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Old 01-24-2014, 07:58 AM
 
12,067 posts, read 6,650,132 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
And, if you're describing yourself as a "Black Sheep" for moving away, I think you're misuing the term. A Black Sheep is someone who brings shame on the family by dishonest or immoral behavior. There is nothing shameful about an adult moving to another state with her spouse to create the life she wants.
In a dysfunctional controlling family moving away IS betrayal, not being under their thumb is the worst thing you can do. My wacko sibling called me "black sheep" for daring to move a half hour away. It's upside down in families like this. You just have to get on with it and understand they are emotionally stunted and the Black Sheep in these families who wants to escape is always the most functional one.
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:03 AM
 
15,254 posts, read 16,790,889 times
Reputation: 25421
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
In a dysfunctional controlling family moving away IS betrayal, not being under their thumb is the worst thing you can do. My wacko sibling called me "black sheep" for daring to move a half hour away. It's upside down in families like this. You just have to get on with it and understand they are emotionally stunted and the Black Sheep in these families who wants to escape is always the most functional one.
I understand that and that the OP feels tremendous guilt for moving away. I'm just wanting her to understand that in a rational world, a 32-year-old adult moving to another state for any reason is not shameful.
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Old 01-24-2014, 02:56 PM
 
4,749 posts, read 3,601,362 times
Reputation: 3225
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollyoxenfree View Post
I noticed a lot of people said they made the choice to move and it was wonderful for them. Question: How did you explain the lack of relations to your children? Do you think they missed out on having an extended family? Did it make them feel like Black Sheep?
You don't explain something to them that's beyond their ability to comprehend. Let them figure it out over time. They'll ask questions, and you can decide what they're ready to know. Don't lie, but don't spare them the whole truth until they're ready for it. Just tell them that they live far away and that time and space make it hard to fit in visits. You need to move and start your own lives without anyone ruining it for you. You owe your family nothing.

It's crazy the games that families can play with each other sometimes. When individual people are angry and bitter about things, they look for people to manipulate because they don't have the confidence to fix their own problems, so rather than doing that, they look to create problems for other, so that they'll 'take them down a notch or two' to their level of self-satisfaction.

I wouldn't know if narcissist is the right word, though there are probably elements of narcissism involved. People who seek to control others typically suffer from swings in their moods and feelings of self-worth. On the outside they might seem confident, but inside they're far from it and need to control. I don't necessarily view your father as a creep, but he is maniacal. I think he pushed away your boyfriends mainly because he just enjoys having that kind of power over you. People become addicted to the power of controlling another person - it's probably as intoxicating as drinking. Take that power away, and they go insane. That's why the time when women an abusive spouse is the most dangerous time, because the dude sees himself as losing control. People like that fear not having control. They need control because otherwise, they assume something bad will happen to them. It's a disease.

My only hope is that you recognize this with your own children. I agree that you need counseling, maybe not so much to guide you through your marriage but so that you'll see these patterns and recognize them before repeating them yourself.

But you have to move. You have to get out of that. Don't let their guilt trip affect you in any way - that's just part of the manipulation process. It's no different than when an abusive boyfriend sulks, cries, and tells the woman he's given bruises to how 'sorry' he is and how much he 'loves' her. It's manipulation. The depression's very real - because it's truly depressing for your father to know he can't control you anymore. He's going through withdrawal symptoms. The question you must ask yourself is, does he have the right to feel that way? Does he have the right to control you? Is he entitled to that? If you respond to his depression, you're validating all of that. Don't do it. His depression and issues are on him, not you. If they put distance between you and play more mental warfare, then that's their decision, not yours. They're the ones who really need counseling here.

I don't know everything, but the thing that I've learned is that people will abuse power if you give it to them; that people will sometimes try to use their position (whether it's a title in a company or a role in the family) against you. You can't control that; you can, however, control how you react. Focus on the reaction. Focus on yourself, not what they're going to do if you do something they don't like. I know it's counter-intuitive, but you have to make the decisions that are best for you, and let them react. The people who are truly worth having in your life understand that and will, to the extent possible, make sure that your interests are their interests. If they don't do that, they're not worth your time. Keep the door open to reconciliation, but not manipulation. Best of luck.
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Old 01-24-2014, 03:00 PM
 
