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Old 03-12-2014, 06:12 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,067 posts, read 17,389,275 times
Reputation: 41567

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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post

Why would a grown man want to be with a high schooler? Is it because they can always be the more mature partner? Is it because they only want "arm candy" and not a "real woman" in life? Is it because they want to always "be the boss" and not have a partnership with their girl friend/wife? These are the types of questions that people wonder about the men in their 20s and 30s who have relationships with young teenagers in my town.

Irishfan, I do not mean any disrespect but these are the same questions that I sometimes wonder about you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
You do realize she's not actually in high school right? Now if I were 37 and she were 16, then yeah, call the boys in blue, but we are the same age. I think her being spoiled by her parents and then enabled by me, she never grew out of being in high school.
Of course, I realize that your wife is not an actual high school girl but I still wonder why a mature adult male would want to be with a woman who hasn't matured beyond her high school years.

There may be very reasonable reasons, such as not deserting a life partner who is now disabled because of accident or injury (such as brain damage due to a car accident). But, I doubt if that is your reason.

Or perhaps, she really isn't as immature as you have stated. Your threads on C-D are certainly good reading and in the last thread people were starting to question if you were making everything up.

Or perhaps, you feel guilty for not encouraging her to grow and mature to be an adult by enabling and reinforcing her immature behavior throughout the last 20 years.

Or perhaps, even as a teenager you desired someone who acted younger and less mature than you and she met those needs. And now as an adult you still desire someone who is less mature than you.

Or perhaps, any number of reasons.

 
Old 03-12-2014, 06:27 AM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,115,141 times
Reputation: 32406
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
You do realize she's not actually in high school right? Now if I were 37 and she were 16, then yeah, call the boys in blue, but we are the same age. I think her being spoiled by her parents and then enabled by me, she never grew out of being in high school.
when will you hold her responsible for her own actions?
 
Old 03-12-2014, 07:23 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,418 posts, read 41,942,096 times
Reputation: 83406
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
when will you hold her responsible for her own actions?
I'm betting never because it would cause him a level of discomfort that so far he has worked hard to avoid.

Think about it...He met a girl who, in a couple of ways, he probably felt was kind of out of his league. She got pregnant in HS, yet HE was allowed to go on with his post-graduation plans and attend college. So he never suffered the difficult consequence of having to table a Notre Dame education, work full-time, move in to their own place with his new teen wife and baby, and go to night school like so many who this happens to.

SO as far as Irish is concerned, his comfort zone should be maintained at all costs
, even at the cost of his and his son's mental and emotional health.

He has been able to continue this pattern all these years by providing a nice income (which makes it easier to hide a LOT of pain), and while his wife obviously has a ton of resentment about her own circumstances and deep-rooted narcissistic tendencies, he keeps that buried by placating her unbearable behavior in materialistic ways.

So much denial going on.
 
Old 03-12-2014, 08:37 AM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 741,685 times
Reputation: 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Of course, I realize that your wife is not an actual high school girl but I still wonder why a mature adult male would want to be with a woman who hasn't matured beyond her high school years.

There may be very reasonable reasons, such as not deserting a life partner who is now disabled because of accident or injury (such as brain damage due to a car accident). But, I doubt if that is your reason.

Or perhaps, she really isn't as immature as you have stated. Your threads on C-D are certainly good reading and in the last thread people were starting to question if you were making everything up.

Or perhaps, you feel guilty for not encouraging her to grow and mature to be an adult by enabling and reinforcing her immature behavior throughout the last 20 years.

Or perhaps, even as a teenager you desired someone who acted younger and less mature than you and she met those needs. And now as an adult you still desire someone who is less mature than you.

Or perhaps, any number of reasons.
Yeah, 23 years ago we dated because we saw things in each other we liked. I liked how spontaneous and fun she was and she liked how organized and calm I was. 23 years later, we're just together because we're married. I do feel a bit guilty that I had a hand in her immaturity.
 
Old 03-12-2014, 08:43 AM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 741,685 times
Reputation: 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
Think about it...He met a girl who, in a couple of ways, he probably felt was kind of out of his league. She got pregnant in HS, yet HE was allowed to go on with his post-graduation plans and attend college. So he never suffered the difficult consequence of having to table a Notre Dame education, work full-time, move in to their own place with his new teen wife and baby, and go to night school like so many who this happens to.

SO as far as Irish is concerned, his comfort zone should be maintained at all costs
, even at the cost of his and his son's mental and emotional health.

He has been able to continue this pattern all these years by providing a nice income (which makes it easier to hide a LOT of pain), and while his wife obviously has a ton of resentment about her own circumstances and deep-rooted narcissistic tendencies, he keeps that buried by placating her unbearable behavior in materialistic ways.

So much denial going on.
Yes, I did think to myself at the time " She's hot you're not. How did I pull this off?" That passed. I was ready and willing to give up ND, but she insisted. Going to therapy was out of my comfort zone, both therapy for the marriage AND the therapy I went to with him. I do admit to trying to keep her happy with lots of shopping and trips and whatnot.
 
