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Old 01-29-2014, 02:20 PM
 
Location: The #1 sunshine state, Arizona.
10,757 posts, read 8,872,664 times
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Next time he tries to play that game say, "Give the gift that keeps on giving, guilt!"
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Old 01-29-2014, 02:28 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
6,930 posts, read 7,006,701 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollyoxenfree View Post
Oh man, you don't know my parents! Perhaps I will learn how to deal with this in therapy, but as of right now, I know there is NO quicker way to suffer the worst of my parents' wrath than to tell either one of them there will be no further discussion on a matter. I would completely expect that after a declaration like that, they'd hang up the phone, book the first flight to where I'm living and physically take my children back home with them, just to make their point. None of my siblings cross them when it comes to their demands to spend time with their children. Hell, it took my brother four years to work up the courage to tell my dad he was spending that year's Thanksgiving with his wife's family.
I was on your side until I got to this post - then you lost me. If you would allow your kids to be kidnapped, a felony BTW, then you definitely should not even think of getting married until you complete therapy. Obviously, you are not ready to put down even the most tenuous boundaries.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollyoxenfree View Post
Good point. When I wrote that I was thinking of the two times they showed up to my college campus unannounced, which was an 8 hour drive or hour and a half plane ride away. All of those times, I had either said something along the lines of "this is not up for discussion" or stopped responding to calls for awhile because I knew it was just going to be a screaming match and I couldn't handle it. Even now, my father will demand to know where I'm at if I am not at home. I'm aware it is not normal, but that knee-jerk obedience is hard to turn off. I am confident, however, that practice will make perfect

You are 32????
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Old 01-29-2014, 02:29 PM
 
50 posts, read 16,740 times
Reputation: 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
With time and therapy, your parents will not loom so large in your imagination. Not that I doubt what you're saying or that they might try to do that, but by the time you become a parent you'll know that ANYONE who shows up at your house thinking they'll take your children anywhere without your permission will be facing at the very least a slammed door and most likely prosecution and a jail sentence.

Your parents are just two very flawed human people--not villains with superpowers. It is well within your power to run your own life and that of your family the way you want to with zero input from your parents. You just have to realize that.
Oh and by the way, my parents already DO show up to my siblings' doors with the full (and realized) expectation of taking home their grandchildren for the weekend, sometimes unannounced. It's "normal" behavior as far as my family is concerned. Their spouses have learned that complaining or trying to resist is not worth the drama. Knowing how abusive either of my parents can get when they are "pushed" to that level, I understand why the in-laws want to keep the peace, especially since no one wants their neighbors to hear people screaming, dishes/household goods being broken, children crying, dogs barking like mad because of the screaming, etc. That has happened (thankfully only once, that I know of at least) and after that my brother's wife never (openly) challenged my mother again--now she goes through my brother if there is an issue. This was six years ago, and things have mellowed out since then, but my point is extreme behavior is not out of the question. The only saving grace is that my parents are aging, and their ability to physically intimidate anyone is quickly diminishing. They've also cut down on the screaming, throwing things, etc. A few days of silent treatment, bad-mouthing, threats of disinheritance or socially ostracizing people in disfavor is more the order of the day for those who cross them.
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Old 01-29-2014, 02:34 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
10,749 posts, read 8,146,152 times
Reputation: 17517
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollyoxenfree View Post
Oh and by the way, my parents already DO show up to my siblings' doors with the full (and realized) expectation of taking home their grandchildren for the weekend, sometimes unannounced. It's "normal" behavior as far as my family is concerned. Their spouses have learned that complaining or trying to resist is not worth the drama. Knowing how abusive either of my parents can get when they are "pushed" to that level, I understand why the in-laws want to keep the peace, especially since no one wants their neighbors to hear people screaming, dishes/household goods being broken, children crying, dogs barking like mad because of the screaming, etc. That has happened (thankfully only once, that I know of at least) and after that my brother's wife never (openly) challenged my mother again--now she goes through my brother if there is an issue. This was six years ago, and things have mellowed out since then, but my point is extreme behavior is not out of the question. The only saving grace is that my parents are aging, and their ability to physically intimidate anyone is quickly diminishing. They've also cut down on the screaming, throwing things, etc. A few days of silent treatment, bad-mouthing, threats of disinheritance or socially ostracizing people in disfavor is more the order of the day for those who cross them.
Y'all would not allow strangers to treat you this way. You would call the police.
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Old 01-29-2014, 02:40 PM
 
50 posts, read 16,740 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
That's some real craziness there. You're 32, right? It's way past time to spread those wings and fly.
Yes, I know. It is very embarrassing, which is why I did not really want to discuss those things with my therapist, but now I feel it is far more important that things get better in my life, so if admitting that I'm struggling with certain things means I appear pathetic, so be it.

