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Old 01-22-2014, 06:08 AM
 
4,723 posts, read 13,926,279 times
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Such broad generalization, such as the title of this thread, are ridiculous and insulting.
Most parents who are " empty nesters" keep independently enjoying life. Rare to find elderly parents who would dream of burdening their kids or are happy to be supported by them.
Sad someone from a backwards hell as you are from come into this country to insult.
I don't like the way your culture does much of anything, but I can imagine the fate of someone publicly insulting it there.

Last edited by nanannie; 01-22-2014 at 07:16 AM..
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Old 01-22-2014, 06:12 AM
 
4,723 posts, read 13,926,279 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaDave View Post
Will women think I am a loser when it Ellen me I am 25 and live with my mom? If I explain why will an American woman think it's just an excuse to be a bum?
No, they will think you a loser because you are insulting and backwards.

Last edited by nanannie; 01-22-2014 at 07:18 AM..
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Old 01-22-2014, 06:24 AM
 
13,678 posts, read 13,602,613 times
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I bought a house that has enough room for both of my parents. And my grandmother had just moved in with my mother for her final illness when she passed away. You can make dismissive comments about Americans "turning their backs" on their parents, but you apparently haven't made any effort to understand cultures or points of view other than your own.

That "keep the parents in the home" can backfire pretty brutally when you've got a two-income household and no one's home to keep an eye on an elderly grandmother with health problems. And frankly, my 82-year-old father views moving in with me as his absolute last resort because he'd rather be doing his own thing.

Tell me also: How often in Afghan culture does a married couple house the WIFE's parents? It's been my understanding from everything that I've read that parents are taken care of by their children only if those children happen to be sons. Women leave their families behind to go live with their husband's families.

Add to that the response of my childhood friend from Afghanistan when I asked if she would be able to get out of the marriage her parents had arranged for her (we were 13). She told me sadly it was a done deal because her "fiance's" family would have the right to kill her family if she backed out. Heck, I don't know if that was the truth, but it WAS the response of my fresh-from-Afghanistan friend who had been told from the time she was a little girl that she was going to marry some dude back in her home country.

A son provides for his parents in Afghan culture. Great - that's awesome. You guys might want to work on some of the other aspects though. And yeah, for an American woman, the assumption that she will be helping to take care of her husband's parents is gonna be a big obstacle.
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Old 01-22-2014, 06:31 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,671 posts, read 58,444,243 times
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Maybe as you become older and more mature you'll understand that different cultural mores don't of necessity fall into "good" or "bad" slots - only in the eyes of the ignorant. You're perfectly at liberty in the USA to practice your own customs and adhere to your own particular beliefs and, should anyone criticize your choices, you can either explain your traditions to them or ignore them, depending on the particular circumstances.
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Old 01-22-2014, 06:34 AM
 
10,604 posts, read 14,211,574 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaDave View Post
Never really had a discussion about this before. I know it isn't limited to Americans but I live in America. In my culture (Afghanistan) the parents live with the son or daughter For life. The idea is your parents need you when they are elderly, and it is your duty to take care of huge a s they took care of you. That's means your wife and parents and kids all in there same house. A large family indeed. That is probably what I will be doing. I will be living with my parents until I am established enough to get my own place, then I will marry. Never could I allow either of my parents to go to nursing homes.
You need to visit the Caregiving forum to understand all the extrodinary WORK AND SACRIFICE Americans are doing for their own parents.

Why are you trying to put a culture of a place like Afghanistan into the American life, though?

Just getting an education was nearly impossible there especially for females.

Did you notice when the war started, that all the militia had excellent haircuts? Super modern? I NOTICED and was laughing to myself "HOW?".

HOW? Because so many women/wives were secret hairdressers and weren't allowed to operate businesses there. I saw a woman who immigrated HERE talking about it. She actually started some type of thing over there to get them to be able to earn money as hairdressers after Taliban overthrow.

You just THINK that because you don't know how bad it can be and what HELPFUL resources are available.

And is there the level of dementia and Alzheimers in Afghanistan that there is here? NO wait. Because the average life expectancy in Afghanistan was 48 years OLD as of 2009.

