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Old 01-22-2014, 08:01 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 66,928,139 times
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I agree with others - therapy could be helpful in setting boundaries and processing that you are not responsible for your parent's behaviors or their acting out about your moving on with your life.

The bottom line is . . . whatever is the dynamic between your parents, it is not your issue. They would MAKE it your issue if they could but obviously, you are aware of the dysfunction and have taken steps to remove yourself.

Your mother's ugly words about you being a user, etc. were her way of trying to control you. And, to some extent, it did impact you and you are still distressed over it. Just keep in mind - this really has nothing to do with you - it is all about you as her daughter (not as a real person). She and your father have objectified you and feel they "bought" not only the power to control you, but your loyalty. The gifts were offsets against any bad behaviors on either or both of their parts. They wanted to keep you indebted so you would never "disobey" them or think for yourself.

It may be you are actually the glue that keeps their marriage together. Strange dynamics can occur in marriages. Your mother may have felt threatened by you as much as she felt jealous. Who knows? Marriages are complicated but in the end . . . their marriage is theirs . . . and even though you are the product of that union, your life is yours, not theirs. Just keep that in mind and don't let yourself be dragged down by their pathologies.
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Old 01-22-2014, 08:09 PM
 
56 posts, read 48,423 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe View Post
Your father's behavior was definitely grooming and its very creepy. It'd do a lot of good to have lots of space from that.

I don't know if it's the case they're really good at pushing buttons, or if it's that you're "weak minded" (and seriously get over it and so being so hard on yourself). I have to ask: What were your expectations before you broke the news to your parents?
I agree about the grooming, but he never made a move of that nature, so it just makes his behavior all the more bewildering. I just stopped putting energy into making sense of his behavior years ago. The man is an enigma to me.

The last three years have been much better than the 28 years that preceded them; at the behest of my now-fiance I was in therapy until my doc retired this fall (I still haven't found a new one). I made a lot of progress personally and in my relationship with my parents--we were actually able to have discussions that didn't end with them screaming and me in tears. They also seemed to respect me more because I had established and have been enforcing boundaries, so if they wanted to see me they had to behave. We've even gotten together and done some fun things as a family (which never would have happened before). I thought they were really changing--that's one of the reasons I didn't move earlier. So, I was expecting the newer, healthier interactions we've been having as of late to continue. However, last week was as if the last three years never even happened. Well, at least now I know they haven't changed; they're just getting better at hiding how they really are.
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Old 01-22-2014, 08:14 PM
 
Location: Jollity Farm
254 posts, read 318,582 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
OK hands up who actually read all that.
I did. And if you couldn't be bothered to read it, why bother saying so?
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Old 01-22-2014, 08:18 PM
 
56 posts, read 48,423 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
No, it's simple.

He's a textbook narcissist.

You need intensive counseling. You also need to understand that you will NEVER change their way of thinking.

Part of your extreme anxiety stems from the fact that you are, and have been for a while, mourning the fact that your parents were MUCH less than ideal. Unfortunately, that is the luck of the draw.

It's a shame that the little girl you did not get the parenting she needed and deserved. Now you as an adult need to figure out how to finish raising yourself so YOU can be a better parent than you had.
I don't really know much about it, but I thought narcissists are all about themselves to the exclusion of others? Wouldn't a narcissistic parent be the kind that ignores their whole family so they can go off and do whatever it is they want (the kind who acts like he or she is single with no responsibilities)? It seems my dad was the exact opposite--- all of his time outside of work was spent on me.

Yes, I am definitely not done with therapy, unfortunately. I'm waiting until we move to find a new one.
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Old 01-22-2014, 08:19 PM
 
7,344 posts, read 13,148,674 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollyoxenfree View Post
I thought they were really changing--that's one of the reasons I didn't move earlier. So, I was expecting the newer, healthier interactions we've been having as of late to continue. However, last week was as if the last three years never even happened. Well, at least now I know they haven't changed; they're just getting better at hiding how they really are.
See, there you go. It's really that disappointment that's weighing you down.
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Old 01-22-2014, 08:30 PM
 
56 posts, read 48,423 times
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Again my sincere apologies everyone for the length of the original post! I put a warning in the very first paragraph but I guess it was missed; perhaps it should be in bold.
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Old 01-22-2014, 08:34 PM
 
Location: Jollity Farm
254 posts, read 318,582 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollyoxenfree View Post
Again my sincere apologies everyone for the length of the original post! I put a warning in the very first paragraph but I guess it was missed; perhaps it should be in bold.
Don't worry about those people.
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Old 01-22-2014, 08:36 PM
 
Location: Jollity Farm
254 posts, read 318,582 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollyoxenfree View Post
I don't really know much about it, but I thought narcissists are all about themselves to the exclusion of others? Wouldn't a narcissistic parent be the kind that ignores their whole family so they can go off and do whatever it is they want
Not necessarily. What many of them get off on is the emotional control they have over others.
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Old 01-22-2014, 08:41 PM
 
Location: Jollity Farm
254 posts, read 318,582 times
Reputation: 299
I posted these on another thread, give them a looksie.

Contents of What Makes Narcissists Tick - Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder - NPD

Luke 17:3 Ministries Inc For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families
Really really good resource. There is a lot of religious reference, if its not your thing just skip that part. The rest is really worth it.

Well, crap...my links didn't work....lemme work on that

http://web.archive.org/web/200804190...te_content.htm

http://www.luke173ministries.org/

There we go
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Old 01-22-2014, 08:43 PM
 
7,344 posts, read 13,148,674 times
Reputation: 8868
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollyoxenfree View Post
I don't really know much about it, but I thought narcissists are all about themselves to the exclusion of others? Wouldn't a narcissistic parent be the kind that ignores their whole family so they can go off and do whatever it is they want (the kind who acts like he or she is single with no responsibilities)? It seems my dad was the exact opposite--- all of his time outside of work was spent on me.
It's called extension. For whatever reason your father obviously saw you (but not his other kids) as an extension of himself.
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