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Old 01-23-2014, 08:12 AM
 
7,495 posts, read 9,767,491 times
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Americans are often raised to get their education and get out of their parents' house so for a lot of people it goes both ways. Our whole culture is built around work, jobs and for certain past decades, a nuclear family (mother, father, children) and most people don't have the time or finances to take care of their parents and that's why so many end up in nursing homes and the like.
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Old 01-23-2014, 11:19 AM
 
Location: Oakland, California
313 posts, read 410,769 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaDave View Post
Never really had a discussion about this before. I know it isn't limited to Americans but I live in America. In my culture (Afghanistan) the parents live with the son or daughter For life. The idea is your parents need you when they are elderly, and it is your duty to take care of huge a s they took care of you. That's means your wife and parents and kids all in there same house. A large family indeed. That is probably what I will be doing. I will be living with my parents until I am established enough to get my own place, then I will marry. Never could I allow either of my parents to go to nursing homes.
My parents have three children. All of us have had to move to different states (thousands of miles away from them) for work. The economy isn't great, and we've had to do what we can to make money. All of us are of age to be able to marry, but none of us want to spend the money we have on weddings. We'd rather save it to hopefully be able to take care of our parents later in life.

All three of us can't live in my parents house, because they are going to be forced to sell their house to move into an apartment in a place in a warmer climate that is cheaper for their retirement. None of us have property of our own, because we don't have the money for it, so none of us three kids have a place for our parents to stay.

It's not necessarily the culture of America to throw parents in nursing homes: I would LOVE to take care of my parents in my own home. But, I have been unemployed and underemployed for most of the past 8 years. I have tried different jobs, trades, more schooling etc... but the economy is pretty terrible.

Nevertheless, my bf and I have talked about buying some cheap property in a very rural area and building our own ranch on it. This would consist of several living spaces so that if our parents wanted to, they could live with us. But that's their choice, and our parents like life in city-areas, so I'm not sure they'd want to even move to the country if I gave them that option. But I'd really like to be able to eventually...
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Old 01-23-2014, 12:07 PM
 
2,839 posts, read 4,992,756 times
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Your totally wrong dude, I'm middle eastern, my husband's family is American, and it's a constant fight on who gets to have grandma live with them because they ALL want grandma to live with them! We even moved into a larger place so grandma could live with us, but she lives with my mother in law by choice.
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Old 01-23-2014, 01:27 PM
 
Location: TX
3,931 posts, read 4,705,308 times
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You make it sound so simple and idealistic. But real life is quite different. I'm over 65. Sure, I want my independence and don't want to live with my only child...or any relative. Right now I can do that. But in the future, I don't know what will happen. One of my older siblings has a terminal illness. Right now, she's in the hospital, but soon will be discharged. We really believe that her husband isn't able to care for her and she definitely can't take care of herself at all. The family is trying to figure out what can be done. Every option seems problematic and unappealing. I'm hoping it'll all work out. Nursing homes I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!

Quote:
Originally Posted by eastmemphisguy View Post
Elderly Americans value their independence. They don't want to live with their children. They'd much rather live their own life.
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Old 01-23-2014, 01:44 PM
 
1,516 posts, read 1,848,245 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lee W. View Post
You make it sound so simple and idealistic. But real life is quite different. I'm over 65. Sure, I want my independence and don't want to live with my only child...or any relative. Right now I can do that. But in the future, I don't know what will happen. One of my older siblings has a terminal illness. Right now, she's in the hospital, but soon will be discharged. We really believe that her husband isn't able to care for her and she definitely can't take care of herself at all. The family is trying to figure out what can be done. Every option seems problematic and unappealing. I'm hoping it'll all work out. Nursing homes I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!
My sympathies to your sibling and her family.

Indeed you must look at the best alternative. We did the in home care for quite awhile with my MIL until it became almost impossible. Her condition had deteriorated to a point of needing very specialized care with round the clock nursing and doctor visits. She suffered from a disease for almost 40 years which got very bad at the end. We eventually put her into a "rehab" place which could provide her care and make her comfortable. It was a pretty posh place with lovely rooms, activities for the seniors and she was fairly comfortable until her passing just a few months ago. Fortunately we had the money and could find her a very nice place. Not all nursing homes are dank, hell on earth places but you really have to look around. I've visited other places that were very, very depressing and wouldn't wish on my worst enemy either.