How would they handle a person who constantly tries to escape the house, running down the street naked 24/7 or sets fires repeatedly and insists on driving a car, killing innocent people?

PHYSICAL RESTRAINTS, that's how.

In a nursing home here, the patients have daily activities and professionals who UNDERSTAND how to give them a quality of life. AND medical attention. The law prohibits certain uses of physical and chemical restraints to preserve the dignity of patients.

Also in Afghanistan you don't have the same professional hospitals and so forth to take care of the people who NEED PROFESSIONAL CARE. Such as rehabilitation after a hip replacement. Do they even DO hip replacements there?

Don't ever say NEVER.

In Afghanistan there are NO choices for seniors who need help. And of COURSE families live together - they don't have many other economic choices either. Must be fun given the average woman gives birth to over 5 children. IF the even survive the pregnancy. WHERE is a girl who can't even read or write going to go? From her parents house to HIS parents house, that's where. A miserable life of being a permanent CARETAKER and "employee".

My family is from Greece and the entire family has lived separately forever. You grow up get married raise your OWN family in your OWN HOUSE and if your parents need help you get or give it.

It's no different here.

And BTW we have several LEVELS of assisted care and I cannot WAIT to move to my clients' type of housing. Gourmet chef meals, limo service wherever I have to go, tennis, golf, a marina, 24/7 "help" with life's daily activities, field trips, hair dressers and manicures on site....the list goes on and on.

Versus what in Afghanistan? A crowded tent and an outhouse? (hyperbole but you get my point)

Last edited by runswithscissors; 01-22-2014 at 07:03 AM..
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Old 01-22-2014, 06:49 AM
 
10,604 posts, read 14,211,574 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaDave View Post
Will women think I am a loser when it Ellen me I am 25 and live with my mom? If I explain why will an American woman think it's just an excuse to be a bum?
You are going to have a hard time finding an American girl to marry because it's completely illogical to think that SHE is going to give up her OWN FAMILY to live with YOURS for a lifetime, and be a slave to THEM when they all get older - and abandon her OWN mom and dad. Not to mention freedom - financial and otherwise.

Or do you think that HER family is going to want to live with YOURS?

WHY would an American girl want to live with your family and be told 24/7 what to do, think, say etc? THAT's why in AF., you have to marry children, to get the slave factor.

Do you seriously think that a "normal" American girl is going to willfully enter into such an arrangement promising to be changing your parent's diapers, barf, toilet accidents etc for LIFE? OH wait. YOU'RE going to do all that plus the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc, right? And I guess if your BROTHERS need "help" your wife will have to change THEIR diapers, too, right?

I love when people from other countries move here and complain about OUR lifestyles. Part of being an AMERICAN is taking PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for yourself and ASSIMILATING - not just finding a JOB.

BTW you said you're moving out getting your OWN place, so already you are breaking your OWN culture's rules.

I don't see where the Afghan family is so "LOVING" considering they have no problem at all selling or giving away their young daughters to men and their families to do with as they please. See how that works? We can make generalizations, too.

Last edited by runswithscissors; 01-22-2014 at 07:11 AM..
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Old 01-22-2014, 07:13 AM
 
Location: Dallas
5,601 posts, read 4,939,192 times
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No way did my father want to live with his kids, but after his stroke he came to live with me because it was either that or a nursing home. He was no longer able to take care of himself, so I took care of him until his death. Elderly Americans seem to value their privacy and independence much more than elderly Afghans, it appears.

You won't have much luck finding an American girl who wants to take on the responsibility of her husbands aging parents unless it is HER CHOICE. Expecting her to do so because that is how it is done in Afghanistan won't fly. Women are not slaves in this country. Better off you find an Afghan girl who agrees with your views. Then you can both bash Americans for not doing it "right".

It burns me up to see people from another country come over here and find fault with everything, and especially post insulting and untrue generalizations about Americans. BTW, no one is keeping you here. Maybe you'd be happier back in Afghanistan.
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Old 01-22-2014, 07:35 AM
 
Location: Idaho
836 posts, read 1,377,897 times
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I look at nature and see how parents are for critters when they're young and then they are left behind so the young can live their own lives; I recommend the same for humans.