Old 03-12-2014, 09:17 AM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 14,223,843 times
Reputation: 4563
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
Yeah, 23 years ago we dated because we saw things in each other we liked. I liked how spontaneous and fun she was and she liked how organized and calm I was. 23 years later, we're just together because we're married. I do feel a bit guilty that I had a hand in her immaturity.
You're just together because you're married. That's not a good enough reason really IMO. Plenty of people stay married just because and it's certainly none of my business, but I'd seriously advise you to really think about what you said.

OTOH, I do think some posters are being a bit harsh and over-analytical.
 
Old 03-14-2014, 10:04 AM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 741,685 times
Reputation: 343
Took your guys’ advice and it felt good, which I feel awful saying it felt good telling off my wife of almost 20 years, but it did. So Rachel was over and my wife started seething about how she’s with him and using him. She kept waiting for me to agree, I shrugged and walked away, she started following me.

Her: Hey, its really rude walking away and giving the silent treatment to me, I’m trying to have a conversation.
Me: *silent*
Her: You’re being rude.
Me: * silent*
Her: You’re such an a-hole.
Me: I’ll keep that in mind next time you want to go run around Michigan Avenue with my credit cards or you see jewelry you just have to have. If I’m such an a-hole why do I put up the money for your vacations and your BMW? I don’t think an a-hole would let his wife loose shopping and give her no limits on spending like a lot of husbands do. How about this nice house? The fact you get to do nothing all day, which needs to be changed.
Her: stop, now you’re being materialistic. I cook for you guys( mainly mostacholi, spaghetti, and fish. Those 3 make up 85% of what she cooks). You’re welcome.
Me: Can I go lock myself in the bedroom or did you patent that?
Her: Ugh, jerk. I’m going to keep this in mind next time you want to…( IDK how far C-D will let me go, so I’ll just stop here and hope you catch my drift)
Me: Just admit you have a nice life and for whatever reason you’re hung up on some teenage girl.
Her: My life was actually very hard, I was a single teenage mom.
Me: But I sent money to help out and was as involved as I could be. You sound really spoiled right now.
Her: If you’re going to be mean just keep it to yourself( oh the irony)

We slept in different rooms. I think I handled myself well.
 
Old 03-14-2014, 10:50 AM
 
5,413 posts, read 5,147,881 times
Reputation: 9351
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
Took your guysí advice and it felt good, which I feel awful saying it felt good telling off my wife of almost 20 years, but it did. So Rachel was over and my wife started seething about how sheís with him and using him. She kept waiting for me to agree, I shrugged and walked away, she started following me.

Her: Hey, its really rude walking away and giving the silent treatment to me, Iím trying to have a conversation.
Me: *silent*
Her: Youíre being rude.
Me: * silent*
Her: Youíre such an a-hole.
Me: Iíll keep that in mind next time you want to go run around Michigan Avenue with my credit cards or you see jewelry you just have to have. If Iím such an a-hole why do I put up the money for your vacations and your BMW? I donít think an a-hole would let his wife loose shopping and give her no limits on spending like a lot of husbands do. How about this nice house? The fact you get to do nothing all day, which needs to be changed.
Her: stop, now youíre being materialistic. I cook for you guys( mainly mostacholi, spaghetti, and fish. Those 3 make up 85% of what she cooks). Youíre welcome.
Me: Can I go lock myself in the bedroom or did you patent that?
Her: Ugh, jerk. Iím going to keep this in mind next time you want toÖ( IDK how far C-D will let me go, so Iíll just stop here and hope you catch my drift)
Me: Just admit you have a nice life and for whatever reason youíre hung up on some teenage girl.
Her: My life was actually very hard, I was a single teenage mom.
Me: But I sent money to help out and was as involved as I could be. You sound really spoiled right now.
Her: If youíre going to be mean just keep it to yourself( oh the irony)

We slept in different rooms. I think I handled myself well.
Well....it's a start. (Oh, and her life probably was a bit hard when you were at school....but remind her that was 20 years ago...and she's comfortable now so she can get over that as well).

You two still need therapy. Now make the appointment....tell her the time and place. If she doesn't show...she doesn't show...but it will help you.
 
Old 03-14-2014, 11:09 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,588,589 times
Reputation: 39866
Wow, just noticed that this thread is still going

Some people just love their "life drama" - it gives them identity, sadly.
 
Old 03-14-2014, 11:53 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,418 posts, read 41,942,096 times
Reputation: 83406
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
I think I handled myself well.
Um ... no, you did not.


You need to understand that disengaging from her does NOT mean you should engage in immature behavior yourself, like the silent treatment. All you did was provoke her by ignoring her.There is a big difference in what you did and NOT allowing yourself to remain a captive audience for another complaint fest.

Next time, don't ignore. Just say, "I don't want to hear your complaints about it anymore. It's not healthy." Then start a new conversation. The rest of that stuff was pretty uncalled for, actually. Not fair fighting at all.

Also, I comment on your situations as if they are real, but honestly all your "dialogues" always sound completely fictional. Is this a hobby for you??
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