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Old 02-22-2014, 12:37 PM
 
860 posts, read 1,106,351 times
Reputation: 502

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Quote:
Originally Posted by el_marto View Post
why would you deal with them at all? They are not living in the same century as the rest of us. They aren't gonna change and you should consider people like that to be beneath you. You shouldn't feel the need to impress them, they're broken, brainwashed human beings. There's no reason why you should ever interact with them again.
I agree with you. I consider people like that crazy or possessed by demons.

 
Old 02-22-2014, 12:43 PM
 
Location: MN
1,311 posts, read 1,689,982 times
Reputation: 1598
I think your husband needs to really decide who he prioritizes-- you, or his family. His family seems pretty toxic the way they are, but his need to reach out to them and keep in contact is damaging your marriage. Sometimes to make your marriage work you have to cut ties, even if it's really hard. I hope the situation improves for both of you.
 
Old 02-22-2014, 12:46 PM
 
2,079 posts, read 4,944,602 times
Reputation: 1895
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprite97 View Post
Why especially black women? Black men are hated equally as well. Afterall, they are black people as well.
I was referring to black women as compared to other minority group women,e.g. Jews, Asians who, are more socially accepted into white families thru interacial marriages. Same applies to black males.
 
Old 02-22-2014, 12:53 PM
 
2,079 posts, read 4,944,602 times
Reputation: 1895
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zimbochick View Post
Bullpucky. Thankfully fewer and fewer people care about melanin, and more and more people care about character.
Recommending any black/white couple to go into an interracial marriage, without openly and honestly discussing the potential ramifications and problems that may arise is irresponsible. I don't think your statement is being realistic.
 
Old 02-22-2014, 01:17 PM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,980 posts, read 14,535,563 times
Reputation: 14862
Quote:
Originally Posted by dorado0359 View Post
Recommending any black/white couple to go into an interracial marriage, without openly and honestly discussing the potential ramifications and problems that may arise is irresponsible. I don't think your statement is being realistic.
I can't speak for the OP, but imagine they did that. One cannot predict how others will react, one has no control over that.
 
Old 02-22-2014, 01:40 PM
 
Location: Salinas, CA
15,408 posts, read 6,174,063 times
Reputation: 8435
Quote:
Originally Posted by dorado0359 View Post
Recommending any black/white couple to go into an interracial marriage, without openly and honestly discussing the potential ramifications and problems that may arise is irresponsible. I don't think your statement is being realistic.
Then nothing changes. The one ramification that should trump all others in a civilized, decent society is that the two people care about and love each other.

It is not their job to transport bigoted relatives from 1954 to 2014.

If they took your view, then the bigots win, think they are right and that just encourages them even more.

Last edited by chessgeek; 02-22-2014 at 02:05 PM.. Reason: Wrong year (transposed digits 2104 sb 2014).
 
Old 02-22-2014, 02:41 PM
 
Location: Surf City, NC
413 posts, read 699,956 times
Reputation: 1134
I disagree with all the folks advising that her husband should visit his family alone. His family needs to accept that they are a married pair. If they cannot, he cannot continue the relationship. If they think they can get him on his own whenever they want, they will never include her. Indeed they are likely to take advantage of the situation as much as possible, to insert any wedges they can (inviting old girlfriends to dinner etc.). A married couple is a social unit; Emily Post would be appalled at the idea they would invite a husband to a wedding without his wife. Such invitations must be declined. They need to politely, but firmly, insist on the integrity of their union.
 
Old 02-22-2014, 04:28 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,652 posts, read 60,572,966 times
Reputation: 101051
I haven't read the whole thread, so maybe I'm repeating what others have said, but here's my take:

1. You and your husband love each other and have children together. It sounds like you are both good people. NO WAY would I suggest that you leave your husband because a FEW members of his family are bigots and idiots.

2. I empathize with your husband to some extent. I can understand how difficult it is for him to accept the full depravity and horribleness of his parents' bigotry and their abhorrent actions (being ashamed of the grandkids is THE WORST OFFENSE I can think of and one that SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED - more on that later). I am sure that before he met and fell in love with you, he probably had no idea the depth of his parents' racist feelings - and like most young, optimistic people, he may have felt like once they got to know you inside and out, and once your beautiful kids came into the picture, they'd get over their small minded ways. He misjudged them and that's a real pity, and bound to give him a lot of heartache. It sounds like he loves and respects his parents and generally that's a good thing. He's in a tough spot.

3. But he needs to MAN UP. He absolutely should not tolerate any behavior that implies that they are ashamed of him, or you, or the kids. Man, let me tell you what - if I were him, I'd be buying a country club membership to your inlaw's golf club. I'd be bringing you up there every chance I got. I'd introduce you to the neighbors. I'd visit their church. I'd come to neighborhood events. I'd show up at weddings, funerals, you name it. I'd make SURE their circle knew your lovely family.

