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Old 12-01-2007, 08:50 AM
 
1,727 posts, read 1,441,099 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
With their time and energy, that is. My husband and I were both commenting how we feel people are extremely ungenerous these days. Case in point: at work, I have a colleague who has mentioned several times some marriage issues and she seems very lonely. Now, in the past, I would have asked her if she'd like to get together for lunch sometime to chat, and let her know that I'm around if she needs any support. However, since I've been treated so poorly by women so many times in the past few years, I decided not to do that. But it reminded me how people have been so ungenerous towards both me and my husband.

For instance, being newcomers to this city, both my husband and I casually ask people for recommendations on things to do, places to go, and mention that we moved here not knowing anyone--because we're trying to make friends.

No one, and I do mean no one, has ever asked us if we'd like to get together or join them for an activity. Now both my husband and I would do exactly that--if there was a newcomer neighbor or person in our department, we would go out of our way to welcome them and invite them out to do something, because we both know how hard it is to move to a new place not knowing anyone. But no one has been that generous with us. Do they just not think of it?

So both my husband and I have become disappointed with people in general. It's not just how we've been treated on this move, but also over the past few years, when I moved to our last city to be with him, again not knowing anyone when I moved there. I work with several women around my age, and when everyone is discussing their weekend plans, etc. I mention that I'm staying in b/c my husband is working late, etc.--and it's not like they've ever once asked me to to anything with them, even though they know I'm a newcomer and don't know anyone here, because I've mentioned that a few times.

I also enjoy sending old friends and relatives the occasional, "hi, how are you doing?" email to catch up, reconnect and let them know I'm thinking of them, and I can say that I basically never even receive a reply back, even though I think this is a nice gesture and it would be nice if they at least had the decency to respond. So after years of this I stopped doing that, too.

People just don't understand the concept of reciprocation anymore. I used to host dinner parties all the time, until I realized I was never getting return invites. So I stopped hosting dinner parties.

Maybe I've just lived in unfriendly places, but I've noticed this as a general trend.
Hmm, interesting. I have many random thoughts on this subject. One is that I seem to have phases where I am seeking friendships and open to a lot of new friends (like when I have just moved or when I am transitioning, like being a new mom). And then I've gone through very reclusive phases, usually when I wasn't too happy. More typically I am generally open to any new friend, but if I'm more "established" in some setting, I don't try as hard. But I *am* the one who throws a block party to welcome the new neighbor, etc. Of course, right now, it is me.

I have an odd situation right now that I've posted on my local board, as well as the Education board, so I'm just going to give some elements that relate here. We moved here 4 months ago. We are in one of these fantastic neighborhoods where everyone is friendly, there are book groups, bunko, etc. The kids pass back and forth between houses. Etc.

But the school we were supposed to go to was full, so we ended up in a very low income school.

In my neighborhood, ahem, "boundaries" are more loose. We pass out numbers, we get together, we share somewhat personal information (like at a book club, etc.). I have definitely maintained privacy over some areas, but there is some venting, etc. It is wonderful and we were "taken in" immediately.

In my daughter's school, I guess there is complete distrust. I once called the mother of a girl in my daughter's class and left a message introducing myself (she would have known from other things that went home) and asking if we could arrange a play date. She never called back and the daughter said "my mom said she didn't know who that was [who I was]". But the girl begs me every day to call her mom to arrange a play date. I don't know what to say. If the mom doesn't call me back, doesn't come to school events, etc., etc., she probably will never "know who I am".

I digress.

In any case, someone made the point that co-workers are not your friends. I have struggled with this question. But, I do think that work environments are about power and loyalties can turn on a dime. This may or may not be applicable to your original question, but I just wanted to toss in that idea.
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Old 12-01-2007, 09:15 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,104 posts, read 34,533,299 times
Reputation: 16148
Having a dog is a great way to meet people. I see a lot of good socializing in the dog parks between the owners. Of course, it helps to have the right dog as it seems like breed owners tend to gravitate towards each other.

Take a local adult ed course on anything. What about a course on art appreciation where there are field trips to a museum? Lastly, what about volunteer work? If you have a common cause, it's much easier to bond with new people.

Making friends with co-workers is dicey. Typical office politics and you never know who else wanted your job but you got it instead.
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Old 12-01-2007, 09:25 AM
 
6,561 posts, read 12,864,385 times
Reputation: 3165
Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
With their time and energy, that is. My husband and I were both commenting how we feel people are extremely ungenerous these days. Case in point: at work, I have a colleague who has mentioned several times some marriage issues and she seems very lonely. Now, in the past, I would have asked her if she'd like to get together for lunch sometime to chat, and let her know that I'm around if she needs any support. However, since I've been treated so poorly by women so many times in the past few years, I decided not to do that. But it reminded me how people have been so ungenerous towards both me and my husband.

