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Last night he and I were talking and it came full circle to talking about his mom. I told him that she just wants to be a bigger part in his life, ideally the only female in his life, but we both agreed that wouldn’t happen. My suggestion was that one of three things happen. Either
1) She and him go to lunch or dinner and really talk about their relationship( maybe share some fond memories although most of our problems stem from dwelling in the past) and his relationship with Rachel.
2) She, Rachel, and him go to lunch or dinner and talk things out
3) ( and this is my least advisable) Just Rachel and my wife go to dinner or lunch and really talk about things.
#3 would just be asking for trouble and I’d like to have him there.
Most mothers are pleased and happy when their children grow up, yes, they may be a little sad, too, but most are mainly proud that they raised a child to become a competent adult. Irish, do you realize how crazy it is for your wife to want a "be a bigger part in his (her son's) life, ideally the only female in his life" just as he is starting to become an independent adult?
I agree with the other posters that Rachel should not get involved in any of those discussions that DS has with Mom. If it wasn't Rachel, I suspect that Mom would be unhappy with any girl that he dates or with college officials if DS moved away to college or with DS's boss if accepted a job in a different city or with the apartment manager for renting him his own apartment. Would you be encouraging your wife to take the college officials or your son's boss or the apartment manager out to lunch or dinner to "talk things out"? I really doubt it.
Now, if he and Rachel were engaged to be married, then of course, your wife would need to learn to have a good relationship with her but Rachel is probably just the first in a long line of girl friends/people/activities/school/jobs that will come between Mom & son.
Perhaps your son & your wife could have a good talk, where he thanks her for helping to raise him into being the fine, young man that he is becoming. But, he also needs to remind her that she raised (notice the past tense) him well and although she will always be his mom he needs to start doing more things on his own to show her what a good job she did. Of course, parents should be supportive of their adult children, too but he needs to "spread his wings" as he will soon be "flying off".
Frankly, if Mom doesn't start loosening the apron strings soon your son may end up becoming one of those mama's boys who is afraid to go away to college or move into their own apartment or accept a job in another city or get married because it may displease Mom. Irish, do you want that to happen?
Frankly, if Mom doesn't start loosening the apron strings soon your son may end up becoming one of those mama's boys who is afraid to go away to college or move into their own apartment or accept a job in another city or get married because it may displease Mom. Irish, do you want that to happen?
She actually might like that. More to her dismay, the alternative will be that her son severely limits contact with his mother, because he knows it's detrimental to his life with a wife.
What I find most disturbing isn't her jealousy of Rachel (and, yes, that's what it is), but that she didn't want him to either go to college or get a job. I mean...most parents wouldn't allow their 18/19 year old to just sit around the house doing nothing all day, much less encourage it and throw tantrums about the possibility of them actually doing something with their life.
What I find most disturbing isn't her jealousy of Rachel (and, yes, that's what it is), but that she didn't want him to either go to college or get a job. I mean...most parents wouldn't allow their 18/19 year old to just sit around the house doing nothing all day, much less encourage it and throw tantrums about the possibility of them actually doing something with their life.
I had forgotten about that. Really unusual behavior for a parent.
Irish, did you ever share how your wife responded to your son's HS activities?
Did she allow him to date, go to parties, go to the prom and things like that? Was he allowed to participate in sports or after school extracurricular activities? Or were evenings and weekends reserved for "Mom and Son" or family activities?
Most mothers are pleased and happy when their children grow up, yes, they may be a little sad, too, but most are mainly proud that they raised a child to become a competent adult. Irish, do you realize how crazy it is for your wife to want a "be a bigger part in his (her son's) life, ideally the only female in his life" just as he is starting to become an independent adult?
I agree with the other posters that Rachel should not get involved in any of those discussions that DS has with Mom. If it wasn't Rachel, I suspect that Mom would be unhappy with any girl that he dates or with college officials if DS moved away to college or with DS's boss if accepted a job in a different city or with the apartment manager for renting him his own apartment. Would you be encouraging your wife to take the college officials or your son's boss or the apartment manager out to lunch or dinner to "talk things out"? I really doubt it.
Now, if he and Rachel were engaged to be married, then of course, your wife would need to learn to have a good relationship with her but Rachel is probably just the first in a long line of girl friends/people/activities/school/jobs that will come between Mom & son.
Perhaps your son & your wife could have a good talk, where he thanks her for helping to raise him into being the fine, young man that he is becoming. But, he also needs to remind her that she raised (notice the past tense) him well and although she will always be his mom he needs to start doing more things on his own to show her what a good job she did. Of course, parents should be supportive of their adult children, too but he needs to "spread his wings" as he will soon be "flying off".
Frankly, if Mom doesn't start loosening the apron strings soon your son may end up becoming one of those mama's boys who is afraid to go away to college or move into their own apartment or accept a job in another city or get married because it may displease Mom. Irish, do you want that to happen?
The last thing I want is my son at 35 still living with us. YIKES
I had forgotten about that. Really unusual behavior for a parent.
Irish, did you ever share how your wife responded to your son's HS activities?
Did she allow him to date, go to parties, go to the prom and things like that? Was he allowed to participate in sports or after school extracurricular activities? Or were evenings and weekends reserved for "Mom and Son" or family activities?
Now IDK if and when this would go down as he hasn't brought it since last night, but what I think Rachel being there would add would be, ideally, " I love your son, he loves you. I'm not trying to steal him from you." or something like that.
The last thing I want is my son at 35 still living with us. YIKES
Do you think that your wife wants that? Be honest.
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77
Now IDK if and when this would go down as he hasn't brought it since last night, but what I think Rachel being there would add would be, ideally, " I love your son, he loves you. I'm not trying to steal him from you." or something like that.
If Rachel is at the point where she tells you that she loves (not cares for him deeply, etc. but actually loves) your son perhaps she should be included in a discussion with your wife.
FWIW, in my family, my husband and I and our adult children have never told the parents of a BF or GF that we "loved" their adult child unless we were at the point that we were discussing marriage. I'm pretty sure that my siblings and my husband's siblings never told the parents of a BF or GF that they loved their adult child until they were at the point of discussing marriage, too.
Perhaps other families are different but if Rachel tells your wife "I love your son" (unless they have been discussing a life together or marriage) I suspect that your wife will go ballistic. You wife may still go ballistic if your son and Rachel have been discussing marriage but Rachel would obviously be much, much more than "just a girlfriend" at that point.
Irish,, what are you thinking? It's a BAD idea for Rachel to be there. Basically, you want her to witness your son lecturing his mother??? Yeah, humiliation. That'll go down well with your wife. Have you met your wife? Do you not know her? Geez. You son, and your son alone, needs to tell his mom that she needs to start behaving like an adult and not a mean high-school girl.
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