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If anything, the unfortunate aspects of my childhood have made me a more caring, understanding, patient and better person because I swore I was NOT going to be like my father, and I have worked very hard to achieve that goal.
Everything in our lives is a direct result of choices we make. Some people make poor choices, and if that happens, they need to own up to them, accept them and move on. It doesn't do any good to point fingers and blame other people.
If anything, the unfortunate aspects of my childhood have made me a more caring, understanding, patient and better person because I swore I was NOT going to be like my father, and I have worked very hard to achieve that goal.
Everything in our lives is a direct result of choices we make. Some people make poor choices, and if that happens, they need to own up to them, accept them and move on. It doesn't do any good to point fingers and blame other people.
20yrsinBranson
This.
My father was no picnic, either as a husband or a father. So, to this day, when I am confronted with a choice in my marriage or in the raising of my children, I ask myself, "What would my father have done? How would my father have reacted to this?" And then I typically do the opposite. It's worked well.
Pinkmani, you are probably right about my former friend hiding something like depression or other mental illness. The very first time I looked at him I knew "something was wrong" but I let go of these thoughts because he was a really good actor and made himself seem anything but the stereotypical depressed moper or erratic whackjob. Of course he did not keep up the charade with me as he did with other people. Although I used to have a lot of concern for him, we were not close, and I'm sure he wanted it that way. He put up barriers by, for example, telling various stories from his past that were incomplete and/or impossible so that not one of us got the whole truth (he loved to talk, it wasn't like we were twisting his arm!). His best barrier was to become a total ***** which he did to my friend and me the longer we knew him. You can only give someone so many chances. I literally walked away.
Even if this guy did have a mental illness I don't excuse what he did. Maybe the new way of the world expects me to excuse him, but oh well. We live in a sad, sick, scary world. I think of my friends and coworkers and the hell they've been through in their lives, like war, extreme poverty, molestation, drug addiction, abusive marriages, serious illness, homelessness, abandonment by parents or death of a parent at an early age... I am thankful that they have been in my life and that their pasts didn't take them away, and I am amazed at how strong they are today. I'm not going to pretend that people who go through this stuff are never going to have problems relating to others, and we should try our best to be tolerant and supportive. We each have the responsibility to be decent, productive members of society, and very few people do not have the ability to do so. I draw the line with people who have the ability and willfully do not use it.
The totality of our behavior is informed by what has happened to us, no doubt about it. But we are never held hostage to the past--we always have choices we can make and growth is always just around the corner, if we seek it.
Past experiences should never be anything other than context to explain present behavior--not excuses.
If anything, the unfortunate aspects of my childhood have made me a more caring, understanding, patient and better person because I swore I was NOT going to be like my father, and I have worked very hard to achieve that goal.
Everything in our lives is a direct result of choices we make. Some people make poor choices, and if that happens, they need to own up to them, accept them and move on. It doesn't do any good to point fingers and blame other people.
20yrsinBranson
That's been my theory as well. All one has to do is study the effect that these toxic people's behavior has had on their lives, and it becomes easy to simply do the opposite in your adult life.
I had a very, very poor upbringing - I mean so poor I though people in ranch style homes who had meat every night for dinner, had health insurance, the ability for their kids to participate in girl/boy scouts were rich!
NEVER used it as an excuse - if anything an excuse to get out of that "feel sorry for me, I am poor" environment. People often make excuses for being poor, but never do anything about it. Yes, some people can not help getting a disability or medical bills as examples. But to use it as an excuse over and over again just shows a lack of character on the part of the person unwilling to change.
My parents always had money for smokes and beer though, but never enough to take us to the Doctor...just goes to show priorities!
A lot of the time, people will say, "I'm like this because of [insert bad childhood events]." There are things that have happened to me, but I'm my own person and I've recently learned that I can't use these bad experiences as a crutch or excuse for the way that I behave.