Not saying abandon parents completely, but when you see the grief from meddlesome, interfering parents in their children's marriages I think it makes for a good argument not to live near them.

Yes, Gramma is a good (free) babysitter, but at what cost?

Like everything, this does not apply to everyone but I think many/most young couples should be away from parents for at least the first couple years of their marriage.

As a lifelong bachelor I am quite the authority on successful marriage.
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Old 01-22-2014, 07:36 AM
 
2,612 posts, read 4,769,863 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaDave View Post
Never really had a discussion about this before. I know it isn't limited to Americans but I live in America. In my culture (Afghanistan) the parents live with the son or daughter For life. The idea is your parents need you when they are elderly, and it is your duty to take care of huge a s they took care of you. That's means your wife and parents and kids all in there same house. A large family indeed. That is probably what I will be doing. I will be living with my parents until I am established enough to get my own place, then I will marry. Never could I allow either of my parents to go to nursing homes.
There are a number of reasons why people end up in nursing homes that are not related to children turning their backs. Many Americans do care for their elderly parents. However, that does not mean living in the same house with them. First, living with parents has some problems - notably, the wife does not always get along with her in-laws. That is a actually a major problem in countries where living together is the tradition. It makes for a very unhappy life. Here in the US, where women have some power and control, and don't HAVE to get married, they are usually unwilling to live with the man's parents when they are still young. My husband is from the middle east, and at one point his mother moved in with us, and I had to move out temporarily because the experience was so miserable. So given the choice, most people prefer not to live in one big family in the same house with parents. Even the relatives who have immigrated here from other countries have moved into either separate houses in the same neighborhood or one giant house that is divided up into smaller "suites" so that there is less togetherness. But that is an expensive option that most American families wouldn't be able to afford.

Second, Americans are very mobile and move often for work reasons. That means that a family can easily be spread out across the US. It is not uncommon for the elderly to need to move in with a family member when they become to old to care for themselves. However, that often means moving far away, which is difficult and expensive. Which leads to the third and most important reason why people end up in nursing home:

Caring for elderly parents at home is too expensive and difficult for most Americans. We have something here that Afganistan doesn't have - excellent, but incredibly expensive medical care. That means that at some point an elderly person can continue to live only with a high level of medical care that is extremely difficult and expensive to provide in the home. It means a qualified nurse every day, special equipment, and care and observation 24/7. Who can provide that? Americans work at least 40 hours a week - including most women - and even if someone quits their job to care for the parent (which does happen) it is almost impossibly exhausting to provide that level of care by oneself. Since we usually have small families, care usually falls to one child (typically the oldest daughter). One person can't provide that care for long, and most people can't afford to pay for that much home care. That's what nursing homes are for - to provide medical care for people who need care 24/7. So, in fact, for most people, a nursing home is the best option. However, a good nursing home is too expensive for most people (entry fees are hundreds of thousands of dollars). So a person without a lot of money or a very large family willing and able to provide this care at home has no choice but to either just die for lack of care or go to one of the nursing homes that don't require a lot of money (the awful ones).

Until you have been in the position of the son or daughter whose parent requires that kind of care, you should not judge. My mother is a nurse and was able to care for her mother on her own for many years. But when her mother became very ill and required round the clock care (including things like being lifted out of bed), my mother was in her 70's herself and couldn't do it. I had an infant and worked as well. After exhaustive research we found a nursing home that was very good, and prepared to pay 200K for my grandmother to go there. Unfortunately, she passed away before a room became available. However, a nursing home was the only way she could get the care she needed. It's an option that just doesn't exist in countries like Afghanistan, where people don't live as long and that level of care does not exist. So perhaps you should not be so quick to judge what you don't understand.
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Old 01-22-2014, 07:42 AM
 
2,612 posts, read 4,769,863 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaDave View Post
Will women think I am a loser when it Ellen me I am 25 and live with my mom? If I explain why will an American woman think it's just an excuse to be a bum?
She might not. But if your mom starts treating her horribly and she can't enjoy her own home or raise her children the way she wants, you will be given a difficult choice to make. And don't think importing a wife from Afghanistan will change that - some of my relatives had arranged marriages thinking they would get more docile wives than American women, but as soon as the women got here they quickly Americanized and asserted themselves.
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