My upstairs neighbor told me this phrase that I love (that she said she got from Dr. Phil): you can't change what you don't acknowledge. I think that's been a big part of the problem in the past, so I'm addressing it.
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Old 01-29-2014, 02:47 PM
 
50 posts, read 16,740 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cheryjohns View Post
I was on your side until I got to this post - then you lost me. If you would allow your kids to be kidnapped, a felony BTW, then you definitely should not even think of getting married until you complete therapy. Obviously, you are not ready to put down even the most tenuous boundaries.




You are 32????
Did not express myself correctly.. No, I would not allow mine or anyone else's children to be kidnapped. I meant I would expect them to fly down and try to take my children, meaning that simply saying "this discussion is over" would not make the discussion over--those types of words make the situation escalate, not the other way around. I did not mean to say that they would get their way.
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Old 01-29-2014, 02:51 PM
 
50 posts, read 16,740 times
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Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
Y'all would not allow strangers to treat you this way. You would call the police.
You are absolutely correct.
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Old 01-29-2014, 03:03 PM
 
657 posts, read 264,087 times
Reputation: 1026
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollyoxenfree View Post
Oh and by the way, my parents already DO show up to my siblings' doors with the full (and realized) expectation of taking home their grandchildren for the weekend, sometimes unannounced. It's "normal" behavior as far as my family is concerned. Their spouses have learned that complaining or trying to resist is not worth the drama. Knowing how abusive either of my parents can get when they are "pushed" to that level, I understand why the in-laws want to keep the peace, especially since no one wants their neighbors to hear people screaming, dishes/household goods being broken, children crying, dogs barking like mad because of the screaming, etc. That has happened (thankfully only once, that I know of at least) and after that my brother's wife never (openly) challenged my mother again--now she goes through my brother if there is an issue. This was six years ago, and things have mellowed out since then, but my point is extreme behavior is not out of the question. The only saving grace is that my parents are aging, and their ability to physically intimidate anyone is quickly diminishing. They've also cut down on the screaming, throwing things, etc. A few days of silent treatment, bad-mouthing, threats of disinheritance or socially ostracizing people in disfavor is more the order of the day for those who cross them.
Um yeah, I'd like to see the day my mother in law (or mother) came to get my kids for the weekend like that. There would be cops, but it would probably be an assault charge on me.
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Old 01-29-2014, 03:13 PM
 
7,170 posts, read 7,267,325 times
Reputation: 10122
You shouldn't be embarrassed by any of it, but it is time to deal with it.

I realize that dysfunction is attracted to dysfunction and that your siblings have chosen spouses who they must have known on some level would acquiesce, but I'm just trying to wrap my head around two adults willingly allowing two other adults to behave the way you say your parents behave. I'm glad your fiance wants to move far away.

My sister-in-law (husband's sister) has mental health issues and lives on the other side of the country. We tried to have a relationship with her, but two out of the four times we got together, she ended up cussing us out in a fit of rage over things that simply were not a big deal. So... we haven't seen her in almost 10 years and have no intention of ever seeing her again. She treated her daughter the same way and her daughter moved out, joined the Air Force and hasn't seen her mom in 5 years. My SIL's other daughter has also cut off contact after her mother visited her and pitched an enormous fit over something stupid on the day her daughter delivered her baby.

I'm not judging you, but it's incomprehensible to me that someone would allow another person to treat them like ***** more than once or twice. I know it's how you grew up, but there's a whole, big, happy world out there where people aren't crazy and I hope you join it soon.
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Old 01-29-2014, 03:16 PM
 
5,340 posts, read 5,643,787 times
Reputation: 4118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollyoxenfree View Post
Oh and by the way, my parents already DO show up to my siblings' doors with the full (and realized) expectation of taking home their grandchildren for the weekend, sometimes unannounced. It's "normal" behavior as far as my family is concerned. Their spouses have learned that complaining or trying to resist is not worth the drama. Knowing how abusive either of my parents can get when they are "pushed" to that level, I understand why the in-laws want to keep the peace, especially since no one wants their neighbors to hear people screaming, dishes/household goods being broken, children crying, dogs barking like mad because of the screaming, etc. That has happened (thankfully only once, that I know of at least) and after that my brother's wife never (openly) challenged my mother again--now she goes through my brother if there is an issue. This was six years ago, and things have mellowed out since then, but my point is extreme behavior is not out of the question. The only saving grace is that my parents are aging, and their ability to physically intimidate anyone is quickly diminishing. They've also cut down on the screaming, throwing things, etc. A few days of silent treatment, bad-mouthing, threats of disinheritance or socially ostracizing people in disfavor is more the order of the day for those who cross them.
I don't think you realize just how demoralizing it is for a wife to have such a husband who can't stand up against his meddling, overbearing mother. It should've served as a clue then that perhaps your siblings didn't have it as easy ("have it normal")-- that it was just as hard for them even if it was implemented differently. I'm willing to bet that your siblings see your willingness/ability to flout and defy your parents as a result from your "favored" status-- that you never got to experience as harsh a consequence that they did.

It shouldn't be referred as a "saving grace" that your parents are aging to a point they cannot physically impose... Their tactics are still abusive, even if it's not physical.
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