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Old 02-04-2014, 09:45 PM
 
Location: Queens, NY
3,817 posts, read 2,207,249 times
Reputation: 4841

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Before I say anything else, I'm gonna say that my Mother is great and I could not have asked for a better Mother to raise me for 23 years. My parents in general are amazing, and I feel blessed for that. My Father and Mother both love and support me and Brother greatly.

However, ONE issue I have with my Mother (and this is dating back for about as long as I can remember) is that she tends to be racist (even though she won't admit it). For example, I showed her some of my pictures on my phone tonight, and one picture showed me (I'm white) and a couple of other Asian friends of mine. She's like "omg, are these the kinds of people you hang out with?" I told her straight up "what do you mean by that? Is there a problem with me hanging out with non-white people?" She's like "Well, generally Asians don't hang out with white people and vice versa." I told her "I don't care what race someone is, or what they even look like, as long as they are a good person, I'll be friends with them (and even if I'm not friends with them, I'll respect and talk to anyone who comes in contact with me)." That sort of shut her up and she then said "Okay." What's funny is my Mother had told me in the past that she wouldn't care if my girlfriend or future wife was white, Asian, black, Spanish, etc. As long as she was a respectful human being. Somehow, when I see her act like this, I doubt she would accept any woman into my life (no matter how much of a quality she could be) unless she was a respectful "white" human being. Also, one of my good friends who's Irish, she said a while back "Irish? You hang out with Irish people?"

When I was a kid, I had a good black friend, and she was like "You only hang out with black people?" I was a bit of a hot head when I was younger, and I told her if she was racist or something? She was like "no, I'm not, but I was just wondering."

My younger Brother has even told me this. Almost about a month ago, my Mother entered my Brother's room and saw him looking at Spanish chicks on instagram. She told him "Why won't you look at white chicks? Blonde with blue eyes or something like that?" My Brother snapped and he straight up told my Mom if she's racist. My Mother was like "no, I'm not. I was just asking. Was wondering.." My Mother then exited his room sort of mumbling to herself like "what is he talking about?" something like that. My Brother (who isn't really that bright, I'll admit) has even noticed this.

That's basically the whole gist of it. I will say that my Mother does have a point where she says that generally Asians/Koreans or whoever, generally hang out with their own kind (I see that a lot with those races around my college campus). However, that isn't the norm at all. All my non-white friends are great people, who I feel blessed to be friends with.

Basically, how do I deal with my Mother when it comes to this? I wish my Mother didn't have this issue plaguing her, but I guess all Parents have some kind of flaw to them. Even the perfect ones.
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Old 02-04-2014, 10:20 PM
 
2,727 posts, read 2,274,495 times
Reputation: 4065
It doesn't sound like you have to 'deal' with anything. Seriously, how big of a deal is this, sounds like you are making mountains out of molehills. I'd say a far way from being racist.
Somehow, merely recognizing race has been construed as being racist.
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Old 02-04-2014, 10:29 PM
 
Location: Queens, NY
3,817 posts, read 2,207,249 times
Reputation: 4841
Quote:
Originally Posted by joeymags View Post
It doesn't sound like you have to 'deal' with anything. Seriously, how big of a deal is this, sounds like you are making mountains out of molehills. I'd say a far way from being racist.
Somehow, merely recognizing race has been construed as being racist.
So statements like "omg, are these the kinds of people you hang out with?" "Irish? You hang out with Irish people?" "Do you only hang out with black people?" aren't even remotely racist? Maybe they aren't full on racist statements, but these kind of statements have sort of racism attached to them (you can't say they don't). What kind of person says these kinds of things without any meaning behind them?

It may not sound like a big deal, but truth be told, it is. I won't end my relationship with my friends by any means, and my Mother won't do anything beyond just saying these kinds of things, but it doesn't change the fact that it is just a very poor thing to say to your son. If I ever have children in the future, I won't care who they hang out with, as long as they are nice/kind, and don't do drugs and what not (and I wouldn't say these kinds of statements like my Mother did).

I just feel like my Mother is completely ignorant when it comes to my non-white friends. Not to mention, my best friend is white (and she knows this as she has met him, and has even come over to our house a couple of times). I also have other white friends/acquaintances (which she saw from scrolling through my pictures).

