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Old 01-22-2014, 08:44 PM
 
56 posts, read 48,475 times
Reputation: 75

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Three Wolves In Snow View Post
OP, every time that you feel guilty, imagine continuing to live your life in that type of environment. You already hated it, you don't have to do it anymore....so why would you?

Their problems are NOT your problem. You are now an adult, ready to get started on your own life...allow yourself to have that life.

And yes, I read all of it.
That's a great suggestion--I actually just DID think about it for a split second and had a very negative visceral reaction. I guess the "progress" in communicating with one another that I thought we had all made in the last three years wasn't much after all.

Still, it's a big loss to accept. My fiance's sister had her second baby a few months ago and there was all of this happy family around her, excited about a new addition to the family, asking her if she needed help with anything, etc. The energy was genuinely caring and positive. I wanted that scene badly, but I guess it isn't in the cards.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 01-22-2014, 09:05 PM
 
56 posts, read 48,475 times
Reputation: 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
OK got the first and last paragraphs.

OP - I literally left own, then left the country!!!! to get away from my toxic crew.

Then I tried a couple of years later thinking my newborn baby girl might make them more like human beings - WRONG! They just included her in their abuse.

My baby is now 21 and met them much later on. She didn't like them surprise! So now they have faded entirely into irrelevance.

You can't choose your family. Vile people have kids too unfortunately for the kid.

Your parents wouldn't dream of treating someone else's child like they treat you I bet. Break the cycle get as far away as you can and don't look back.
How did you explain the absence of extended family to your daughter? Did you feel guilty about her not really knowing her cousins? Did you ever ask her if it made her feel left out that so many others kids have Grandmas and Grandpas, aunts and uncles spoiling them?

Believe it or not, my parents are looked up to in their church and the community. Tons of people ask for either marriage advice (they've been married for almost 40 years) or their advice on raising such "successful" children. Even more would tell my siblings and I how lucky we were to have such devoted and loving parents. I bet you'd never guess how they really are behind closed doors if you met them. It really messes with a child's head when they're told for years (by people they trust and look up to, like teachers or adults in the church!) that he or she should feel lucky to have parents like theirs. I grew up thinking something was wrong with me because instead of being thankful like everyone said I should be I was resentful and depressed.

Last edited by Mollyoxenfree; 01-22-2014 at 09:49 PM..
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Old 01-22-2014, 09:20 PM
 
56 posts, read 48,475 times
Reputation: 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
She and your father have objectified you and feel they "bought" not only the power to control you, but your loyalty. The gifts were offsets against any bad behaviors on either or both of their parts. They wanted to keep you indebted so you would never "disobey" them or think for yourself.
Wow; you've managed to completely sum them up in a few sentences (wish I could do as good a job with the brevity lol). I hate that word, "indebted", but it's probably because I know that's exactly how I feel, and it's the source of all of that turmoil I've worked so hard in therapy to manage. This whole recent incident has made me feel completely unwound.



Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
It may be you are actually the glue that keeps their marriage together. Strange dynamics can occur in marriages. Your mother may have felt threatened by you as much as she felt jealous. Who knows? Marriages are complicated but in the end . . . their marriage is theirs . . . and even though you are the product of that union, your life is yours, not theirs. Just keep that in mind and don't let yourself be dragged down by their pathologies.
EEeeeekk; I hope not! That's as creepy as the concept of my father "grooming" me.
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Old 01-22-2014, 09:23 PM
 
56 posts, read 48,475 times
Reputation: 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe View Post
See, there you go. It's really that disappointment that's weighing you down.
Yes, but people do change if there's something important enough for them to do it. And, in theory, there are few things more important than maintaining a good relationship with one's family, right? Three years of steady improvement in relations, down the drain in one lousy evening. Who wouldn't be disappointed by that?

Last edited by Mollyoxenfree; 01-22-2014 at 09:46 PM..
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Old 01-22-2014, 09:25 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,013,065 times
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I read the whole thing. I can't diagnose your father except "super creepy." I totally see your mother's jealousy. He was treating you like he should have been treating her.

Often in this forum people are advised to cut all ties with toxic family members. I always think that advice is over kill... Except in your case. I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd transferred to a different college and not told them where you were. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. People move away all the time, and for much less than you have been through.

I understand the guilt. I moved away from my family and got a major guilt trip from my mom. I still sometimes feel bad, but we did what we thought was best for our family. Please go and don't let them continue to ruin your life!
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Old 01-22-2014, 09:36 PM
 
56 posts, read 48,475 times
Reputation: 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by thesefourwalls View Post
I posted these on another thread, give them a looksie.

