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Old 03-25-2014, 10:06 AM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 739,483 times
Reputation: 343

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Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post

What do you keep trying to bring up the past?
Because, I believe that's where her anger started, or else something else triggered it.

 
Old 03-25-2014, 10:07 AM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 739,483 times
Reputation: 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok View Post
Well, this could mean one of two things:

1) She had some kind of realization that she couldn't handle so she disconnected.

2) She disconnected because she didn't want to be there and was annoyed by the whole thing, like a bratty teenager.

I hate to say it, but I'd guess the latter was the case based on what you've said.

Keep us posted.
99.9% sure it was 2),
 
Old 03-25-2014, 10:10 AM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 739,483 times
Reputation: 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok View Post
And she still wants to do that now, in a way, by having him not go to college, not get a job, just "enjoy life," etc. (I know she hasn't gotten her way.)

As far as Rachel, your wife is probably so fixated on making your son happy that she sees Rachel as a threat. Really, it's not that unusual for a mom to see her son's GF as a threat or a dad to see his daughter's BF as a threat and I think it's just human nature. But most parents don't show it the way your wife has/is. Most resist that urge. Maybe your wife doesn't because it's much stronger for her.
If she had it her way, he'd be 35 never had a job, no college, and he'd just relax with her all day. Thank God his head is on straight.
 
Old 03-25-2014, 10:15 AM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,985 posts, read 14,638,446 times
Reputation: 14868
I feel badly for your son. It sounds like he never really had a mother - more like an over-grown playmate that could reach the cookie jar.

Maybe that's why she resents the girlfriends - it's a sign he is growing up and will eventually leave. Who will she play with?
 
Old 03-25-2014, 11:00 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,804 posts, read 41,516,080 times
Reputation: 82294
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
I'd like to talk about senior yr of high school next Monday. Here's my theory. As the pregnancy got later and become more noticeable, she must've felt very judged by others everywhere she went( even though the high school kids seemed cool with it, then again I wasn't with her all the time in school). This constant anxiety must've turned to anger so she poured out all her anger on the source responsible for her pregnancy: me. Of course, that was 19 years ago, I hope someone wouldn't hang onto harsh feelings for 19 years. Then, when he was a toddler, she must've buried these feelings by making him happy in an " Seeing my son happy, makes me happy" complex. Why else would a parent do what she did for 5 years? Don't get me wrong he was a good boy, but then it was very odd, she never put him in time out and for a solid week he ate only cake and chicken fingers. Maybe in his mind it wasn't " I better stop making Mommy mad I'll be punished" it was " I better stop, my friend looks annoyed."
You wonder why she would hold onto her anger for 20 years, yet you have obviously not gotten past the week of cake and chicken fingers.

She was a CHILD trying to raise a child on her own.

Keep those Monday appointments because you two will need a couple of months to get through that senior year with your therapist.
 
Old 03-25-2014, 12:37 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,013,065 times
Reputation: 32388
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
Although others may disagree, short answers and quiet don't mean any one thing. I know when I try to process and listen closely to something, I become quiet. I'm thinking.

What do you keep trying to bring up the past? You went through the whole high school thing last year. If you can't get over it, your wife never will. I do have one theory though--every time you mention she was pregnant in high school, you mention that "she must have felt judged' and then you state the HS kids were cool with it. Look inside yourself. I think YOU were the one judging her. It's called projection.

This is at least the second time you've mentioned the chicken fingers and cake story. Again, you are judging her parenting while you were away at school.
I think it is necessary that they discuss the past in therapy. I think it is the root of their problems, and they will never move past without discussing it.

I think it is interesting that he says she must have felt judged... doesn't he know? Didn't he ever ask? Didn't she ever say so? Why is he guessing this?


Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok View Post
Frankly, I think this needs to be addressed some more. There probably is some legitimate resentment there.

Why couldn't OP have gone to school locally? I know it wouldn't have been at Notre Dame but, when you have a kid, you have to make different choices than you would if you didn't. And didn't he mention that it was only three hours away but he only saw them once a month? Even if he was going to go off to college, he could've come back every weekend if it was only three hours away. She probably feels abandoned. She does need to work through it and it was a long time ago, but it should still be addressed. Irish, why don't you talk to her more about that and acknowledge that it was probably a hard time for her?
She should have gone with him or he should have stayed. they did this pseudo family thing for several years. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time but i think it caused a lot of problems.
 
Old 03-25-2014, 06:34 PM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 739,483 times
Reputation: 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
You wonder why she would hold onto her anger for 20 years, yet you have obviously not gotten past the week of cake and chicken fingers.


Keep those Monday appointments because you two will need a couple of months to get through that senior year with your therapist.
I don't bring that week up to her constantly, just the initial " what the " heck" are you doing"? response. If your SO did this how would you react ?
 
Old 03-25-2014, 06:38 PM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 739,483 times
Reputation: 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheryjohns View Post
I feel badly for your son. It sounds like he never really had a mother - more like an over-grown playmate that could reach the cookie jar.

Maybe that's why she resents the girlfriends - it's a sign he is growing up and will eventually leave. Who will she play with?
He always seemed happy around her. Never sad or angry
 
Old 03-25-2014, 06:40 PM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 739,483 times
Reputation: 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
I think it is necessary that they discuss the past in therapy. I think it is the root of their problems, and they will never move past without discussing it.

I think it is interesting that he says she must have felt judged... doesn't he know? Didn't he ever ask? Didn't she ever say so? Why is he guessing this?




She should have gone with him or he should have stayed. they did this pseudo family thing for several years. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time but i think it caused a lot of problems.
They had married housing, but she wanted to be near her parents
 
Old 03-25-2014, 08:49 PM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 14,189,805 times
Reputation: 4563
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
They had married housing, but she wanted to be near her parents
But you didn't even go back very often. Didn't you say you only saw them once a month or so? You wanted to fully have the college lifestyle. It was a three-hour drive. You could have been there every weekend even with this arrangement. You basically abandoned them.

Yes, this sounds harsh and it doesn't excuse her current juvenile behavior, but it's the truth.
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