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Old 03-25-2014, 10:03 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,988 posts, read 14,667,831 times
Reputation: 14876

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Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
He always seemed happy around her. Never sad or angry
Of course he does. She's his playmate - not necessarily his mother.

 
Old 03-25-2014, 10:19 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,080,338 times
Reputation: 32401
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
They had married housing, but she wanted to be near her parents
I know that, but in hindsight, it was a mistake on both your parts for not figuring out a way to live in the same place and raise your kid together. It created a lot of resentment that you both still carry.

ETA in a way, I see this like she did her part by telling you to go, but you didn't do your part by staying. Maybe she wanted you to stay but didn't feel right making that decision for you.

Last edited by Kibbiekat; 03-25-2014 at 10:28 PM..
 
Old 03-25-2014, 11:43 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 5,138,247 times
Reputation: 9351
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
I know that, but in hindsight, it was a mistake on both your parts for not figuring out a way to live in the same place and raise your kid together. It created a lot of resentment that you both still carry.

ETA in a way, I see this like she did her part by telling you to go, but you didn't do your part by staying. Maybe she wanted you to stay but didn't feel right making that decision for you.
And on another way I see that she didn't do anything by refusing to break away from her parents and continuing to be infantile...and he did his part by getting an education to allow her to be a spoiled brat that has never had to grow up. If you old enough to have consensual sex...you are old enough to leave mommy and daddy.

It easily goes both ways.....but really...if you've never had a job...and work to keep your kids from having real experiences....yeah...my sympathy goes out the freaking window.
 
Old 03-26-2014, 06:25 AM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,080,338 times
Reputation: 32401
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
And on another way I see that she didn't do anything by refusing to break away from her parents and continuing to be infantile...and he did his part by getting an education to allow her to be a spoiled brat that has never had to grow up. If you old enough to have consensual sex...you are old enough to leave mommy and daddy.

It easily goes both ways.....but really...if you've never had a job...and work to keep your kids from having real experiences....yeah...my sympathy goes out the freaking window.
Absolutely.
 
Old 03-26-2014, 09:13 AM
 
Location: Dallas
5,601 posts, read 4,931,911 times
Reputation: 16459
I've said it before and it bears repeating......in counseling you both need to deal with this whole teen pregnancy issue once and for all, then put it behind you. It honestly should have been relegated to the category of "if I had to do it all over again I'd do it differently, but since it happened, I'll accept and adapt accordingly." a long time ago. If your wife is still holding a grudge because you "got" her pregnant, 19 years is a long time to be harboring ill feelings and resentment.

Whatever she missed out on, it seems her life is pretty nice right now. If she felt cheated out of a career, there is still plenty of time to pursue it since she is still young, doesn't need to work and money doesn't seem to be an issue. If it is partying that she felt cheated out of, she needs to look at it in a more mature way and realize she didn't miss out on much. She has a husband who obviously loves her and is willing to do the work to make the relationship better. She needs to count her blessings!

Once the past has been dissected and dealt with, you both need to figure out what your roles and relationship will be moving forward, especially since your son will be leaving the nest in a few years.
 
Old 03-26-2014, 09:33 AM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 740,863 times
Reputation: 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok View Post
But you didn't even go back very often. Didn't you say you only saw them once a month or so? You wanted to fully have the college lifestyle. It was a three-hour drive. You could have been there every weekend even with this arrangement. You basically abandoned them.

Yes, this sounds harsh and it doesn't excuse her current juvenile behavior, but it's the truth.
I was working a job, going to class, and studying. Yes I saw them not as much as I would've liked, but I talked with them on the phone almost daily. If they had had FaceTime or Skype back in those days, I would've Skyped them nightly.
 
Old 03-26-2014, 09:41 AM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 740,863 times
Reputation: 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheryjohns View Post
Of course he does. She's his playmate - not necessarily his mother.
It was so odd to see those two. She really had no rules for him, but he didn't run wild. Most kids without rules, you know, you tell them it's bedtime and they freak out. When they would come sleep in the dorm she would just say " Ok, put on your jammies" and he'd do it. " Ok, it's bedtime" No fuss no nothing. Like I said though in his mind, he probably didn't fight back because he saw her as a friend and no one likes to make friends mad.
 
Old 03-26-2014, 11:07 AM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 14,210,453 times
Reputation: 4563
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
I know that, but in hindsight, it was a mistake on both your parts for not figuring out a way to live in the same place and raise your kid together. It created a lot of resentment that you both still carry.

ETA in a way, I see this like she did her part by telling you to go, but you didn't do your part by staying. Maybe she wanted you to stay but didn't feel right making that decision for you.
There's also the possibility that her parents didn't like OP for some reason and they were really pushing for the arrangement, hoping he would just go away.
 
Old 03-26-2014, 11:15 AM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 14,210,453 times
Reputation: 4563
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
And on another way I see that she didn't do anything by refusing to break away from her parents and continuing to be infantile...and he did his part by getting an education to allow her to be a spoiled brat that has never had to grow up. If you old enough to have consensual sex...you are old enough to leave mommy and daddy.

It easily goes both ways.....but really...if you've never had a job...and work to keep your kids from having real experiences....yeah...my sympathy goes out the freaking window.
I think this is too harsh. Teenage parenting rarely turns out well without significant help from one or both sets of grandparents. I certainly would be strongly against my teenage kid moving to a different city with a child. However, the teens themselves should be primarily responsible and it seems that Irish was less involved than his wife's parents.

His parents enabled the situation as well as they paid for his college. I would only help my kid with a child attend a local college. Perhaps they wanted him to not have the kid in his life as they thought he would hinder his success.

The other issue is that teen marriages very rarely work out long-term, even when the marriage due to having a child. I do congratulate OP and his wife on making it work, even if it's not really working, this long. But I'd also suggest that OP ask if he'd like his son to decide, right now, who he's going to marry. I assume the answer would be no and I think he should consider why.
 
Old 03-26-2014, 03:22 PM
 
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 740,863 times
Reputation: 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok View Post
There's also the possibility that her parents didn't like OP for some reason and they were really pushing for the arrangement, hoping he would just go away.
Well they weren't too high on me for a little while you know the whole, I got your daughter pregnant, thing wasn't a joyous thing for them I imagine.
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