Last edited by NewYorker11356; 02-04-2014 at 10:44 PM..
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Old 02-04-2014, 11:05 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,164 posts, read 20,476,226 times
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My MIL and my mother both make racist remarks from time to time. We're talking about ladies of a certain age, and when they were growing up, different things were acceptable. It doesn't make it right, but the older they get, the more likely it is that something inappropriate will slip out of their mouths, hopefully not in front of anyone outside the family. It's kind of like the way that they call me when they need to Google something, even though they both have computers and internet access...you just can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Also, one thing that you will discover as you get older is that a lot of people are somewhat racist when they're around people who they're comfortable with and who they think won't judge them.
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Old 02-04-2014, 11:09 PM
 
16,797 posts, read 14,545,698 times
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I do not see that she made any derogatory comments about any race. She simply sounds surprised that you and your brother have chosen people from different races/cultures/backgrounds to be friends with and be attracted to. She is just from a different generation where people were more likely to self-segregate and that was her norm. I would compare it to me wondering why the heck my 16 year old wants to keep bleaching and dying her hair pink. Just because I give her the side-eye doesn't mean I don't accept her choice.

I bet you can find something else to be mad at your mom about if you try. Parents are all idiots and dorks to people your age.
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Old 02-04-2014, 11:16 PM
 
Location: Queens, NY
3,817 posts, read 2,207,249 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
I do not see that she made any derogatory comments about any race. She simply sounds surprised that you and your brother have chosen people from different races/cultures/backgrounds to be friends with and be attracted to. She is just from a different generation where people were more likely to self-segregate and that was her norm. I would compare it to me wondering why the heck my 16 year old wants to keep bleaching and dying her hair pink. Just because I give her the side-eye doesn't mean I don't accept her choice.

I bet you can find something else to be mad at your mom about if you try. Parents are all idiots and dorks to people your age.
This sounds sort of correct. She grew up in Greece where obviously the majority of people were white, so I can see your point (along with my Mother's point of view). However, times have changed. Also, not to mention, New York is a very diverse state with different races.
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Old 02-05-2014, 12:02 AM
 
7,385 posts, read 13,236,603 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356 View Post
This sounds sort of correct. She grew up in Greece where obviously the majority of people were white, so I can see your point (along with my Mother's point of view). However, times have changed. Also, not to mention, New York is a very diverse state with different races.
Ooh ok, I was scratching my head and thinking... "Are Irish not white?"

I agree with previous poster: she doesn't sound racist, just really racially ignorant.

My mother's from Japan... For me, I just come to realize not to take it personal because she's not making a comment from a hateful place, it's just... a foreign concept. It's best to just expose what is different and normalize it. But she'll always make a blunder like that... she doesn't treat "other" people any less and is always welcoming.

You're right... Times change, but it doesn't mean people change just as easily. Rather naive to believe that, but you'll find yourself in a position one day where someone will point out that you're behind the "times" too.
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Old 02-05-2014, 12:09 AM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,847 posts, read 30,364,616 times
Reputation: 22356
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356 View Post
Before I say anything else, I'm gonna say that my Mother is great and I could not have asked for a better Mother to raise me for 23 years. My parents in general are amazing, and I feel blessed for that. My Father and Mother both love and support me and Brother greatly.
Personally, I think you are just stirring the pot here. But for what it's worth, I'll reply to your post.

Accept your mother for who she is. Not everybody is going to have the same values or ideas that you have. There is no right or wrong there is only different points of view. That's what being "tolerant" is all about.

If you don't like what your mother has to say, change the subject.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 02-05-2014, 12:24 AM
 
5,413 posts, read 5,142,831 times
Reputation: 9351
Your mother is racist but you seem to be handling it well enough by not giving into her ignorant comments.

The only thing you can do it continue to have friends based on who they are....not what skin color they have...and continue to call out your mother when she acts like a jerk.
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Old 02-05-2014, 01:12 AM
 
10,817 posts, read 8,065,019 times
Reputation: 17029
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356 View Post
I guess all Parents have some kind of flaw to them. Even the perfect ones.
Well yes, all People (not only Parents, but also their Offspring) have some kind of flaw.
Yet one more thread from a first time snowed-in poster.
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