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Old 01-24-2014, 01:52 PM
 
Location: Jamestown, NY
7,841 posts, read 7,331,482 times
Reputation: 13779

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
The OP is male from Afghanistan. He won't have to make any decisions because he won't be the one dealing with it. It's his wife who will have to bathe, feed, and clothe his parents, and suffer any potential violent outbursts caused by Alzheimer's or other forms of cognitive decline.

One more difference between his culture and ours. He may say we turn our backs on our parents, but in his culture, the males most certainly do turn their backs on their parents: They foist their parents on their wives.
Point. Set. Match.
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Old 01-24-2014, 02:24 PM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 14,216,807 times
Reputation: 4563
He's probably not from Afghanistan. He's probably just trolling as evidenced by all his vastly different stories.
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Old 01-24-2014, 04:01 PM
 
Location: TX
3,931 posts, read 4,703,745 times
Reputation: 4390
SOME elderly Americans do value their independence! Personally, I don't want to live with my only child...or any other relative, either. But reality has a way of changing things. I've seen it happen to people I know. Some elderly people end up with limited choices. An illness or accident or disease can leave elderly people completely unable to take care of themselves. And not everyone can afford to hire someone who works as a caregiver in the home. Nursing homes are a rather depressing (and often truly unaffordable) alternative. I hope you never have to face those choices someday.
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Old 01-24-2014, 05:43 PM
 
914 posts, read 776,616 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaDave View Post
Never really had a discussion about this before. I know it isn't limited to Americans but I live in America. In my culture (Afghanistan) the parents live with the son or daughter For life. The idea is your parents need you when they are elderly, and it is your duty to take care of huge a s they took care of you. That's means your wife and parents and kids all in there same house. A large family indeed. That is probably what I will be doing. I will be living with my parents until I am established enough to get my own place, then I will marry. Never could I allow either of my parents to go to nursing homes.
America is indeed a very different culture.
Once, not that long ago, perhaps 100 - 150 years ago, you had extended families, aunts, uncles cousins, children, parents, grandparents even...all living in the same house...the family farm.

The advent of the "nuclear family" which is now common in America has a lot to do with the industrialization of America...and with companies that ask their employees to move.

I don't think it is so much "turning your backs on your parents" as it is a matter of economics - most "nuclear families" are barely getting by, and do not have the resources, in terms of time or money...in order to care for their elderly parents...or they do not live in the same town, or even the same state.

Also, sometimes, elderly people need skilled care that the average person is not qualified to give.

All that said, one of the reasons I have chosen to stay living with mom, even though I now am able to financially support myself out on my own (I moved back after Hurricane Katrina ruined me) is that now my mom is economically in need of my support...and I happen to be in a position where I CAN give it.

If her health ever deteriorates, I will care for her such as I am able - and if we get to a point where I no longer can I will have to look at options...possibly a visiting nurse, and even yes, god forbid, possibly a nursing home. I'd hate to do it, but if she can get the kind of care she needs there - that I'm not able to provide in any other way...then that is how it would have to be.

However, she would be visited frequently and not warehoused. Another possible option would be to send her to an adult day care and let her come home at night. There are many options available. But...putting your elderly parent in a nursing home is NOT turning your back on your parent...there may be no other viable alternative.
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Old 01-24-2014, 07:22 PM
 
3,965 posts, read 4,610,045 times
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I would turn my back on my parents if they were still living. My justification for it? That's what I want to do.
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Old 01-24-2014, 07:28 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,667 posts, read 74,628,627 times
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if you would go on a tour with me of our elderly care facilities here, you would see that by and large, old adults are abandoned by their families as soon as they sign over the property.
the kids say "its what dad would have wanted".
rubbish.
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:17 PM
 
47,573 posts, read 60,644,318 times
Reputation: 22283
Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaDave View Post
Never really had a discussion about this before. I know it isn't limited to Americans but I live in America. In my culture (Afghanistan) the parents live with the son or daughter For life. The idea is your parents need you when they are elderly, and it is your duty to take care of huge a s they took care of you. That's means your wife and parents and kids all in there same house. A large family indeed. That is probably what I will be doing. I will be living with my parents until I am established enough to get my own place, then I will marry. Never could I allow either of my parents to go to nursing homes.
American parents generally don't have children just to get themselves free caretakers for their golden years. We're an independent people for one, most American parents abhor the idea of their own children having to bathe them, change diapers, many would prefer a nursing home to that. The other thing is that really you can't admit a healthy parent to a nursing home, those places are really for people who need nursing care.
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:24 PM
 
47,573 posts, read 60,644,318 times
Reputation: 22283
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
The OP is male from Afghanistan. He won't have to make any decisions because he won't be the one dealing with it. It's his wife who will have to bathe, feed, and clothe his parents, and suffer any potential violent outbursts caused by Alzheimer's or other forms of cognitive decline.

One more difference between his culture and ours. He may say we turn our backs on our parents, but in his culture, the males most certainly do turn their backs on their parents: They foist their parents on their wives.
And that is very true. The men aren't the ones changing adult diapers of their moms and dads, that's considered women's work.

In actuality, the woman who is given the job of adult caretaker for family members, very often does it with no pay while other family members hold down jobs and even look down on her. Very often no one will step in and give her a vacation or holiday or even day off.

It can be a female child who the parents actually groomed for this job, she is not to marry or have children of her own, if she gets a job it's with the understanding she will give it up when the time comes, her role in life is to be the nursemaid for the elderly relatives. If there are no "spinsters" to fill this role, another female adult child will have to take it. Almost never are the men expected to actually provide the elder care.
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Old 01-25-2014, 12:43 AM
 
Location: Portlandia "burbs"
10,234 posts, read 13,987,730 times
Reputation: 25884
I wouldn't mind living near my child in my elder years but I'm certain I would not want to live with her. I would feel like I was in the way and would want my independence as long as possible. If I start losing my mind, stick me in an assisted living facility where I wouldn't be a burden. I wouldn't notice, anyway.
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Old 01-25-2014, 01:17 AM
 
13,044 posts, read 15,397,378 times
Reputation: 15299
My dad always said "I'm not moving in on my kids." He didn't want to be in a nursing home, either. When he was sick he kept it to himself and surprised us all when he died suddenly (he had metastatic cancer and must have been in horrible pain, but he didn't complain or let us know anything was wrong). I'm sure he knew he was going to die but he kept it to himself. But you know what? He did it the way he wanted to. He never liked to be the center of attention. I might do the same myself when the time comes.
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