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I am a 35 y/o Black woman who has been married to a 36 y/o White man for 5 years. We have twin daughters (three years old). DH's family are a mixed bag. DH's generation and younger are very nice, but the older generation is where things get hairy. FIL is a great guy; very laid back and has always been kind, respectful and open-hearted. MIL is not so great. She has been staunchly against our relationship from the get-go, afraid of what people will think, so on and so forth. DH's family is Southern upper middle class, and interracial relationships among the older folks there are seen as "trashy for people of their social standing." I wish I were exaggerating, but this is the exact phrase I have heard used. DH and I accepted long ago that, it being hard to teach old dogs new tricks, the older folks are free to believe as they choose as long as they treat me with respect. They have begrudgingly done so since we have been together, but only to my face. Here is the problem: I underestimated the amount of stress their shenanigans can cause, even long distance (we live over 1500 miles away). The worst offenders are my MIL and her sister, who are hyper vigilant about making sure their friends & neighbors do not find out about DH "and his Negros." A neighbor who asked about me was told I was a housekeeper. There are no photos of my daughters in my MIL's home, but tons of photos of DH's nieces and nephews. When we came to visit about a year ago, MIL nearly had a heart attack b/c FIL wanted to take the DDs for a picnic by the lake where he plays golf because there would be lots of ducks (one of the twins absolutely LOVES birds). She was worried one of her friends would be there for lunch or something and discover her secret. MIL and her sister are constantly calling each other or meeting to fuel each other's outrage about DH and I's marriage/family. Afterward, DH always gets an admonishing phone call, which turns into an argument or him hanging up on one of them, and him being in a bad mood for a few days afterward. DH has missed two of his close cousin's weddings (He was invited to both, but I was not. DH's aunt did not want a "Black face ruining the photos." Cousins were not happy about this, but their mother controls the purse strings so what she said ruled). My family has never been invited to Thanksgiving/Christmas (just DH), though it is "okay for us to drop by a couple days after." This is just the tip of the iceberg, but you get the picture.
How do I deal with DH's mounting stress and moodiness every time one of his family members acts up? I have watched a happy, carefree man turn into a very stressed and angry one. He stands up for me and our DDs every single time and always has, but I know he is battle-weary, and just wants his life back. He won't say it, but I know he misses being with his family and friends from back home. Unfortunately, I have started to have thoughts that maybe it is best if the girls and I leave him. I do not want my daughters to grow up being exposed to my DH's poisonous family. I don't want them feeling as if they caused their father to be estranged from his own family that he was once a happy part of. To be fair, most of DH's family do not seem to feel the way that MIL and her sister do, but no one but my DH has ever openly objected to their obnoxious and hurtful behavior. Thus, I feel their silence makes them complicit. I was raised to speak up when someone is being mistreated, and would never tolerate anyone in my family treating another human being poorly. I love my husband, but he deserves peace, and so do my girls. Any advice?
Last edited by kfcaligirl; 02-20-2014 at 07:08 PM..
I'm not in an IR but my some of my in-laws don't like me. I won't get into the reasons why. My husband would get moody whenever they would have a family gathering because he knew there may be drama. I finally told him to go by himself. I don't mind. I can stay home and relax. This solved the problem. I suggest the same for you.
I use to have the fantasy of all of our families mingling together but it's not gonna happen. Life is short. Create a separate world.
I really don't know what to say. I can't believe that the "younger generation" didn't speak up for you when you were introduced as "the housekeeper" or when you and your children were not invited to the cousins' weddings and holidays or there aren't photographs of all of the grandchildren in the house, etc.
However, I would really have to wonder why his other relatives didn't stand up for you against his sister and mother. Perhaps they really aren't as accepting as you think that they are.
OP- I feel for you- it's painful reading your post. Please don't leave your husband over this- then the crazies in his family will have won. Your hubby loves you- imagine how strong he had to be inside to marry you despite his upbringing and knowing the way his family is. Your children need a father in their day to day life. Don't make them suffer because of the fools in DH's family. That's a lose-lose for everyone.
I'm amazed that the younger relatives in your hubby's family and your FIL all give in to the women in the family. No one seems to have a backbone.
Since you live so far away from his family, how often is it that he does get to see his them? Perhaps take the advice of a previous poster and let him visit them alone once in a while.
Could you also sometimes visit together and stay at a motel with a pool, etc. Then invite the younger relatives over for some swimming, maybe all of you go on a picnic, take in some local attractions. Do this without having the older relatives around or being in the older ones' homes. Do you think the younger relatives would show up if invited ? It's terrible compromise to have to make, but your kids should know their cousins on their dad's side of the family.
Could you also work on your hubby. Right now, he is letting his female relatives make him miserable. He's waiting for something to happen , like nasty phone call, then reacting to it. Being reactive is not a good position to be in. He may need to lay down the law with his mom and aunts, sister, etc. He's got to let them know in no uncertain terms that they are not to call him to disparage you, his choice of marriage, his children etc. He's got to answer the phone and ask the reason for the call. The second the call goes off the rails, he's got to hang up without arguing. What they are doing now is baiting him. Every time he listens to their nonsense gives them a hint that maybe they can pry him away from you. He'll need to let his family know that bad mouthing his wife is not permitted , it's not a reason for them to call.
The other thing I don't understand is why you are kept hidden from his family's neighbors and friends. Why hasn't your hubby taken you next door and introduced you and the kids to his parent's neighbors when you've visited ? Why doesn't he take you and the kids to the lake to feed ducks. Surely he'll run into someone he knows and introduction can be made. Is every male in that family terrified of the females ?
Next time hubby goes home to visit without you, make sure he has lots of photos of you & the kids in his phone. Then he's got to have the guts to start showing those photos to everyone-- family, neighbors & friends alike in his home town. The secrecy needs to end. He's an adult- he's got to start acting like one. I don't know what power his mom & aunts hold over the family, but they are not super human, they're just people ( very flawed people). .
Unfortunately, I have started to have thoughts that maybe it is best if the girls and I leave him. I do not want my daughters to grow up being exposed to my DH's poisonous family. I don't want them feeling as if they caused their father to be estranged from his own family that he was once a happy part of. To be fair, most of DH's family do not seem to feel the way that MIL and her sister do, but no one but my DH has ever openly objected to their obnoxious and hurtful behavior. Thus, I feel their silence makes them complicit. I was raised to speak up when someone is being mistreated, and would never tolerate anyone in my family treating another human being poorly. I love my husband, but he deserves peace, and so do my girls. Any advice?
Absolutely do not do this. Your husband is fighting for you every step of the way. For him to lose you because you quit will destroy him. Stand with him.
Also sorry to hear about your situation. I am also a black women married to a white man but have been very welcomed into his family and would be beside myself ifI had to deal with this.
Sadly, I think its best that you and your husband limit your time and interaction with the MIL. If she is soo embarrassed of her family, your children should not be subjected to her. I'd make time for the FIL but not waste too much with the MIL and sister. Clearly they have their issues. I would try and keep it theirs.
Wish I had better advice. They are missing out. Not you and your girls.
You can't make your mother-in-law put pictures of you or your kids inside her house. However, if your husband was a true man, he would immediately cut off all contact from his mother. I wouldn't stand for such ignorant behavior, even from immediate family. Personally, I'm never one to back down especially if I know I'm in the right. If the MIL wants to create a scene, the son should create a bigger scene. At the end of the day, the MIL has only herself to blame if the family falls apart.
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