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Old 03-17-2014, 09:39 AM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
21,843 posts, read 23,069,424 times
Reputation: 37207

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Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
I want it improved
Then you need to focus on what you can do - not what you wish she would do. You can't control her behavior. You can control what you are willing to participate in and/or put up with. You can choose to behave like an adult and choose to be in an adult relationship.

But you must be willing to accept the risks. Thus far, you have not chosen to risk short term unhappiness or loneliness, for the possibility of finding long term happiness (with or without your wife).

My grandfather used to say you can't steal second base and keep your foot on first. That is what you are trying to do. Ain't. Gonna. Work.

 
Old 03-17-2014, 02:07 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 5,111,718 times
Reputation: 9351
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
Knowing her, the $300 will be manicures, pedicures, luxury stuff. I'll own up and admit I left counseling too early as well.
Then find a therapist and go back. Set an example. And lower that 'allowance' by at least half if she's not paying for anything needed and simply her wants.
 
Old 03-17-2014, 04:22 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,882 posts, read 17,196,676 times
Reputation: 40776
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
Knowing her, the $300 will be manicures, pedicures, luxury stuff. I'll own up and admit I left counseling too early as well.
Just out of curiosity, you are the breadwinner with the full time job so I assume that you need to be always well dressed and "put together".

Do you spend $300 a week on manicures, pedicures and "luxury stuff"?

Your wife is a SAHM (to a college student- she doesn't even see other moms at school in the car pool lane because she doesn't drop him off at school) does she really need to spend $300 a week on mani/pedis & "luxury stuff"? Sheesh

Last edited by germaine2626; 03-17-2014 at 04:33 PM..
 
Old 03-17-2014, 07:03 PM
 
7,358 posts, read 13,175,744 times
Reputation: 8916
Hmm... so you don't do therapy for yourself, even though you really need it. *le sigh* It's like seeing a mental patient... that just stops taking their pills because they think they're "cured"... only to be sucked into that tailspin cycle.

Honestly... I don't get the idea of you giving your wife an allowance. And what exactly is it supposed to accomplished? How exactly are you going to enforce this, given your inability to lay down the law? Forcibly take her credit cards and cut it up (or in your case, you're most likely to call the company and canceling)? Dole $300 cash weekly? It seems to me that it's simply another case of somebody giving you an idea of one-upping your wife and fueling the drama. It also is a coercion, forcing your wife to be all nice and sweet to you (which is what you want and love most of all) just so she can get what she wants.

Last edited by Inkpoe; 03-17-2014 at 07:14 PM..
 
Old 03-17-2014, 10:29 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,704,361 times
Reputation: 20540
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
If Rachel's here and my wife is hear, that's all she'll talk about is how much she disapproves. If I take her out, Rachel is the last thing on her mind.
So she throws a temper tantrum and you reward her? No wonder her crappy behavior continues!
 
Old 03-17-2014, 11:55 PM
 
Location: Maryland
158 posts, read 185,601 times
Reputation: 196
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
When I was buying her the stuff in the beginning, like right when I started my career, I wanted to do it. I WANTED to buy her a house, WANTED to buy her a car, WANTED to give her a credit card and let her loose in Nordstrom, because I was so happy with my life and I wanted to give her everything.
That's exactly what parents say about their spoiled child or pampered pet. You two have a parent-child relationship that will take a ton of work, and counseling, to ever change. No one is happy being treated like a child and no one is happy being forced to parent his spouse. It's not a good relationship for anyone. Who wants to jump into bed with Daddy? Or a child? It just doesn't work. Of course she's not happy, no one wants to be treated like a child or a pampered pet.
 
Old 03-17-2014, 11:57 PM
 
Location: Maryland
158 posts, read 185,601 times
Reputation: 196
A weekly allowance? Once again, acting like her Daddy.
 
Old 03-18-2014, 12:01 AM
 
Location: Maryland
158 posts, read 185,601 times
Reputation: 196
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
Took your guysí advice and it felt good, which I feel awful saying it felt good telling off my wife of almost 20 years, but it did. So Rachel was over and my wife started seething about how sheís with him and using him. She kept waiting for me to agree, I shrugged and walked away, she started following me.

Her: Hey, its really rude walking away and giving the silent treatment to me, Iím trying to have a conversation.
Me: *silent*
Her: Youíre being rude.
Me: * silent*
Her: Youíre such an a-hole.
Me: Iíll keep that in mind next time you want to go run around Michigan Avenue with my credit cards or you see jewelry you just have to have. If Iím such an a-hole why do I put up the money for your vacations and your BMW? I donít think an a-hole would let his wife loose shopping and give her no limits on spending like a lot of husbands do. How about this nice house? The fact you get to do nothing all day, which needs to be changed.
Her: stop, now youíre being materialistic. I cook for you guys( mainly mostacholi, spaghetti, and fish. Those 3 make up 85% of what she cooks). Youíre welcome.
Me: Can I go lock myself in the bedroom or did you patent that?
Her: Ugh, jerk. Iím going to keep this in mind next time you want toÖ( IDK how far C-D will let me go, so Iíll just stop here and hope you catch my drift)
Me: Just admit you have a nice life and for whatever reason youíre hung up on some teenage girl.
Her: My life was actually very hard, I was a single teenage mom.
Me: But I sent money to help out and was as involved as I could be. You sound really spoiled right now.
Her: If youíre going to be mean just keep it to yourself( oh the irony)

We slept in different rooms. I think I handled myself well.
I think you completely changed the subject and never addressed her concerns.
 
Old 03-18-2014, 12:31 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,704,361 times
Reputation: 20540
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post

There may be very reasonable reasons, such as not deserting a life partner who is now disabled because of accident or injury (such as brain damage due to a car accident). But, I doubt if that is your reason.
Seems like both of them have some sort of brain damage. It's like being stuck in the movie Groundhog Day with the two of them.
 
Old 03-18-2014, 12:38 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,704,361 times
Reputation: 20540
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
But even more jerks, at least one's I've encountered, keep their money to themselves and have the attitude of " I make the money, it's all mine, take this 20 and leave me alone" A guy I work with is like that, he's a good guy and we've double dated, but there's, and maybe it's because my wife is spoiled, something up when he drives a brand new Benz( buys a new one every year it seems,) and his wife is bought a 2002 GMC Envoy.
Don't be so quick to judge! How do you know she didn't want a 2002 Envoy? There's a few vehicles out there I would take used because they aren't made anymore or they have revamped them and turned them to crap. And that wife might be perfectly happy with a 2002 Envoy. Might be what she wanted!
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