Contents of What Makes Narcissists Tick - Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder - NPD

Luke 17:3 Ministries Inc For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families
Really really good resource. There is a lot of religious reference, if its not your thing just skip that part. The rest is really worth it.

Well, crap...my links didn't work....lemme work on that

Contents of What Makes Narcissists Tick - Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder - NPD

Luke 17:3 Ministries Inc For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families

There we go
Oh man, this is a great site! I will be up for a few hours, starting with this section: Birth-Family Abuses of Adult Daughters. I also sent it to my fiance; it articulates some things much better than I could to him.

Thank you VERY much!
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Old 01-22-2014, 09:38 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,804 posts, read 41,495,107 times
Reputation: 82294
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollyoxenfree View Post
I don't really know much about it, but I thought narcissists are all about themselves to the exclusion of others? Wouldn't a narcissistic parent be the kind that ignores their whole family so they can go off and do whatever it is they want (the kind who acts like he or she is single with no responsibilities)? It seems my dad was the exact opposite--- all of his time outside of work was spent on me.

Yes, I am definitely not done with therapy, unfortunately. I'm waiting until we move to find a new one.
It is all about them, and so must you be.

Read this:

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Dr. Karyl McBride: 9781439129432: Amazon.com: Books

Their love is conditional. It is only given when you do what they consider is right. It is all about themselves INCLUDING others and how they can make you do what they want by manipulating you, withholding, and chipping away at your self-esteem.

When it's done over a lifetime, it takes professional help to correct.
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Old 01-22-2014, 10:42 PM
 
7,363 posts, read 13,188,326 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollyoxenfree View Post
Yes, but people do change if there's something important enough for them to do it. And, in theory, there are few things more important than maintaining a good relationship with one's family, right? Three years of steady improvement in relations, down the drain in one lousy evening. Who wouldn't be disappointed by that?
I'll admit that my nature is always to be suspicious as people don't... really change. I've also had enough experience of having the rug pulled out from under me... and it's always worse when I just don't expect it at all (even when the other person really didn't deserve the benefit of doubt).

Just because "there's something important enough" doesn't mean it will propel a true change. It's a complex process, this one link explains the process of change: Can People Change? The Ten Change Requirements. The bigger picture would be to look at your parents and ask if they have the fortitude to change. Honestly to me, just from the first post on how you describe them (plus the sibling dynamics), I would not have bet the house on it.
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Old 01-22-2014, 10:51 PM
 
Location: Out West
22,623 posts, read 16,743,701 times
Reputation: 26197
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollyoxenfree View Post
That's a great suggestion--I actually just DID think about it for a split second and had a very negative visceral reaction. I guess the "progress" in communicating with one another that I thought we had all made in the last three years wasn't much after all.

Still, it's a big loss to accept. My fiance's sister had her second baby a few months ago and there was all of this happy family around her, excited about a new addition to the family, asking her if she needed help with anything, etc. The energy was genuinely caring and positive. I wanted that scene badly, but I guess it isn't in the cards.

Thanks for reading.
But it IS in the cards for you. It may not come from your own parents, but if that was the experience of your fiance's sister, then it means that his family, which will soon be your own, will give you that which you seek and crave.

Family members do not always have to be blood relatives, you know.
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Old 01-23-2014, 05:05 AM
 
Location: Canada
5,711 posts, read 4,136,714 times
Reputation: 15349
You were brought up to feel guilty if you didn't do exactly what your father asked you to do. When you did, he was nice and gave you gifts, when you didn't you were punished.

As an adult you are now able to see through your father, his control over you and why he gave you gifts... so you were made to feel that you OWED him to obey. Your mother is obviously under his control too, and although she is jealous of the way he feels about you, realize that she has been wired (by him) to clone him and stand by HIS word. Controlling men seek out submissive women and that is what your mother is. He conquered her and he was able to conquer you as a child. Well, you grew up and now you see the whole picture. He is angry because you have a mind and life of your own. He won't give up trying, but YOU are in control of your own life now.


Let me say CONGRATULATIONS to you for being engaged and BE PROUD of yourself for breaking away, even if those guilty feelings follow you. You will eventually feel less guilty as you settle into your new life. Stay in touch with your parents, go visit them occasionally, and when he or they start into you about any issues, (which they will) just smile inside and remember that you can pack up and go back to your happy home, away from their clutches.


Last of all, seek a qualified therapist in your new location to help you through the rough times.
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