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Old 01-25-2014, 09:30 AM
 
Location: Surf City, NC
363 posts, read 550,329 times
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The more I read about wills and their aftermath, the more I believe is that the best practice is to divide everything equally in your will. These are your last words to your children; you want them to know they are all equally loved. If you have a child with special needs, set up a trust for them now. If one child is a care-giver, compensate them as you go along. I also think care-givers should speak up and ask for help now. Remember also these things can change. My grandparents will was set up to give a larger share to my uncle. He lived near them in Miami and was more involved in looking after them. As it happened, he died before my grandmother. My parents moved my grandmother close to them and looked after her in her final years. My uncle's kids still got a greater share of the estate than my mom, not that she really minded, my uncle had done much for them over the years. As I said, things change and I think it works out best to address inequalities before you're gone.
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Old 01-25-2014, 09:33 AM
 
3,592 posts, read 4,706,883 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Every time one of us makes the trip to check on my mother, she asks if there is anything in particular we want after her death. A lot of her things now have little stickers on the back indicating who should end up with what.

One Christmas I commissioned a painting of the house we grew up in as a gift for my parents. I paid for it, and I know my name is on the back of it. I also know my oldest brother really wants it. And, I'll give it to him. I've never gotten attached to belongings.

One stipulation my parents' will contained is that if any of their children predecease them, their share of the estate passes on to their children, not the spouse.

You should know that growing up and living in a civilized family in this day and age...this is a great blessing you have. Don't take it for granted, I pray you.
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Old 01-25-2014, 09:54 AM
 
Location: Georgia
4,560 posts, read 4,063,367 times
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A couple of things:

1. Nobody had any expectation of getting ANY money. So nothing has really changed, has it?

2. Everyone says uncle should "share". Why? Especially since it seems that the only reason he should share is to "buy" the affections of the rest of his family. Frankly, if I were part of a family that would hate me if I didn't give them money, I'd say screw 'em, too. It sounds an awful lot like everyone is saying it's "fair" for him to divide the assets, but what they are really saying is that "if you don't share, we're never speaking to you again."
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Old 01-25-2014, 11:58 AM
 
Location: Wallingford, CT
1,063 posts, read 1,090,375 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga View Post
A couple of things:

1. Nobody had any expectation of getting ANY money. So nothing has really changed, has it?

2. Everyone says uncle should "share". Why? Especially since it seems that the only reason he should share is to "buy" the affections of the rest of his family. Frankly, if I were part of a family that would hate me if I didn't give them money, I'd say screw 'em, too. It sounds an awful lot like everyone is saying it's "fair" for him to divide the assets, but what they are really saying is that "if you don't share, we're never speaking to you again."

Pretty much this.

Your uncle was left the money and your mother and her sisters should respect their father's wishes. Your uncle is under no obligation whatsoever to give them anything. And based on your age, honestly, if your uncle wants to do what's really "right," he would put it in a trust for you, your siblings, and your cousins, or otherwise leave the money in his own will for the grandchildren rather than his greedy sisters.

Your uncle was evidently the only one that your grandfather could trust. It may not have much to do with culture at all.
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Old 01-25-2014, 12:40 PM
 
Location: The beautiful Garden State
2,683 posts, read 3,402,014 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aliss2 View Post
He was the youngest of the six kids but the only male, so that's why he received it. My grandfather came from a very patriarchal culture and that's just the way it is. No real surprise there. I guess it's a kick in the nuts for them, since none of them went to school beyond junior high (girls don't need school) but my uncle was paid right through graduate school. He also received the house so this is more like $700k.

Personally I'm not surprised at all, I don't see why they should want to go to court over it, but those talks have already started. Wish he had just donated it all to some charity, maybe everyone would be pissed off but they wouldn't target my uncle.
By the time all the lawsuits have wound their way through the courts there probably won't be any money left
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Old 01-25-2014, 12:42 PM
 
Location: The beautiful Garden State
2,683 posts, read 3,402,014 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Csiko View Post
Pretty much this.

Your uncle was left the money and your mother and her sisters should respect their father's wishes. Your uncle is under no obligation whatsoever to give them anything. And based on your age, honestly, if your uncle wants to do what's really "right," he would put it in a trust for you, your siblings, and your cousins, or otherwise leave the money in his own will for the grandchildren rather than his greedy sisters.

Your uncle was evidently the only one that your grandfather could trust. It may not have much to do with culture at all.
The fact that he only paid for the son's education does indicate that it may well have been cultural.
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Old 01-25-2014, 12:56 PM
 
617 posts, read 1,151,869 times
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I have a good story as it relates to this. My father is re-married. This lady is the sweetest woman, but if I could, I would only associate with one of her children, who is a gem. The others have their issues.

Anyway, her ex-husband had some medical issues, a major personality change, became abusive, and they divorced. 10-15 years later, he passed on. He had never updated his will...the three children were each left a decent sum of money, but the bulk of his money and possessions still were willed to his ex-wife, my stepmom.

