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You did the right thing. Maybe he just has no conversational skills or maybe he IS a racist of some kind, but giving him a piece of your mind would not have solved either of those issues. Let it go.
I will say that during the two years I lived in NJ, I was frequently asked about my nationality based on my last name -- and others frequently talked about their own heritage/those of their friends. My maiden name is clearly foreign, and I got tons of questions about it during my time there. Nationality/ethnicity talk was everywhere -- not even necessarily in a racist way (though a little bit, sometimes), but I've never been to another place quite like it.
People i this part of the country could learn some ethnic etiquette. Generally, commenting on somebody's physical body or ethic background is something to be avoided in professional situations. Saying something such as "I liked your nice Italian name better" could get you in deep trouble elsewhere in the country. An attorney should know that.
But, I've had an attorney ask "What are you?" (meaning my ethnic background) during a job interview. When I said "German," he said, "Good, so we'll have a mick, a wop and a kraut!" He didn't mean any harm-- but I still couldn't believe my ears. The guy could have been horse-whipped in a lawsuit for that joke.
People i this part of the country could learn some ethnic etiquette. Generally, commenting on somebody's physical body or ethic background is something to be avoided in professional situations. Saying something such as "I liked your nice Italian name better" could get you in deep trouble elsewhere in the country. An attorney should know that.
But, I've had an attorney ask "What are you?" (meaning my ethnic background) during a job interview. When I said "German," he said, "Good, so we'll have a mick, a wop and a kraut!" He didn't mean any harm-- but I still couldn't believe my ears. The guy could have been horse-whipped in a lawsuit for that joke.
I can't imagine a professional person to be so clueless as to say such an inappropriate statement. Sheesh!
You did the right thing. Maybe he just has no conversational skills or maybe he IS a racist of some kind, but giving him a piece of your mind would not have solved either of those issues. Let it go.
I will say that during the two years I lived in NJ, I was frequently asked about my nationality based on my last name -- and others frequently talked about their own heritage/those of their friends. My maiden name is clearly foreign, and I got tons of questions about it during my time there. Nationality/ethnicity talk was everywhere -- not even necessarily in a racist way (though a little bit, sometimes), but I've never been to another place quite like it.
Jersey is very diverse, and I think nationality is something that comes up a lot there in conversation. There's always some ethnically focused festival coming up, or a new restaurant opening with a different cuisine (though hardly ANY pho places - what is UP with that???). It's a total culture mix, and I think it kind of just promotes questions. It's also where a lot of recent immigrants end up, and that too can create an atmosphere where ethnicity and nationality are common topics of conversation.
One time, I was just wandering around with my then-boyfriend on a college campus. We stepped into a historical Protestant church to look around and stumbled right into the middle of a Diwali festival going full blast (we stayed to watch the dancing). Another time, I went to the Pine Barrens to listen to some bluegrass music and the kid on the banjo was wearing the tzitzit of an Orthodox Jew. When my aunt and uncle used to refer to my cousin's group of friends in high school, they just referred to the kids collectively as "The UN." As in, "We're staying in tonight. The UN is visiting and we are going to supervise."
It's by no means a cultural utopia (and I've witnessed plenty of racism and cultural insensitivity there), but believe me, I have noticed a difference since I've moved to Colorado.
He sounds like the kind of guy who perpetually has his foot in his mouth. I would just pity him and move on with your day. With this sort of person, I find saying something is usually ineffective. If they had the capacity to understand why this was the wrong thing to say, they never would've said it in the first place, and where you're hoping for a "Oh, okay, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," sort of response, that's not what you're going to get.
Anyway, I'm sorry he said something ugly about your new last name.
You did the right thing. He was a major jerk. It's understandable that you are feeling offended and it shows through your actions of not reacting, that you are truly the better person. Taking the high road can be painful.
Dear Abby's favorite response to nosy questions (which could have also worked in this situation) is "why do you ask?"
My canned response is usually "thank you for your opinion" and then I change the subject.
But no, you don't need to give him a piece of your mind. Many people are interested in heritage and small talk. If you prefer not to talk about it, see the three options above! Don't try so hard to get offended.
Yes! Why do you ask is priceless! I've only used it once, I think. But it is perfect. Puts the onus on the questioner. And it is less rude than, Its none of your business.
I wouldn't have been offended if he had JUST asked about the nationality of your last name - a lot of people are just curious about such things and no offense is meant at all. But when he said he didn't LIKE your married name and preferred "a nice Italian last name" like your maiden name, he crossed over into jerk-ville.
Years ago when I lived in a college dorm, our names were posted on our doors when we arrived to move in for the fall. We were all very curious to meet the girl whose last name was "Morningstar," thinking she was going to be a Native American. She and her very German-looking blonde family showed up late in the day, and we found out the family had changed their name somewhere along the way from Morgenstern.
I wouldn't have been offended if he had JUST asked about the nationality of your last name - a lot of people are just curious about such things and no offense is meant at all. But when he said he didn't LIKE your married name and preferred "a nice Italian last name" like your maiden name, he crossed over into jerk-ville.
Years ago when I lived in a college dorm, our names were posted on our doors when we arrived to move in for the fall. We were all very curious to meet the girl whose last name was "Morningstar," thinking she was going to be a Native American. She and her very German-looking blonde family showed up late in the day, and we found out the family had changed their name somewhere along the way from Morgenstern.
Clearly, this guy is a racist jerk. There is unlikely to be anything you would say that would change his mind. However, a verbal tongue lashing from you would certainly change people's perspective of you (even if it is justified). I am sorry that this happened to you. Some people just suck.
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