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A great many people to this day have no idea how to handle or respond to someone suffering a mental health issue. Truth is, I think most of us fancy ourselves as being supportive and understanding until it actually happens. 20 years ago I suffered a breakdown and it was very eye-opening how many people just never got in touch with me while I was dealing with it. Of course, they all assured me once I returned to work, how much they'd thought of me and even wanted to get in touch but apparently the powers-that-be at work forbade them. I could've asked why they didn't do it without telling anyone at work but at that point I really didn't care any more. Certain people had been there for me unquestioningly and never hesitated to answer my calls or help me; certain people didn't. I wasn't mad at them or resentful, I just had better things to deal with.
I always think that being in the middle of this feels like living inside a funhouse mirror. Everything you see and hear and interpret is distorted. Everyone is else living in "Normal-land" and many people just don't get why your behaviour is so bizarre. They get frustrated and confused and eventually give up trying to deal. They have their own issues.
Bottom line, you could try and restart these relationships or you could put them behind you and try to move on. I know it hurts and you'll miss them but like any relationship that ends, sometimes it's what needs to happen. If you already know you won't trust them, is it really worth it? They were your friends for a while and now they're not. Maybe it's time to draw a line under the experience and find new ones?
Love the funhouse description...it does feel like that at times. Like I'm in some kind of alternate universe. I "used to" be a great worker, really social, fun...I have realized but need to constantly remind myself that the only things that really matter are my husband, my children, my immediate family...everything else is expendable. Thank you.
Please don't take this personally, but you remind me of my sister-in-law, and I want to come to you from possibly their perspective.
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You were fine and dandy for all these years although you pretty much did whatever you wanted all your life. Spent money with no thought or care of the ramifications, even though your brother was your joint account holder. You have a great husband and friends but suddenly you quit your job and a bunch of stuff comes out about embezzlement. You were writing bad checks against your brother's account, credit cards all maxed out and he had to file bankruptcy which ruined his credit and he can't get another job because of that. Now you suddenly come up with some mental illness and you want to blame everything on that, don't even want to take responsibility for everything you did before this "mental illness" came up. You had to move away because of everything you did and now you are starting over somewhere else, you don't have to work, your husband is having to deal with all of this alone, and you won't talk to anyone unless it something you want. Meanwhile, the rest of us that helped you through all your crazy bullcrap through the years are left with the pieces that you left behind, your brother is broke, your family has to support him now too, and your friends are standing behind him, because he was the one who was truly wronged. Yet you want to complain about them leaving you in the lurch? Sorry but the world doesn't work that way. You hurt a lot of people on your way down the yellow brick road, and no pill will ever fix that.
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Again, please know this is me talking to my sister-in-law, so only apply this to your situation if it indeed applies to you.
No, not really...I did spend money carelessly, although I always thought I'd pay for it, and I did for a long time. No embezzlement, it was my own business and I definitely mismanaged it...I became a procrastinator. My problems all came out like a damn breaking...and something broke in my brain at the same time. Convenient...no...I was actually suicidal, I thank God everyday for my husband...
I can totally see where the "mental illness" would seem like a convenient excuse. I agree with you to an extent...because just because you have an illness doesn't excuse poor actions. I didn't want to believe I was ill...although I knew something was wrong with me. Even after hospitalization, I thought I could just snap out of it and become normal again. My husband was communicating some things from the psychiatrists with my friends...I never thought I was ill, I was just "different". It is still hard for me now to admit it...I feel so different. I have a hard time in public, because I feel like I even look different than "normal" people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech
I just saw your response on another thread and I decided to stay on track here instead of posting it there.
Is your real name Debbie? You sound like my sister-in-law so much that it's scary.
It couldn't possibly be they are acting out because of everything you described about screwing over a family member financially and then having to leave town? The kids got uprooted and hurt in the middle of your drama, which you blamed on a mental illness and left your family in the lurch, but you're blaming all of them. You still haven't taken responsibility for your part in hurting your children, your family and your friends and instead continue to blame your mental illness which conveniently never came up until you got into trouble. I'm not saying you don't have a mental illness; I'm just saying this is how they might see it.
My sister-in-law also still continues to whine and complain about all the wrongs that have been done to her, yet we were all helping her! She just doesn't seem to remember that. It's always someone else's fault. She even started taking meds which was helping but then she quit because she had convinced everyone she was okay. Til she got in trouble again; then out came the mental illness thing once more.
Like I said, don't take this personal but you sound just like her. I think you have some apologizing to do to all the people you hurt, not the other way around. That's just my opinion.
No, lol, but Debbie sounds like a doozy. I'm sorry your family experienced that.
I take full responsibility for the hurt I caused. I have apologized, from the heart, and am blessed with wonderful parents, siblings, and family. The kids were largely protected...and we did not move without consulting them, although I do believe my husband would have moved us no matter what. I was in a bad state but trying desperately not to hurt the kids. The kids wanted to move, they were excited...looked at it like an adventure, and really like it where we are (it has been a few years). They all get good grades, they are all in activities...don't think I don't know that I'm lucky. I am extremely lucky. It could have gone differently...they could have been much more affected. They have had to learn budgeting and more scaled back living, which is a good thing and something I certainly didn't teach them before. Moving was the absolute right decision.
Weirdly, it seemed the people that weren't even affected were the most outraged and the most judgemental.
I take personal responsibility. I'm not only on medication, but I adhere to it as prescribed, and I also see a therapist in addition. I worry all the time that my illness will affect my children and I'm not naive enough to think that it doesn't, but what I do accomplish makes our family function, and they seem very happy.
As far as my daughter...I see warning signs. I had signs as a teen (my parents put me in a hospital once when I was 15). I was controlled enough eventually to appear normal although I really did some very stupid things. I was smart, so I got good grades and outwardly looked successful, but again, did really stupid things. I had poor impulse control...sort of like an alcoholic but without the beer. I believe that if there are signs that possible normal teenage behavior might be more than that, therapy can't hurt. I'm just trying to be cautious, I want her to have a better start in life.
All your points are good ones. I do have a mental illness, but it isn't a crutch. I'm not trying to blame my actions on my illness...it was still my responsibility.
Thank you for your comments, I do appreciate them. I had to take a long harsh look at myself...to lie at this point is, well, pointless, lol...and I refuse to lie to myself any longer. I have the best therapist...she is really so helpful.
I need to just let go of my friends...as another poster said...I had a nice, good 20 years with them and 20 years is a long time, I should cherish those memories and move on.
I think it's natural that the end of a 20 year friendship would cause feelings of hurt and pain. It's as if they are now dead. These are natural feelings when one grieves.
I think it's natural that the end of a 20 year friendship would cause feelings of hurt and pain. It's as if they are now dead. These are natural feelings when one grieves.
That is spot on...that is what it is like. I'm grieving. I hadn't looked at it that way. I mourn their loss...just like the loss of a deceased loved one. I miss them.
I also need to realize that although I believe I would have reacted differently than they did, perhaps not...I can't know unless I'm in their shoes. I need to stop asking why and just realize that it IS, and that is the end of it.
Sometimes things happen in our life that will sift out the good friends from the bad. I actually have a lot of acquaintances, but my husband is my real friend. I'm okay with that. I do socialize, but I am far happier with a book or doing something with my husband.
It sounds like your husband stood with you through better or worse, I don't think you need to look much further for a special friend.
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I'm glad to hear it
