How do Americans justify turning their backs on their parents once they get married? (female, male)
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This isn't just about the elderly, it's about grown kids who never want to leave the nest and want a wife that will be like a second mother. They all live together so then they get two moms. We do have these in American culture, most of us women have come across them. They tend to never marry.
Didn't read the thread, but here are my thoughts. Chinese born in the US here and we generally still have strong family values. Our parents supported us through and beyond college by letting us stay at home and grow financially before buying our first homes with our SOs. But now we also have our own families. I love my parents but I do not want them to be with us at every event. We also need to do our own thing without being second-guessed. They mean well, but they will undoubtedly give their input being under the same roof. Let me live my own life even if that means mistakes. We still see them about once or twice a week since they live nearby. When it comes time that their health is deteriorating, then we will step in. Not so much as have them live with us, but my brother and I will take responsibility on a near-daily basis no doubt. By then our kids are likely to be out and we will have the means to do a lot more. The thought of us aging really hit home when my mom told me "I didn't leave your dad anything [in the will], so you and your brother need to take care of him." It didn't really need to be said, but there it was.
As for our kids, we will provide beyond their college as well if they want it (as long as they're not freeloading). Then we will have our own empty nest and we'll figure out something to do too. Hopefully they stay close and we can see our grandkids often just the same.
I agree with that. The elder American are generally independent, young at heart and do not want to live or bother with their busy grown up adult children or bother their spouses. It has been that way for generations.. They want to act like their inward youthful self and do what they please. They do not want to be living with their bossy younger children and be the dependent grumpy grandma who HAS to be the babysitter while all the young folks have fun. Now of course if the elder wants that well that is ok too. Also regarding nursing homes, I have worked in some very well established beautiful facilities in USA where the elder was cared for much better there than in homes of families (I have also done home health work for people of all cultures so I know what I am talking about.) Sometimes the American elder enrolls himself in the nursing home and prefer the nursing home or ALF (there are state inspectors and laws to protect the elder in the USA) to living with their grown children! I have seen American elders treated like kings in nursing homes or ALFs by the staff and have fun with activities and go to occasional outings. Some of those places welcome families anytime of the day or night. Of course there are some bad ones too. But that is the beauty of America you have choices. To an Afghan it sounds terrible to not take care of an elder in their home but it probably is the only choice for an Afghan..Not America. In America you will not see old people living in the streets with no food. Unless they wish to or they are drunks etc.. Imagine if that poor old man or woman is stuck living with an evil and mean family member. That sounds much more terrible to an American I believe as we have choices. I have talked to elders who said there is no way they would live or impose on their grown adult children. Fiercely proud and independent American elders where some live with family if they want to and some who just do not want to or do not have a nice and caring family. So is life.
The thread starter may have worded it a little strongly, saying we turn our backs on them, but I do understand the point he is trying to make. In some cultures the Parents rule the roost and call a lot of the shots throughout a person's life. They even make decisions about who the child will wed , Grandchildren's names, and things like that.
We Americans sort of have the philosophy that when we get married the new family is our main focus and our Parents take somewhat of a back seat. We don't necessarily cut ties with them, not saying that at all, but we tend to make decisions and live our lives with the new relationship at the center of all of our decisions and activities.
It it like when a bird leaves the nest, and I bet most of us do it that way. We try to keep our mate happy and make decisions that might be contrary to what our Parents would like us to make, but we make them for the benefit of the newer family unit.
But the OP is right, some cultures would consider you an outcast if you moved away or somehow made any decisions that they didn't approve of..........we are just more independent. But I know of some nationalities that still stay very tight, even after marriage, like Italians who every Sunday get together as a whole group and have dinner.
Americans dont "turn our back" on our family. We move out and start our own family, and our kids will do the same. Different cultures behave differently, you need to learn that or else you will be considered closed minded. Hence why the hell would I listen to a rant about my culture from a closed minded person? I wouldnt. If you have a point to make, learn how to make it objectively and with courtesy.
That being said there are plenty of cultural habits that Afghanis do that Id prefer not to do.
Your culture is not ours. Your culture is hierarchical. American culture is mixed, and many families here are NOT hierarchical. In fact, my parents raised my sisters and me to be independent and live how we wished to, with no pressure to marry or have kids. They wanted us to be self-sufficient and rely on no one, not even a husband, for the roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. They raised us to be this way so they wouldn't have to worry about anyone taking advantage of us, exploiting us, abusing us, or dominating us.
Until the day they died, my parents wanted to be independent, too. They also feared being a burden, my mother especially.
Had they needed us, of course we would have been there for them. At one point, one of my sisters lived in an apartment connected to their house, which made my mother feel at ease while my father was traveling for work. But by and large, they wanted to live in their own home, that they paid for and owned, and they wanted to continue living the way they had established for themselves. They did not want to move into someone else's household, and they certainly did not want to deal with the noise and clamor of children running around. They wanted peace and quiet in their retirement, and that is what they got.
If you are going to live in the United States, I strongly encourage you to think about how you phrase things. Your ways are not necessarily ours. If you do not like it here, and you do not like the way we live, you are free to return to Afghanistan, or go anywhere else on the planet where you will be more comfortable.
Once you are dealing with people who cannot take care of their personal needs, need 24/7 attention, cause disturbances in-house and with the community - at a certain point you have to make decisions.
The OP is male from Afghanistan. He won't have to make any decisions because he won't be the one dealing with it. It's his wife who will have to bathe, feed, and clothe his parents, and suffer any potential violent outbursts caused by Alzheimer's or other forms of cognitive decline.
One more difference between his culture and ours. He may say we turn our backs on our parents, but in his culture, the males most certainly do turn their backs on their parents: They foist their parents on their wives.
I don't care for the idea of parents coddling adult kids but if it is part of someone's culture to live with parents into adulthood that is not mine to judge. If it is not part of one's culture then I really do not have to condone it because it can lead to issues of lax behavior and entitlement.
I've dated men from some cultures that expected women not from those cultures to conform to their customs. But they are in the US, they must understand it is different. Then again some purely American men seemed to expect the same thing, that they would live with parents until they marry and never move away from family. To each their own but everyone will not approve of this rigid plan.
This isn't just about the elderly, it's about grown kids who never want to leave the nest and want a wife that will be like a second mother. They all live together so then they get two moms. We do have these in American culture, most of us women have come across them. They tend to never marry.
LOL - more specifically, they can't find any women who will marry them.
01-24-2014, 01:41 PM
2K5Gx2km
n/a posts
Just to add another counter example:
My Mom and her sister take care of their parents. Her brother bought the house next to her so my grandpa, who will be 97 can stay there on his own (that's how he likes it- very independent). My grandmother is with my mom next door at 92, and they both will be there until they die (which may be awhile - they are still going strong). They are divorced - it is sometimes comical but they get along now. My father and his brother died already but their mother is still around at 90 and lives on her own - I and my cousins check-up on her often. My father bought the house she lives in. She's ok because she has friends but lives far away from where we live and work - not ideal but we do our best.
To suggest that we 'turn our backs' on our parents/grandparents is ridonkulously too general and ignorant.
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