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Old 03-21-2014, 04:49 PM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 740,974 times
Reputation: 343

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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356 View Post
And how did it go?
I think it went well, we put everything out on the table. We're both far from perfect and I acknowledged by flaws. It was a dogfight convincing her to go before she started with " I'm not the bad guy and I'm not some trophy to be paraded around." talk, but she went and seemed to be listening to what he was saying. He thinks if we set aside a little time every day for just us to talk, could do wonders.

 
Old 03-21-2014, 05:14 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,080,338 times
Reputation: 32401
I'm glad you both went.
 
Old 03-21-2014, 05:22 PM
 
Location: Dallas
5,601 posts, read 4,933,024 times
Reputation: 16459
Good luck with the counseling. Whatever you do, don't let her make excuses not to go once deeper issues start to come up. You both will (like everyone else) have to face some unpleasant revelations about yourselves and there will be hard work involved to overcome some behaviors that are contributing to the unhappiness in your marriage.

If I recall, last time your wife attended a few counseling sessions, she then convinced you that they weren't needed by acting all lovey-dovey for a while. If she starts that again, simply tell her you are glad the counseling is working well since she is being affectionate and you are getting along. She is very good at manipulating you, so be on guard.
 
Old 03-21-2014, 06:09 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,025 posts, read 17,342,168 times
Reputation: 41321
Quote:
Originally Posted by aquietpath View Post
Good luck with the counseling. Whatever you do, don't let her make excuses not to go once deeper issues start to come up. You both will (like everyone else) have to face some unpleasant revelations about yourselves and there will be hard work involved to overcome some behaviors that are contributing to the unhappiness in your marriage.

If I recall, last time your wife attended a few counseling sessions, she then convinced you that they weren't needed by acting all lovey-dovey for a while. If she starts that again, simply tell her you are glad the counseling is working well since she is being affectionate and you are getting along. She is very good at manipulating you, so be on guard.
Excellent points.

You can't expect that 20 plus years of patterns of behavior can be corrected in just a few therapy sessions. It would be similar to someone being 100 pounds overweight expecting to lose all of their excess weight in a month. It takes determination, hard work and adequate time to make positive long term changes.

Good luck.
 
Old 03-22-2014, 10:30 PM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 740,974 times
Reputation: 343
Yeah, I'm sure I'll have a few days of " just because" hugs and kisses on the cheek. I just want there to be love between us and nothing else.
The doc basically told us 2 major things

1) just talk daily about what we're feeling that day no matter if its marriage related or not, just listen to the SO.
2) When we do feel a fight coming on, rather than yelling and swearing, just calm down and talk rationally.
 
Old 03-23-2014, 05:56 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,204 posts, read 41,812,025 times
Reputation: 82987
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
Yeah, I'm sure I'll have a few days of " just because" hugs and kisses on the cheek. I just want there to be love between us and nothing else.
The doc basically told us 2 major things

1) just talk daily about what we're feeling that day no matter if its marriage related or not, just listen to the SO.
2) When we do feel a fight coming on, rather than yelling and swearing, just calm down and talk rationally.
Hmmm. That doesn't sound very helpful. Usually therapists spend most of the first session listening and getting a sense of your history and issues.

Did he offer suggestions for HOW to "talk rationally"? I mean, anyone could tell a couple in distress to "calm down and talk rationally." Part of the problem is that you two don't even know what that means.
 
Old 03-23-2014, 06:07 AM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 740,974 times
Reputation: 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
Hmmm. That doesn't sound very helpful. Usually therapists spend most of the first session listening and getting a sense of your history and issues.

Did he offer suggestions for HOW to "talk rationally"? I mean, anyone could tell a couple in distress to "calm down and talk rationally." Part of the problem is that you two don't even know what that means.

It was a long session. We did talk history and issues but we moved into suggestions. Talk rationally. He just told us to simply, when we feel angry towards one another to just take a step back, collect ourselves then say what we need to say.
 
Old 03-23-2014, 07:46 AM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
6,534 posts, read 7,798,922 times
Reputation: 15966
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
Yeah, I'm sure I'll have a few days of " just because" hugs and kisses on the cheek. I just want there to be love between us and nothing else.
The doc basically told us 2 major things

1) just talk daily about what we're feeling that day no matter if its marriage related or not, just listen to the SO.
2) When we do feel a fight coming on, rather than yelling and swearing, just calm down and talk rationally.
irishfan77-What you want, "love between us and nothing else," is immature and unrealistic. You sound like a 10 year old girl that thinks marriage is all about a prince charming and happily ever after. Happy marriages are not necessarily conflict-free. There is a large percentage of things couples will never agree about--roughly 1/3. The difference between successful marriages and others is that couples in happy marriages maintain a balance of 5 positive moments for every one negative moment.

I'm not just pulling this stuff up out of no where. John Gottman has studied this stuff for decades. I would strongly encourage you to read a couple of his books or visit his website. Understanding some of this stuff has gotten my marriage through some extremely difficult times and helped us develop a better marriage. You and your wife need to put those immature ideas of marriage behind you.

Personally I think taking the time to talk with and listen to your spouse everyday is a good idea. Make it part of your daily routine-schedule it if necessary. I probably suggested this to you months ago. It's one way to create a positive moment.

As for the yelling and swearing, if that's unacceptable to both of you, than change it. Yelling and swearing alone is not inherently bad for a marriage if there are more positive moments. Only you and your wife can figure that out.
 
Old 03-23-2014, 09:03 AM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 740,974 times
Reputation: 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
irishfan77-What you want, "love between us and nothing else," is immature and unrealistic. You sound like a 10 year old girl that thinks marriage is all about a prince charming and happily ever after. Happy marriages are not necessarily conflict-free. There is a large percentage of things couples will never agree about--roughly 1/3. The difference between successful marriages and others is that couples in happy marriages maintain a balance of 5 positive moments for every one negative moment.

I'm not just pulling this stuff up out of no where. John Gottman has studied this stuff for decades. I would strongly encourage you to read a couple of his books or visit his website. Understanding some of this stuff has gotten my marriage through some extremely difficult times and helped us develop a better marriage. You and your wife need to put those immature ideas of marriage behind you.

Personally I think taking the time to talk with and listen to your spouse everyday is a good idea. Make it part of your daily routine-schedule it if necessary. I probably suggested this to you months ago. It's one way to create a positive moment.

As for the yelling and swearing, if that's unacceptable to both of you, than change it. Yelling and swearing alone is not inherently bad for a marriage if there are more positive moments. Only you and your wife can figure that out.
Maybe I had a poor choice of words but I meant like I want " I love you" to be the phrase most used between us rather than " you know what (explitive) you "
 
Old 03-23-2014, 09:23 AM
 
6,475 posts, read 9,926,451 times
Reputation: 10919
Irish, what was your wife's reaction to the therapy visit and advice?
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