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Old 03-06-2014, 10:17 AM
 
17 posts, read 16,967 times
Reputation: 25

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Because of an adoption in the family (90+YEARS ago), I did not know about my extended family until recently.
When I tried to contact my cousins(adults) thru their Facebook pages, the older "menfolk" claimed that I was lying, not a relative and I was just a scammer.
It is apparent that my cousins believed them. The few that DID have contact with me, these "menfolk" harassed them so much they've quit talking to me. Even telling me the harassment was the reason.

I need my cousins help with a medical condition. I COULD use a stranger, but that isn't preferred.
At this point I'd also like to reassure them that I am not a "stranger" freak.

I didn't want to hire private investigators to hunt them down because many of the PIs are armed. I felt this was intrusive and over the top. I now feel like this is my only course of action-so the PI can show them my family documents proving I'm related (that have no business being placed on the 'net)

I have NOT hunted down their addresses or phone numbers myself. I only have FB addys and a couple places of work.

I HATE it that 2 grown men have done everything in their power to try to poison my own family tree against me.

Creative ideas are welcome.

 
Old 03-06-2014, 10:26 AM
 
12,544 posts, read 11,930,656 times
Reputation: 28854
Look at it from their perspective: Here is someone they've never heard of before, crawling out of the woodwork to say they are a blood relation. By approaching them through social media, which is rife with cretins who are scammers, you look like a scammer, too.

What proof did you offer them? What kind of documentation?

Things like tracing blood relations should be done in person, and the person seeking contact should be prepared to provide evidence of his or her claim. That means official paperwork, not only about the adoption, but about your own health claims.

Honestly? The fact that you are only now approaching them because you need something for your own medical treatment would be off-putting to a lot of people. It's kind of like a long lost relation appearing out of nowhere to ask for money. What are you prepared to offer in return? If you need bone marrow or something like that, are you willing to pay for their procedure? Does your insurance cover it? If they do not have paid time off, are you willing to reimburse them for lost wages? If you are in the U.S., you need to understand that when it comes to health care, money is what talks. Besides, just because someone is a blood relation, that doesn't mean they will be a match, depending on what you need.

In your shoes, I might try once more through official means, with the caveat that I would not expect the mission to be successful. If the need for treatment is urgent, I would just go with a stranger.
 
Old 03-06-2014, 10:32 AM
 
Location: On a lake
45 posts, read 45,889 times
Reputation: 176
It's called Alienation and is very common. Check out the definition and some interesting aspects of it on the below link.




Out of the FOG - Alienation
 
Old 03-06-2014, 10:38 AM
 
7,240 posts, read 12,661,515 times
Reputation: 8518
How is it remotely alienation? The OP is a mere stranger to them and appears to have an ulterior motive. Just because they are biologically linked doesn't mean they're "family".

If you insist on pursuing this route, obviously you'll have to ask to talk to these "menfolk" and show your evidence to them and the rest of the "family". However... please don't place any expectation that the "family" will come through for you.
 
Old 03-06-2014, 10:40 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,117 posts, read 37,766,222 times
Reputation: 73824
When you say medical condition that you NEED them for, it makes me think of something extremely invasive. Surely you can understand their reluctance. They aren't family; they are strangers.

Adoptions can be controversial, but ESPECIALLY back then they often were NOT talked about, as you have discovered, and expected to NEVER be talked about. Never underestimate how deep people can bury secrets or how hard they will work to keep anyone else from unearthing them.

How did you find out about this?
 
Old 03-06-2014, 11:24 AM
 
17 posts, read 16,967 times
Reputation: 25
I offered to show **the cousins I contacted** any documentation they wanted via an attorney we would pay for and they could choose. I DID offer to pay for all necessary medical/other costs (what I need is not all that invasive & does not require hospitalization). We offered to pay them what has grown to be considered an "appropriate" sum", which is fairly sizable.I told them up front we would agree to everything in a contract, that they would be held liable for nothing. We would cover *everything*.
The issue arose because the 2 nosey men are the "historians" of the family but they are NOT eligible to get their hands on the adoption papers, certified by the state, I could get as an immediate relative. These men have demanded to know my living relatives names and it is none of THEIR business. They've harassed me for 2 weeks straight, to the point I called the police on them and publicly stated that if they thought I was an imposter that they should call the police on me.

Imagine for a moment being harassed by "strangers" yourself every day for 2 weeks and them DEMANDING to know the names of the children in YOUR family. This is what they did to me, including hunting me down and calling me at home.