For instance, being newcomers to this city, both my husband and I casually ask people for recommendations on things to do, places to go, and mention that we moved here not knowing anyone--because we're trying to make friends.

No one, and I do mean no one, has ever asked us if we'd like to get together or join them for an activity. Now both my husband and I would do exactly that--if there was a newcomer neighbor or person in our department, we would go out of our way to welcome them and invite them out to do something, because we both know how hard it is to move to a new place not knowing anyone. But no one has been that generous with us. Do they just not think of it?

So both my husband and I have become disappointed with people in general. It's not just how we've been treated on this move, but also over the past few years, when I moved to our last city to be with him, again not knowing anyone when I moved there. I work with several women around my age, and when everyone is discussing their weekend plans, etc. I mention that I'm staying in b/c my husband is working late, etc.--and it's not like they've ever once asked me to to anything with them, even though they know I'm a newcomer and don't know anyone here, because I've mentioned that a few times.

I also enjoy sending old friends and relatives the occasional, "hi, how are you doing?" email to catch up, reconnect and let them know I'm thinking of them, and I can say that I basically never even receive a reply back, even though I think this is a nice gesture and it would be nice if they at least had the decency to respond. So after years of this I stopped doing that, too.

People just don't understand the concept of reciprocation anymore. I used to host dinner parties all the time, until I realized I was never getting return invites. So I stopped hosting dinner parties.

Maybe I've just lived in unfriendly places, but I've noticed this as a general trend.
Wish I had time to answer this, but I have no clue who you are so it really isn't worth putting myself out like that just for your benefit.....















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Old 12-01-2007, 09:48 AM
 
1,727 posts, read 1,441,099 times
Reputation: 388
Quote:
Originally Posted by VAFury View Post
Wish I had time to answer this, but I have no clue who you are so it really isn't worth putting myself out like that just for your benefit.....














Oh, are you joking? Whew.
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Old 12-01-2007, 11:45 AM
 
Location: The #1 sunshine state, Arizona.
12,172 posts, read 15,415,687 times
Reputation: 64031
[quote=VAFury;2137715]Wish I had time to answer this, but I have no clue who you are so it really isn't worth putting myself out like that just for your benefit.....

Never too busy to dish out a bit of sarcasm, why bother?
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Old 12-01-2007, 11:59 AM
 
1,727 posts, read 1,441,099 times
Reputation: 388
[quote=zonababe;2138667]
Quote:
Originally Posted by VAFury View Post
Wish I had time to answer this, but I have no clue who you are so it really isn't worth putting myself out like that just for your benefit.....

Never too busy to dish out a bit of sarcasm, why bother?
Yes VAFury, aren't you supposed to be vacuuming???
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Old 12-01-2007, 11:59 AM
 
Location: In the real world!
2,178 posts, read 8,457,235 times
Reputation: 2788
I personally avoid personal and close contact with people because everyone has problems and they next thing you know, you are dragged into a bunch of problems. I had a 30+ friend that for some reason turned on my (I was not the first person she had done this to) and recently another one that did the same thing.. So I have come to the conclusion, "what's the point?"... Now I have what I call "Surface Friends".. We seem to be friends but are not and never will be close.

I moved to another state many years ago (Louisiana) and found it very difficult in the beginning. People would not accept me because I was different and from such a strange place (Virginia).. I had to just about prove to them that I was human before they accepted me...
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Old 12-01-2007, 12:03 PM
 
1,015 posts, read 3,009,040 times
Reputation: 825
Quote:
Originally Posted by VAFury View Post
Wish I had time to answer this, but I have no clue who you are so it really isn't worth putting myself out like that just for your benefit.....















Perhaps this is what her original post was referring to.
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Old 12-01-2007, 12:09 PM
 
1,727 posts, read 1,441,099 times
Reputation: 388
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laura707 View Post
I personally avoid personal and close contact with people because everyone has problems and they next thing you know, you are dragged into a bunch of problems. I had a 30+ friend that for some reason turned on my (I was not the first person she had done this to) and recently another one that did the same thing.. So I have come to the conclusion, "what's the point?"... Now I have what I call "Surface Friends".. We seem to be friends but are not and never will be close.

I moved to another state many years ago (Louisiana) and found it very difficult in the beginning. People would not accept me because I was different and from such a strange place (Virginia).. I had to just about prove to them that I was human before they accepted me...

There are good people out there, but after you've been burned, you're never the same. [I'm not]. Taking it slowly is probably not a bad thing, but don't lose all faith.
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Old 12-01-2007, 12:30 PM
 
6,561 posts, read 12,864,385 times
Reputation: 3165
[quote=goldenmom7500;2138756]
Quote:
Originally Posted by zonababe View Post

Yes VAFury, aren't you supposed to be vacuuming???
LOL!!! Touche....
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