4. What boggles my mind is the behavior of the younger generation involved. Don't they ever have get togethers? Don't they have weddings, graduations, vacations, family days at the beach or amusement park, etc. and if so, can't you attend those - whether the bat crazy inlaws are there or not? What's stopping you from nurturing those relationships OUTSIDE the crazy inlaw circle? Start with Facebook and little dinner visits, that sort of thing. Someone mentioned earlier that maybe you could rent a hotel room next time there's a holiday and invite the little cousins and their parents over to the pool, to go to a Science Center or play or museum or out for pizza or the zoo, whatever. Time to get creative and circumvent the parents.

5. Do not, under any circumstances, visit them in their home, with or without the kids. Don't put your kids into that toxic, sick environment of undeserved shame and secrecy. This is where your husband needs to stand firm. He needs to be blunt with your parents and tell them how hurtful this is to him, and to you - to visit their home basically in secret and to be struck that there are no photos of your family, no indication that the children or your marriage exists - it's horrible.

6. He does need to let your parents know that he loves them and is eager for them to get to know you and the kids. He needs to invite them to your home, visit (stay in a hotel) and invite them to join BOTH OF YOU AND YOUR KIDS for dinner, outings, etc. But he needs to draw the line at coming to their house without his wife and children.

This is hard, but keep in mind - YOU ARE NOT THE ONE DOING THIS TO HIM. HIS PARENTS ARE DOING THIS. He knew when he married you that they would have a hard time with it, even if he may have underestimated their endurance levels. YOU ARE NOT THE ENEMY in this and this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Never, never apologize for it. Never hide your face from his family. Never be ashamed. Hold on to your personal dignity. You and your children are a blessing to this man, not a problem. Don't forget that.

By the way, I speak from personal experience. I was married for eleven years to an African American Army officer. Though my parents are not prejudiced, after he and I divorced and I eventually met my current husband, who is white, HIS parents are VERY prejudiced and they were adamantly opposed to me marrying him "with all my nigra kids." (My beautiful biracial kids were 18, 20, 22, and 24 at the time we married - and out of my house!) His ridiculous dad even called me over to their house, right before we got married and while my fiance was out of town on business, to read me the riot act and tell me to get out of his son's life! GIRL, I WENT OVER THERE IN MY SUNDAY DRESS (it was right after church) and I looked that old, racist man in the eye and said, "Sorry - we're getting married and you can accept it or not accept it - it's your choice. You are welcome in our home, whether I am welcome in yours or not - on ONE condition - that you treat my children and me with respect. If you can't do that, stay home, but when you can do it, come on over and welcome to our lives. And I have a prediction to make: Obviously you don't know yet that I'm the best thing that ever happened to your son - but one day you will. I predict that within three years you will love me."

And I was right. But you have to have great personal dignity and strength to stare people like this down. You can do it, and so can your husband. So...start today. Keep us posted - and good luck!
 
Old 02-22-2014, 05:12 PM
 
Location: Texas
774 posts, read 1,162,401 times
Reputation: 910
Quote:
Originally Posted by dorado0359 View Post
Something people should think about before jumping into interacial marriages...especially black women.
Spoken like a person with no backbone. ...Let other folks' opinions and outlooks dictate the choices for your life.
 
Old 02-22-2014, 05:27 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,652 posts, read 60,572,966 times
Reputation: 101051
Quote:
Originally Posted by dorado0359 View Post
Something people should think about before jumping into interacial marriages...especially black women.
I'll tell you something else people should think about before jumping into ANY marriage - establishing healthy boundaries of respect WITH THEIR PARENTS and extended family. THIS is the problem here - not the interracial marriage between two people who love each other. The problem is that they have not agreed on a mutual plan to stand up to disrespect from inlaws. This scenario is common across all color lines.

I am so glad that my beautiful biracial daughter's very white husband's very white Midwestern parents are accepting and tolerant and not prejudiced. Because of their open and loving attitude, they get to have these beautiful people in their lives - my daughter and her adopted son, who is ANOTHER color! My daughter and her husband added this new skin tone to their family after they had three daughters together.



Their whole family together:


These are my two daughters, with their two husbands (one is straight up white boy from Iowa, and the other is Italian/Panamanian/Puerto Rican from the northeast) and their kids, and me. Look at all those happy little cousins! Look at those beautiful families! If someone chooses to miss out on all this love because they are freaked out by skin color differences or what their FRIENDS might think of it - it's their loss. We choose to be happy and can be happy without them.



THIS LOVE is the reason why people get married - and in the US, in the 21st century, people who love each other shouldn't have to cater to a few ignorant, prejudiced people - and in the process miss out on such rich joy and love and happiness in life! If the grandparents want to miss out - fine. Pity, really, but life can go on without that sort of ignorance and hatefulness - in fact, it's better without it.

Thankfully, my kids have great parents (me and my husband - woohoo! and the other parents involved) and great GRAND parents too - at least on one side. The other side has been slower to come around but even they haven't been able to resist these smiling faces and sweet little younguns.
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