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Mindue, I know EXACTLY what you're going through! I am a 32 yr old English woman and a year ago I came to Texas to live with my now husband, who is Texan. Due to time and financial reasons, my own family couldn't attend my wedding which was extremely hard on us all, but particularly on my mom. She too has always suffered from depression and I've grown up having had it drummed into me that families should, "always stick together". I too developed depression about 8 yrs ago and this resulted in me losing a good career, a 14 yr-long relationship, and having to sell my beloved home. Coming to America was one of the biggest things I've ever done, and at first, my mom and dad were so proud for me. Until I told them I planned on staying.
My mom is one of the kindest, most generous loving people you could meet. But she can also be extremely self-centred, an attention-seeker and has a persocution complex. I have battled with my own anxiety and depression, but moving here and meeting my husband has helped me beyond belief, but now I'm battling all over again because of the guilt trip my mom and dad are putting on me. Don't get me wrong, they do it in such a subtle way that anyone else would probably just ignore it or laugh it off, but because of how screwed up in the head I've been and the hell I've gone through, it eats away at me until it's all I can think about.
Mom will say things like, "I only want you to be happy", which is great, but when you glance over at her, she's sitting there wringing her hands and looking like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. My dad used to be more outgoing, but even he has started going quiet whenever I mention me living here indefinitely.
What makes it worse is that they're having relationship problems, and when my husband and I went to stay with them for a month early this year, my mom was constantly telling me how much better their relationship was since we'd "breathed new life" into them by just being there. How awful does she think that makes me feel? They don't seem to understand that if hubby and I moved to the UK, we would have to live in one room of their tiny 2 bed house, we'd have no jobs, no car, no money and never be able to afford to come and visit my in-laws. Whereas here, we have our own apartment, an income, a car and money in the bank.
I love my family dearly, I constantly question how I'd feel if one/both of them died - would I regret being so far away from them and not spending more time with them? My only sister is also moving away to another part of England soon, so that's going to be a double whammy for them. Mom loves nothing more than telling me she has, "no one to talk to". I also keep thinking about if/when we have children, and it does break my heart to think that they'd barely get to see their grandchild, but what kind of life would we have????
How do you explain to your parents...people that have loved you, nurtured you, brought you up, bailed you out.. that they're only going to see you once or twice a year at most? It does feel as though I'm saying, "thanks for everything, but I have better things to be doing". I feel so very very depressed and torn right now. We're due to go and stay in the UK for 2 months at Christmas and I am truly dreading it. Everytime I think about it, I start crying and can't stop. I've never ever been very good at opening my heart with my family, and no matter how much I practice what I want to say to them in my head, all I end up doing is losing my temper and storming off or hanging up the phone. My wonderful husband has a great relationship with them, so he has offered to have a talk with them while we're visiting, and just explain how all this is making me feel, and that just because I want to live in the States for the forseeable future, it doesn't mean I love them any less and that by constantly asking me when I'm going, "home", it's making me ill with worry and indecisiveness.
If you have someone close to you and them, a sibling or friend, then perhaps they could take your parents to one side and explain how their guilt trips are making you feel. They DO need to understand that sometimes, you don't have to live around the corner or within visiting distance to love them... but I understand totally that it's the explaining that is sometimes the hardest thing to do.
Good luck to you and all of you others who are in this same horrible predicament.
maybe a psychiatrist could help solve her problems...? Is that so wrong!
Absolutely not, but a psychiatrist probably isn't going to take much time to talk as much as they will just write a prescription. A psychologist would be better.
oh right, well she might need some medication for he irrational guilt but yes, talking with a "psychologist" might help...
Quote:
Originally Posted by j760
Absolutely not, but a psychiatrist probably isn't going to take much time to talk as much as they will just write a prescription. A psychologist would be better.
Well, I was being a tad funny with you. A psychiatrist would be at the extreme, and even a psychologist would be much. Maybe there are counselors who practice on a sliding scale or maybe there are self-help audiobooks you could listen too????....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarah-Jane-Again
Well, I'm sure one could, but as I don't have health insurance at the moment, I figured that it would be extremely pricey (approx $120 per session). I actually went to see some of your responses to other peoples' posts, as I was unsure as to whether you were being sarcastic or giving genuine advice!! I'd love nothing more than to see a shrink or therapist/counseller, but I just can't afford it.
Artsy, "Senior Member" or not, (do you have a brooch or pin with your name and rank on it??), it's rather difficult to ascertain whether you're being genuinely "helpful", or sarcastic. Which is it?
Yes, I am being helpful on my last post. A sliding scale means the counselor will charge minimal amounts so you can afford it, and a self help audio-book is often found at libraries for free....I'm gay and don't know anybody and sometimes will read a self-help book or listen to one. I'm a lonely hermit with friends far and few, I have my own issues. Also being funny isn't going to hurt you any!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarah-Jane-Again
Artsy, "Senior Member" or not, (do you have a brooch or pin with your name and rank on it??), it's rather difficult to ascertain whether you're being genuinely "helpful", or sarcastic. Which is it?
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