son that Rachel is not allowed to come over, but that maybe he could advise it as a way to simply get his wife to forget about her. His wife has an unhealthy fixation on Rachel. Not feeding it seems wise. This should not go on for long, because then she will simply be winning, but an immediate cool-down of sorts could be best.
It seems that his wife didn't want the son to attend college, but he simply enrolled in community college and started attending and she got over it and moved on to a different issue. So my thinking is that, if Rachel is temporarily removed from her life and it is made clear she should not have a say, she might go ahead and find something else to fixate on (though we don't know if that will be any better).
Psycho mom has serious issues with herself. The guy is 19. Why shouldn't he have a job, girlfriend, and college? All that is perfectly NORMAL for a 19 year old. Psycho mom is ticked off how her life turned out because of her decisions. The son is not her. He clearly has more brains than she does. She acts like a child and throws temper tantrums when she's not getting her way.
Pushing Rachel aside will NOT fix psycho mom. She will fixate on something else he is doing wrong in her eyes. She sounds like she checks his underwear daily and has to make sure they are the proper ones for the right day of the week. He may need her permission to use the toilet or get a drink a of water, too. She's a nut job who IS pushing her son away!
Psycho mom has serious issues with herself. The guy is 19. Why shouldn't he have a job, girlfriend, and college? All that is perfectly NORMAL for a 19 year old. Psycho mom is ticked off how her life turned out because of her decisions. The son is not her. He clearly has more brains than she does. She acts like a child and throws temper tantrums when she's not getting her way.
Pushing Rachel aside will NOT fix psycho mom. She will fixate on something else he is doing wrong in her eyes. She sounds like she checks his underwear daily and has to make sure they are the proper ones for the right day of the week. He may need her permission to use the toilet or get a drink a of water, too. She's a nut job who IS pushing her son away!
In another thread, OP mentions that she runs and locks herself in a room when she is mad and won't come out until he brings her food or gifts. I agree with most of what you've said. I simply feel that not exposing her to Rachel may be best to temporarily cool things down.
I think the wife really needs INDIVIDUAL counseling. Personally, I'd give her an ultimatum and leave if she doesn't attend counseling.
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