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I have a close friend who just went through a divorce. She was a mess for quite a while, until she joined a divorce support group. It really did help her to move on.
Can anyone speak to whether or not this sort of behavior is a normal reaction to a divorce? Especially an amicable divorce which has been years in the making?
The problem is that you are assuming there is a normal reaction someone should have to a divorce. Divorce, regardless of whether it was coming or not, is a major thing. Regardless of how amicable it is, he's allowed to spend some time depressed about it. He's on his own trying to deal with the problem the best he can. If you start meddling in his business, he's going to end up resenting you. The best thing for you to do is to listen when he wants to talk and be supportive in his decisions. How he processes his emotions isn't up for anyone to decide but him, normal or not.
The problem is that you are assuming there is a normal reaction someone should have to a divorce. Divorce, regardless of whether it was coming or not, is a major thing. Regardless of how amicable it is, he's allowed to spend some time depressed about it. He's on his own trying to deal with the problem the best he can. If you start meddling in his business, he's going to end up resenting you. The best thing for you to do is to listen when he wants to talk and be supportive in his decisions. How he processes his emotions isn't up for anyone to decide but him, normal or not.
I am not trying to meddle, but this reaction is far removed from any I have ever seen from him before. I am worried about him. We have been friends since we were ten, and been through a lot together.
More common is to find the actual divorce-hearing in court to be a point of closure, rather than a watershed for new grief. The typical case is where the husband is blindsided by the divorce notice, which is filed by his wife. They argue and remonstrate. He attempts to convince her to relent, to reel her back by appealing to their common bond, their life together, the investment made mutually into the marriage. She persists, the divorce proceeds, assets are divided, and then comes the hearing. And it’s literally a “hearing”, for hearing the pronouncement made and the gavel drop, offers the finality that months of argument are finally over, and what’s done is done.
This is a rare case. The husband initiates the divorce, not the wife. The husband appears to be taking the whole process in stride, until abruptly collapsing during the divorce hearing.
My own experience – an amicable dissolution, no children, “helpless” wife – followed the classic lines. By all palpable evidence, a storybook marriage – with sudden and shocking revelation by the wife, that we must part – followed by a few months of rancor, followed by filing for dissolution. The hearing was a tremendous relief. We arrived in the courthouse together, sat in the waiting-room together, and left the courthouse together. I reached for her hand, and she didn’t resist. So we were literally holding hands leaving the courtroom, though admittedly her participation was somewhat limp and dispirited. Then began the real pulling away… sporadic meetings, maybe once a month… then once every several months… then never.
Did the OP’s friend have specific cause to separate from his wife (before he met someone new), or was it just his ex-wife’s phlegmatic demeanor? In my case, my ex switched one day from being child-free to deciding that she wants to become a mother. That was a diametric change, and she knew that her new stance would destroy the marriage. If the OP’s friend and his ex-wife never really had a specific point of contention, if they just grew apart, then perhaps paradoxically, this lack of demonstrable point of division will make the separation more difficult.
I’m going to suggest something controversial, something what my fellow Forum regulars will condemn as being wantonly stupid: the OP should take his ex-wife on a dinner-date. Go someplace quiet, someplace elegant. And ask her: “Honey, what went wrong? How did we fail each other? Are we different people now, than when we first met? If so, how? If we changed irreversibly and substantially, then we must indeed grow apart and be apart. But if not, not. The divorce decree is just a piece of paper, just as the marriage certificate was a piece of paper. People are greater than paper, and emotional cohesion is stronger affirmation than any statement officially printed on paper. Let’s reassess.”
A divorce, amicable or otherwise is a formal failure in ones life. The traditional values and expectations that are associated with marriage (e.g. till death do us part, for better or worse, etc.) predetermine that by divorcing you've in some part large or small failed to honor your commitment, even if it was impossible to do. And so this may all be attached to some fundamental belief that he still somehow should have made it work and by finally ending the marriage, failed to do so.
He may also be concerned that he has now left his ex-wife alone and vulnerable, particularly because she struggles with certain issues. Remember, he loved her enough to marry her and that just doesn't go away because things didn't work out.
Be his friend just like you've always been. Keep tabs on him and keep letting him know he's not alone which is really all you can do.
Just read the thread, and I sorta just don't get it.
If the other relationship had been over for some time (without the rubber stamp), and said stamp was only sought because of a "great" relationship with someone else, I don't get it.
Sure, I could picture some feelings of melancholy, or regret, but full-blown depression?
Not to sound insensitive (and I'm not - been through quite enough myself in life to have compassion for others) but I think your friend experienced a genuine emotion at the divorce, and is now enjoying the attention and support he's getting from going through such a "rough" thing.
Sounds to me like he needs a bit of tough love here. He needs to be reminded:
a) He got what he wants
b) His marriage was over
c) He's got a great new person
If he whines and wails about how much he really loved his ex-wife, and he wants her back (not the new person) then we know what the real problem is. However, if he truly wanted the divorce, and truly loves the new person and wants to "take it to the next level", then he needs a kick in the ass.
This is coming from a guy who loves attention, but also needs a kick in the ass.
I guess it's a hard thing to deal with, when my mom finally had enough of my dad's cheating for like 20 years, when she told him she wanted a divorce, he actually got upset... And they didn't have anything amicable in their relationship at all. Even now they can't be together in the same place.
Let your friend grieve, tell him you are there if he needs it, and he'll move on.
Maybe he doesn't tell his new SO because they might not understand and just get annoyed.
A divorce, amicable or otherwise is a formal failure in ones life. The traditional values and expectations that are associated with marriage (e.g. till death do us part, for better or worse, etc.) predetermine that by divorcing you've in some part large or small failed to honor your commitment, even if it was impossible to do. And so this may all be attached to some fundamental belief that he still somehow should have made it work and by finally ending the marriage, failed to do so.
He may also be concerned that he has now left his ex-wife alone and vulnerable, particularly because she struggles with certain issues. Remember, he loved her enough to marry her and that just doesn't go away because things didn't work out.
Be his friend just like you've always been. Keep tabs on him and keep letting him know he's not alone which is really all you can do.
I talked to him this evening and it seems that he is really worried about the ex dealing with life on her own. She has a lot of issues-- from mental to physical health and back again, and though he was absolutely miserable with her, he still feels somewhat responsible for her. He said that he thought divorce would be "freeing" but he still feels like he will never get out from under his ex wife's problems.
For example, she started complaining right after the hearing that she had nothing saved for retirement. He gave her a generous settlement (and he doesn't have a lot) but because she has always worked retail and restaurant, its probably not enough to keep her afloat. She has no savings, has not really taken responsibility for her own life, no reliable friends or family, and zero ambition. Personally, I used to think he was enabling her and that after he left, she would make some changes. But over the past several years I have seen zero differences. Maybe now that it is final, this will start?
I told him to give it time-- that maybe she will find someone new. I think he just feels guilty because he is finally pursuing his own happiness and he isn't used to it.
Divorce is an ending, and its a death in many ways. It takes a while for some people to make their peace.
Sometimes when you have a loved one in very poor health who is dying, even though you expect the end and know it's for the best, the finality of it is still a shock. Divorce can be the same way. There's a grieving process to go through, even if the divorce was desired. It is still a loss.
Knowing something is coming and the actual finality of it are two completely different things.
You think you are prepared because it has been building up for years yet when it actually happens the mourning of it all starts from the beginning.
It is much like death. When someone has cancer and they are terminal and you know without doubt they will die soon.
Mentally and emotionally you "prepare" for the end, the final day, the final breath of their life however, when that moment happens you are no more prepared than you would be if they had been killed in a car crash without warning.
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