Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I once got off the phone with someone, after about 30 minutes or so, looked at my husband and said "oh, and I'm fine, too"...that person told me about her kids, her dog, her travel plans then told me she had to go. I was wondering what the point was as she really was just talking AT me.
You reminded me.. I will hear from others while they are driving in their car and are apparently bored, figuring it is an opportunity to "catch up". Then just when I am about to share something myself, they have "reached their destination" and are done with the conversation. I will hear from a cousin when SHE apparently needs to unload - we then have a marathon conversation and then not talk again for a while.
It's nice having a friend who I know is there, just as I am for them. You know you can call whenever, but being mutual and respectful of each other.
Many years ago I had a full house on a daily basis, young mothers with their kids, I was glad of the company at the time as I was living in a new area with no friends and three kids so thought it was a good way for them to meet friends.... sadly I was being used... big time... my mother came in one day and looked around at all these young mothers sitting drinking my coffee and eating the food tjat I couldnt afford... she said to me arent they using you like a cafe and to keep their own homes clean... it hit home.... I realized that none of these mothers ever invited me and my three kids to their house, and saw that these people werent friends at all but users who saw a soft mark to use..... I did have one close friend or what I thought was a good friend but she turned out to be a user too,, her husband worked nights so she would come uninvited to my home at the weekends when I had family in and didnt seem to notice that she was in the way....I would never do anything like that to anyone.... so I had to take a long hard look at myself and yes it was a lot of blame on my own side for being a softy..... Now I like on my own or with my husband.... and apart from my own close family I dont have visitors much.. it tires me out and I like time to myself now that im older..... I dont invite neighbours in either as this ends up in gossip about other neighbours and that sort of talk doesnt interest me, and only leads to trouble...and gives me stress,. maybe I have become anti social, but I dont care... Im happy being let alone, it suits me and Im doing no harm...
I'm sorry you were being used, sounds awful, but glad you realized and put a stop to it. This is one of the reasons I really don't host at my house - I know in a lot of cases people (especially in-laws) would be using me. I still remember for my husbands 40th I wouldn't have a party for this reason, but went out to eat. His family is very much the using type, and don't bother with us any other time. Wouldn't you know his family tagged along and let me with a few hundred dollar food bill!
That's because I learned a very valuable lesson when I was twenty-two. I learned the difference between "friend" and "acquaintance." The word "friend" has become debased currency in our language when it really should have power to it.
My father fell ill very suddenly when I was 22 and then died a week later. It was a traumatic event for the family, one that affected not just our lives as a family but my mother's financial wellbeing. The shocking thing to me was how, of all my "friends" that I hung out with for years, only one of them called or came to the funeral. The rest just disappeared, only bobbing to the surface a week or two later with some weak, "Oh, so sorry about your Dad."
Mind you, had any of their fathers died, I would have come to their funeral, for that's what friends do. The one guy who showed? He is my very good friend to this day, and I would walk through fire for him.
I may not have learned that lesson in such a harsh way when I was that young, but it was evident with friends from high school as we transitioned to college. But then, I REALLY learned that lesson when I got cancer at 33. Very similar to you, most of my "friends" just disappeared...those "I'm sorry's" just don't cover it when there was blatant dismissing going on! I'm sorry you had that happen so early in life... and so suddenly.
I get that people get wrapped up in their lives but the level of self-absorbency seems to have grown more each decade...(I guess getting older makes it seem so dire sometimes...idk ) And as I was stuck in some seriously AWFUL traffic yesterday, I wondered if that behavior translates to driving. Seriously... those people who have no clue that you would also like to share or participate in conversations are the same ones who run red lights, stop at green lights to finish texts, drive in the middle of two lanes... OMG... IT'S EVERYWHERE....
These days, everyone is struggling to reach out and be heard. Sometimes the ones we think are self-centered are feeling the same as you, so deprived of the sense that someone out there is really listening that they bend every ear they can. They've found their listener in you. You need to find that for yourself in someone, it just may not be them. Everyone can't be both a sender and receiver. Some are really only good at one or the other.