At what point should we hold people responsible for their behavior? Isn't about time that we stop blaming our parents for what they did or didn't do?
Absent insanity, in whatever of its various forms, or retardation, an adult is responsible for his or her actions. However, understanding the internalization that causes one to feel a certain way, have certain thought patterns and have certain urges, i.e. the way you developed (and the huge parental role in that), is an important insight, because recognizing that aids control. You call it "blame" but actually its understanding the cause, "blaming" is just a childish cop out.
People find it hard to talk about their parents' faults and pathologies that they saw and copied (or flipped) as children because they are stuck in the "blame" mindset - and speaking like that about a parent is often taboo. If you can get past the "blaming" idea (probably learnt from one or both parents!) and see "ok that is what happened and the impact on me was this" you can then advance in self-understanding.
"How did I get here and what can I do about it now" versus "How did I get here,.... its your fault"
A lot of the time, people will say, "I'm like this because of [insert bad childhood events]." There are things that have happened to me, but I'm my own person and I've recently learned that I can't use these bad experiences as a crutch or excuse for the way that I behave.
At what point should we hold people responsible for their behavior? Isn't about time that we stop blaming our parents for what they did or didn't do?
My knee-jerk response is that most emotionally healthy people who have not been through anything too traumatic in their childhoods figure it out by their mid-20s. It's a coming-of-age thing.
But there are "bad experiences" and then there are BAD EXPERIENCES. For instance, if a woman was repeatedly molested by her own father when she was a child, that is likely not something she can just jettison and get over. Chances are she might need some therapy to truly come to terms with it and learn how to handle her anger or devastation so that it does not affect her relationships with men.
Same goes for people who were viciously beaten and abused. It's one thing to acknowledge that they were children and did not do anything to warrant such treatment, but if they want to stop the cycle, chances are they'll need counseling.
Part an parcel of the not taking responsibility for ones' actions society we now have. It has become to easy to blame everything on everyone else. Drive with hot coffee on you lap, stop short, get burned and it is McDonalds fault for having hot coffee. Politicians again, same thing. I know you see the pattern.
I'm 19 and still trying to figure things out. Let me tell you, this whole "finding yourself" sh*t is really hard. I'm learning a lot about myself, and there are some things I don't like about myself, so changing them is my next step. This part is really hard, but at least I'm trying.
My mom worked a lot and missed a lot of important events (recitals, band concerts, awards, etc.). I recently realized that I can't keep continue to be upset with her for it nor should I use that as an excuse. And I've told her how I felt, but there's nothing that can be done now. So, I'm trying to move on.
I've blamed my depression on her because she was so busy working (70 to 80 hrs. each week), that she didn't notice that there was something wrong with me. However, I never blamed my dad and he was around much more often than she was. As soon as she did know that something was wrong, she did everything she could to get me help. She even went to therapy with me. I just have to be thankful that she tried because she could've just told me to get over it.
Maybe you could try reframing your view of your mom. My mother worked. I was a latch-key kid from age 9 onward. I could be upset that once I hit fourth grade, she was no longer there to be class mom, she wasn't there for my after-school activities, and she didn't come to the games.
Looking back on it, I see that she did it because she wanted to ensure that I had a roof over my head and food in my stomach, because my father's freelancing was too erratic. She didn't go to the games because on the weekends she cleaned the house on Saturday, and on Sunday she was just too exhausted. People show love in different ways. Her way was to provide. She may not have given you what you wanted, but she gave you what she had, and in the end, when you needed her, she was there.
And not for nothing, but while a lot of people older than I am would be horrified of a 9-year-old wearing a key on a string around her neck and letting herself into the house to be alone for three hours after school, it taught me self-reliance, how to be alone with myself, and how to engage my mind and be productive when I'm alone. So maybe you can look back on the silver lining and see what you learned from your experiences.
FWIW, it sounds like you are a very loving and forgiving person. Maybe that's what you learned.
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