Her oldest kid (daughter) went off the deep end. Thought she shouldn't have any of it, it should all go to the kids. To the point where she attempted to have her own mother declared mentally unfit and committed over it. This is a woman who, post divorce, worked night shift for over a decade, came home, got the kids off to school, and grabbed a few hours of sleep during the day, and then woke up before they got home for dinner, homework, sports, etc., before repeating the process.

My wife and I barely tolerate this oldest daughter of hers, though she and her mother have made up. She has a decent career but only seems to call her mother is she needs something. My stepmother and my father have a pre-nup, what's his is his, what's hers is hers, and he has a trust set up which goes to me entirely as I'm his only child, including his house. Despite what should be ironclad legally, do you think I trust this stepsister for a minute? I guarantee you the first thing that happens is the locks get changed on his house, and I basically tell her she's no longer welcome in our lives. I only tolerate her now for the sake of her mother, who I adore.
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Old 01-25-2014, 01:34 PM
 
13,135 posts, read 20,699,235 times
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Originally Posted by laorbust61 View Post
You should know that growing up and living in a civilized family in this day and age...this is a great blessing you have. Don't take it for granted, I pray you.
I don't. However, our mother's determination to make sure her death doesn't tear apart family bonds is a result of her own experience. Her mother died fairly young, and my grandfather remarried years later. When he died, my step-grandmother got everything, including items that had belonged to my mother's mother, and which held great meaning for her.
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Old 01-25-2014, 02:46 PM
 
Location: San Antonio
7,629 posts, read 14,337,726 times
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I watched inheritance tear apart my cousins....these were 7 of the closest kids you could EVER want to meet...but once aunt died and uncle developed Alzheimer's, the youngest (who was married with 3 young kids herself) quit work to stay home and take care of "dad"....NO ONE had a problem with it. Eventually, she, her hubby and their boys ended up moving into Dads house to care for him as he required 24/7 care. His house would accommodate the brood, theirs had no spare room for dad. Again, everyone fine with her sacrifices. The moment "dad" died, they all wanted THEIR fair share of the homestead and demanded that IF she wanted to stay there, she had to buy them out...otherwise, move and get your portion of the sales only. Now mind you, she and HER husband and HER sons had cared for dad 24/7 for 6 yrs and that was FINE with the others vs putting him in a home and spending the $$$, but the moment it came down to dividing, no one felt she and her family deserved the homestead for all their sacrificing....VERY, VERY sad if you ask me. I honestly believe not only would his needs have burned thru ever dollar he had, but that all of them would have been pitching in $$$ for his needs/care had the youngest not quit her job to lovingly take care of dad in his final days in a place he knew, loved and felt secure in.
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Old 01-26-2014, 07:44 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,874 posts, read 17,190,006 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paka View Post
I watched inheritance tear apart my cousins....these were 7 of the closest kids you could EVER want to meet...but once aunt died and uncle developed Alzheimer's, the youngest (who was married with 3 young kids herself) quit work to stay home and take care of "dad"....NO ONE had a problem with it. Eventually, she, her hubby and their boys ended up moving into Dads house to care for him as he required 24/7 care. His house would accommodate the brood, theirs had no spare room for dad. Again, everyone fine with her sacrifices. The moment "dad" died, they all wanted THEIR fair share of the homestead and demanded that IF she wanted to stay there, she had to buy them out...otherwise, move and get your portion of the sales only. Now mind you, she and HER husband and HER sons had cared for dad 24/7 for 6 yrs and that was FINE with the others vs putting him in a home and spending the $$$, but the moment it came down to dividing, no one felt she and her family deserved the homestead for all their sacrificing....VERY, VERY sad if you ask me. I honestly believe not only would his needs have burned thru ever dollar he had, but that all of them would have been pitching in $$$ for his needs/care had the youngest not quit her job to lovingly take care of dad in his final days in a place he knew, loved and felt secure in.
A very sad story.
That is why preplanning and openness is so important. If the house had been left to her in his will clearly stating " I leave my house and all of it's contents to my daughter for her years of sacrifice and care" the siblings may have been a little grumpy but Dad's wishes would have been followed. Or if the daughter would have had a salary for providing care it would have been different, too. Then she may have been able to buy them out.

Another thing is that many people really do not realize how truly expensive nursing care & nursing homes can be. If the daughter and her siblings met and discussed the options. "If Daddy has round the clock care in his home it will cost (let's say) $80,000 per year. If he goes to Happy Acres it will cost $90,000 per year. We can sell the house and it will pay for two years of care. Siblings, will you each chip in the extra $10,000 that he will need for as long as he lives?" They may have been delighted to have Lil Sis and her family care for him in his home and have the title changed to her name or paid her to care for him.

After the fact, the siblings may now say "Of course, I would have chipped in $10,000 per year for his care but no one asked me to do that (when there was no way in heaven they really would have done that)." Very, very sad.
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