Also keep in mind that people often consume themselves with the trivial aspects of their lives to divert their attention from the deeper issues they don't want to address and rambling to other people is a safety net, allowing them to rope others into that diversion. The next time someone is rambling a mile a minute about their job and their dog and their shoes and their yard and their butthole, interrupt and say, "But are you happy? Is everything okay?" See what they say.
Then, some people really are self-absorbed d-cks and you know what's great about them? You can walk away while they're talking to you (see; having a conversation with themselves in your direction) and they ultimately won't even care.
I think people are fun. Of course no one ever pays attention to anything someone else says, they are all wrapped up in their own drama. I was at a gathering and everyone yacking about this and that. One asked me how things were going with me and I replied, "I started using heroin and am a male prostitute now to support my drug habit". Without a blink, the reply to that was, "Cool so anyway, me and" ... blah blah blah.
Make a game out of it, you'll love being around people.
Good point - I actually have to think, what constitutes real conversation anymore? I think it has been so long I seriously forgot...Maybe this can be for another thread?
After I wrote that I gave it some real thought, trying to remember the last REAL conversation I had with anyone. Guess what...can't remember. Other than the people I work with the only people I really talk to are family. My mom, nephew and his wife who also live on the property. I thought about me and my mom but, no, we don't actually have conversations either. She is a talker, can and does talk to everybody and can hold a 1/2 hour conversation with a stranger at the grocery store any day of the week. lol So, you don't talk with my mom, you listen. Once in a while I'll try and what I'll get is, "Well, yes, but..." and back to her topic. She's old and cute though so we forgive her. Even so, it would be nice to have a friend of two to really talk to. My best friend ever died of cancer about ten years ago and I still miss her and our talks about how to cure the ills of the world.
Although, some family members do it, too...so there's another instance where it's difficult to "move on". Overall though, I've also distanced myself from the self-absorbed and the me/me/me types. I once got off the phone with someone, after about 30 minutes or so, looked at my husband and said "oh, and I'm fine, too"...that person told me about her kids, her dog, her travel plans then told me she had to go. I was wondering what the point was as she really was just talking AT me.
Ugh! That kind of thing drives me batty! People like that don't want friends as much as they want an audience.
I've actually spent time in the past observing and being really careful with my interactions with people and a huge majority of people only want to bloviate about themselves.
Not all of course, but enough to cause me to do this half the time.
I've actually spent time in the past observing and being really careful with my interactions with people and a huge majority of people only want to bloviate about themselves.
Not all of course, but enough to cause me to do this half the time.
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen Covey
Well since i last responded to this thread I've run to yet another such person, who goes on and on forever about himself and how wonderful he really is, talking over me if I try to say anything and even yelling at me to let him finish his self-absorbed monologue. I met him online, while looking for others who shared my interests, and we did seem to have those in common, so after emailing for a while we started talking on the phone. Big mistake!
Every conversation would quickly be steered into how great he was in every possible way, how he has advantages over everyone else, what a great leader he is, how sought after he is, how the women fight over him, how he fits right into other cultures, what amazing insight he has into others, etc, etc. etc.... and it got terribly wearisome to be stuck on the phone with him. Any time I tried to open my mouth and say something he'd just start right up again, talking over me and going on about himself again.
Then he did something scary for me. He sent flowers to my workplace on Valentine's Day. Oh wow, not good at all! I had told him up front and from the start I was not interested in a romantic relationship, that I am asexual having no sex drive at all, but of course he never heard me because he was too busy talking himself up to me. He didn't listen at all when I managed to get a word in, he was just waiting for me to stop talking so he could again go on and on about himself.
Okay, I get it, I had become his source of narcissistic supply, and he's a galloping narcissist! I thought I'd met some world-class examples in the past, but nothing like this guy! Then he does something that's pretty much courting behavior, flowers, and extends that in email telling me he just wanted to show a beautiful woman she is cared for. Oh man!
I stopped taking his calls, and gave him a silent ringtone. He keeps calling, several times a day. I hope he stops calling at some point, and doesn't show up where I work. Fortunately he lives at a good distance. Pretty scary stuff for me, I had a stalker after me back in 1998, and I had to get court orders to keep him away from me.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Even so, it would be nice to have a friend of two to really talk to. My best friend ever died of cancer about ten years ago and I still miss her and our talks about how to cure the ills of the world. 
half the time.