4,749 posts, read 3,601,362 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
In a dysfunctional controlling family moving away IS betrayal, not being under their thumb is the worst thing you can do. My wacko sibling called me "black sheep" for daring to move a half hour away. It's upside down in families like this. You just have to get on with it and understand they are emotionally stunted and the Black Sheep in these families who wants to escape is always the most functional one.
Yes, this is so true. You've nailed the dynamics with pinpoint precision here. The family, particularly the father, wants control. He's addicted to it. The family has its own law, and she's violated the law of the little 'kingdom.' So she's the black sheep.
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Old 01-24-2014, 03:04 PM
 
4,749 posts, read 3,601,362 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
At the risk of stirring up a can of worms, what kind of wedding are you planning? If I were you, I'd elope, or have a very small, spur-of-the-moment ceremony. Based on what you've described, I shudder to think how your father would act during the planning and execution of a traditional wedding.
Yes! Elope, or simply have your friends, your husband's family in the wedding, and nobody else. Weddings are overrated.
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Old 01-24-2014, 05:54 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,947 posts, read 17,249,607 times
Reputation: 41005
Quote:
Originally Posted by bilmin View Post
Wow and to think I found this thread by accident--- I am your father (not really but I feel like him) The worst mistake you could make is to move away for the reasons you state. Not that you are such a good deal but you will be denying your parents of the pleasure of their grand children and that is what we all live for... I did many of the things you "accuse" your father of as my daughter was growing up and she married somebody I would not have picked for her but you know what it is not my call--- At this point in my life if I see her a lot or see her a little it does not matter that much but deny me 5 minutes time with my little baby (grand daughter 4 yrs old) and I go crazy.... that is the sadness you see in your parents face it is not for you or your husband believe me.
You post sounds even creepier and more mentally disturbed the more that I read it.

"All you live for" are your grandchildren????

"I don't care if I see my daughter or not as long as I get to see MY LITTLE BABY!" Yikes! Your granddaughter is not YOUR little baby, she is your grand daughter.

If I knew someone whose parents talked like that I would suggest that they move far, far away and drastically limit their contact with their children.

BTW Bilmin, did you and you spouse only have children so that your parents would have grandchildren?
Didn't you care when your parents threw you aside to only spend time with your children? Sheesh.

Maybe you didn't mean what you wrote, but what you did write was pretty disturbing to read.
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Old 01-24-2014, 06:25 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,985 posts, read 14,640,482 times
Reputation: 14868
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
You post sounds even creepier and more mentally disturbed the more that I read it.

"All you live for" are your grandchildren????

"I don't care if I see my daughter or not as long as I get to see MY LITTLE BABY!" Yikes! Your granddaughter is not YOUR little baby, she is your grand daughter.

If I knew someone whose parents talked like that I would suggest that they move far, far away and drastically limit their contact with their children.

BTW Bilmin, did you and you spouse only have children so that your parents would have grandchildren?
Didn't you care when your parents threw you aside to only spend time with your children? Sheesh.

Maybe you didn't mean what you wrote, but what you did write was pretty disturbing to read.
I wouldn't put too much into it. I read some of his other posts (trying to understand someone that would make such weird comments) - and it appears he just looks for people to take potshots at. My guess is he is unemployed and living in his parents' basement - and makes snarky comments in order to feel better about himself.
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Old 01-24-2014, 06:35 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,947 posts, read 17,249,607 times
Reputation: 41005
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheryjohns View Post
I wouldn't put too much into it. I read some of his other posts (trying to understand someone that would make such weird comments) - and it appears he just looks for people to take potshots at. My guess is he is unemployed and living in his parents' basement - and makes snarky comments in order to feel better about himself.
I'm glad to hear that. I'll try to remember the name. His post was seriously creepy.
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Old 01-24-2014, 11:48 PM
 
1 posts, read 671 times
Reputation: 10
You need to get far far away from them. You will never be able to please them or meet their unfair and bizarre expectations of you. Don't even try.
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Old 01-25-2014, 12:48 AM
 
Location: Maryland
158 posts, read 185,815 times
Reputation: 196
Get the heck OUT, NOW and don't look back. Your father's feelings for you were and are very, very, inappropriate. Your mother knew that he thought of you as his girlfriend/wife in an emotional way and probably wished it went beyond that. Of course she was jealous of you! Your father wanted to be with you much more than he wanted to be with her. He was competing with your boyfriends! Your father is sick, sick, sick. Get the heck away from these crazy people! And do not let your children ever be around them. Heaven forbid your father transfers his sick obession with you to your daughter. Don't give him a chance to do that!
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