End of life situations are so depressing and at the end, you have to try to do your best for the family member.
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Old 01-23-2014, 01:53 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 5,144,175 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaDave View Post
Never really had a discussion about this before. I know it isn't limited to Americans but I live in America. In my culture (Afghanistan) the parents live with the son or daughter For life. The idea is your parents need you when they are elderly, and it is your duty to take care of huge a s they took care of you. That's means your wife and parents and kids all in there same house. A large family indeed. That is probably what I will be doing. I will be living with my parents until I am established enough to get my own place, then I will marry. Never could I allow either of my parents to go to nursing homes.
Loaded question much? You've pretty much judged everyone without full knowledge of specific situations and set up 'your way' as being the only 'proper way'. Lots of luck with that.

My mother has no wish to live with me...she enjoys being independent and is a very active 70 year old. Still works part time and plenty of friends. If the time comes and she needs more help, then certainly I will do what it takes to care for her.....but it would cramp her style if I insisted that she live with me....lol.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:39 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
2,279 posts, read 3,928,415 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaDave View Post
Never really had a discussion about this before. I know it isn't limited to Americans but I live in America. In my culture (Afghanistan) the parents live with the son or daughter For life. The idea is your parents need you when they are elderly, and it is your duty to take care of huge a s they took care of you. That's means your wife and parents and kids all in there same house. A large family indeed. That is probably what I will be doing. I will be living with my parents until I am established enough to get my own place, then I will marry. Never could I allow either of my parents to go to nursing homes.
Not all of us had healthy, happy childhoods and are on good terms with our parents.

I couldn't wait until the day I could move as far as possible from my parents -- my mother, specifically. She made my childhood/adolescence hell, and I have very minimal contact with her, by my choice. There's no way I'd take her into my home.

As other have pointed out, I think a lot of American elderly value their independence and would be resistant to the idea of moving in with their children. Look at how difficult it is for many of our elderly to admit they are no longer safe to drive and how many of them will resist surrendering their car keys.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:48 PM
 
4,723 posts, read 13,926,279 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
Loaded question much? You've pretty much judged everyone without full knowledge of specific situations and set up 'your way' as being the only 'proper way'. Lots of luck lol.
The OP is pretty much a hit and run poster. When people started reading some of his pathetic other posts,he pretty much disappeared. This thread was nothing more then pot stirring. You all don't think you are telling him something he doesn't already know? That not allll Americans " turn their backs" on their elderly parents. And that other clown and all his posts with "proof" stories how the OP is right. That guy has said he hasn't worked but one hour in over a decade, and is prob living off Americans tax dollar, but he is still posting about awful Americans and their elderly abuse. ReAlly, these asinine generalization posts should be left to wither and die.
That OP had no intention of seeking sincere answers, just wanted to get our attention,and it worked. For a bit anyway.
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Old 01-23-2014, 02:55 PM
 
13,170 posts, read 20,804,608 times
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Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
Care to provide any info to rebut your assertion?
So I should provide proof while you just toss around generalizations?

My experience is a life of generous, helpful people. It helps to be one in return. Upon the death of my father, my mother was offered the opportunity to move in with any one of her 7 children. She refused us all.
She is perfectly happy with the social contacts and the neighborhood she has now. We take turns visiting her and doing things around her house that are too difficult for her. I have no regrets, and no guilt.
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Old 01-23-2014, 03:55 PM
hvl
 
403 posts, read 440,897 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaDave View Post
Never really had a discussion about this before. I know it isn't limited to Americans but I live in America. In my culture (Afghanistan) the parents live with the son or daughter For life. The idea is your parents need you when they are elderly, and it is your duty to take care of huge a s they took care of you. That's means your wife and parents and kids all in there same house. A large family indeed. That is probably what I will be doing. I will be living with my parents until I am established enough to get my own place, then I will marry. Never could I allow either of my parents to go to nursing homes.
What usually happens with your siblings ? They move out to their own house or do they live with you ?

I don't think that americans and other westerners turn their back on their parents.
They simply move out of the house and they start their own household.

In some traditional cultures, whole families stick together and it seems that no one ever moves away.

In other cultures you have one of the children (eldest daughter, youngest brother, etc) who's destine to stay with the parents at home ( and maybe never marry). In some other cultures, like the traditional culture of England, children were very much expected to move out and to form their own nuclear family.

Look up the terms "nuclear family", "stem family" and "communal family". They're the names of different types of family arrangements.
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