Their response was NOT proportionate to the SINGULAR email I sent my adult cousins.

THis is NOT about them thinking I am actually an imposer or a threat. If it were, I fully expect to have had the police on my door. This is about 2 nosey old men being malicious and vindictive.

I did NOT want to get to know the entirety of my new extended family under these conditions. I had discovered who/where they were but then this other issue came up. The 2 things came up together at around the same time. I tried to approach them honestly about my need for help. I didn't want to be all hug hug kiss kiss oh and NOW I need HELP..guilt guilt.

I personally would have hated to think my long lost cousin ONLY became my friend so she could try to wrangle something from me later-I would always wonder if she had been real to me or had lied to me the whole time just to prey on me.
I was being honest and up front.

So, what do I do about the lies the bullies have told?

As far as you taking me to task for using social media-would you want an armed Private I to approach your sister or aunt?
I used the LEAST threatening mode I knew of. I emailed them ONCE. I received 10 emails and calls, to my HOME, in 3 days from some guy who was using fake name.

I took ALL of their concerns into consideration when I contacted them. I never dreamed the 2 freak guys would flip their lids and be lying jerks.
 
Old 03-06-2014, 11:41 AM
 
15,833 posts, read 18,470,538 times
Reputation: 25622
Your post is quite confusing. I do not understand even how you can be positive that the "two men" are even really related to your "found family"...perhaps you've entered information into a data base during your search that has now been used by scammers? I would be reporting them if it were me.

How did you find these emails?? There are usually several people with the same or similar names on places like FB.
And...matching a "found name" to an email is pretty tricky business....maybe you've contacted the wrong people??

The fact that you wrote folks, folks that you assume are your relations....based on what??.... And, they do not choose to respond to you is an answer. At least a PI has a license to show someone...You are contacting people unannounced and unsolicited.
There are other ways to find lost relatives than PI's....Try Troy Dunn Troy The Locator

You may need to consider other options, like it or not.
 
Old 03-06-2014, 11:54 AM
 
7,240 posts, read 12,661,515 times
Reputation: 8518
OP, because of all the drama that incurred in such a short amount of time... I don't really blame the cousins for being reticent about getting involved. Obviously you'll have to get involved with these two men if you want to seek these cousins out. If you decide to paint these men to your cousins as being small minded vicious little men, just remember... that's their family you're putting down. You're not going to garner yourself any points.

At this point, just go with the stranger option. Less headaches.
 
Old 03-06-2014, 11:57 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,305,521 times
Reputation: 22274
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
Your post is quite confusing. I do not understand even how you can be positive that the "two men" are even really related to your "found family"...perhaps you've entered information into a data base during your search that has now been used by scammers? I would be reporting them if it were me.

How did you find these emails?? There are usually several people with the same or similar names on places like FB.
And...matching a "found name" to an email is pretty tricky business....maybe you've contacted the wrong people??

The fact that you wrote folks, folks that you assume are your relations....based on what??.... And, they do not choose to respond to you is an answer. At least a PI has a license to show someone...You are contacting people unannounced and unsolicited.
There are other ways to find lost relatives than PI's....Try Troy Dunn Troy The Locator

You may need to consider other options, like it or not.
I agree with JanND on this one -- and would add that should you have contacted ME, I would have asked for all sorts of information or if I was turned off -- would have told you to stay away from me and my family (and may file stalking charges against you, if you persisted).

This sounds like a scam. Wrong approach. If you needed to contact folks regarding something you need from them in regard to a medical issue, you should have done it through an attorney and let him/her contact folks (but only after being absolutely certain that the people being contacted were the correct people).

No one owes you a thing just b/c you suspect they share some DNA with you.
 
Old 03-06-2014, 12:01 PM
 
17 posts, read 16,967 times
Reputation: 25
I KNOW I'm related to these people. I CAN prove I'm related to the cousins. I DO NOT need a locating service. I have NOT contacted the wrong people.


I asked for ideas on how to best approach these cousins with my documents now that the old guys have told them lies.

My cousins should not have to live believing they were "targeted" by a dangerous person. I should not have to live knowing I was lied about and had my reputation defamed.

Do we now live in such and awful cynical world that when a family member asks for help, the worldwide census is to ridicule them, make them defend themselves and tell lies about them, even when they CAN prove they are related.

I was well prepared for the cousins to not want to help. I was NOT prepared to have libelous statements made about me or to have those same cousins harassed to the point they feel they can't talk to me.
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