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Old 03-13-2014, 08:54 AM
 
Location: Queens THE REAL international city
2,386 posts, read 5,277,742 times
Reputation: 2802

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Has anyone ever experienced this or thinks they have? I have a best friend of mine, who sometimes I feel may be a bit jealous of me in some ways or probably doesn't want me to succeed or at least succeed past him. Though he has had a tragic loss with his mother passing last year, the rest of the year has been successful for him. He's moved on to bigger, better things, doing well at his job and is simply having fun. We both came from the same hardships, struggles, grew up together and therefore I always was supportive of him and when he got his first and own apartment in a luxury building, I was SUPER happy for him. I felt like I got the apartment!!

I jumped up for joy, shook my tail feather and when he went on vacations, he left me the keys to his apartment so I can leave him a present. He wasn't expecting my "small present" which was in fact kitchen utensils, bathroom set and some furniture that was nice and in perfect condition I was able get from a wealthy friend of mine who was giving it away. When he returned, he was pleasantly surprised and appreciative. He's a great person, humble, easy going and very approachable and likeable.

I've always been supportive of whatever endeavors he wanted to embark on and plenty of times I would talk him into taking action. Heck, there's times I would drag him to do the things he "really wanted to do" instead of procrastinating on them. Always was I not only supportive but proactive in his goals and endeavors since I always wanted to see him succeed, especially being from a place in life where we came from very little.


However, I've noticed that if I'm successful in a endeavor, I work towards a goal, I accomplish something (even if its a small step towards what I want), he never really seems too happy. He usually downplays my successes or just doesn't share the same excitement. He always has to find a negative thing to say about something I've done. And not in a constructive criticism way but more in a disinterested, sort of passive aggressive way.

When I'm in the dumps in life, he seems the most eager to "be there" and is more than happy to be the "hero" or "savior". When things aren't going to good, he seems to be more delighted of my misfortune, to an extent.

Perhaps the thought of me becoming as successful or more successful than him scares him? Perhaps me expanding my world will bother him? I'm not sure but he just never seems fully accepting. If I want to get a black belt in martial arts his response is something along the lines of "Well, you'll never be a Bruce Lee (no one would but you get the point)" If I want to get back into gymnastics his response is "Its too late for that, you won't be as good as those people", if I want to make a comic his response is "Well, you won't be a Frank Miller". My goals are always met with some sort of resistance rather than support.

I don't know, maybe I'm crazy, thinking too much but I just can't help but shake the feeling that he probably doesn't want me to be too successful. Maybe he's happy where I'm at and it'll make him feel uncomfortable if I strive for bigger things. I don't know.

I know I have family members who were like that with me. They were used to me being poor, dirty, struggling, lonely. They used to "cater" to me because it made them feel better. As I graduated high school, college and then eventually starting making progress in areas of my life and living the life I wanted to live, they slowly started to leave the picture. When I proved them wrong they were gone.
They too did the same thing my friend is showing characteristics of and I'm worried.

Anyone else ever experienced something similar? What are your thoughts and opinions?
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Old 03-13-2014, 09:09 AM
 
3,445 posts, read 4,826,588 times
Reputation: 6078
Id comment but Id like the Readers Digest edition of your post.
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Old 03-15-2014, 11:40 PM
 
Location: USA
1,590 posts, read 1,647,149 times
Reputation: 1627
It's common for people to feel jealous of others. It's their fears, like you said.

You are probably right, he probably doesn't want you to be more successful because it would make him feel bad about himself.

Nothing too abnormal about this. Many people probably feel this, but maybe some are able to hide it better.

Think of this as your friend's shortcoming, an inability to overcome this fear. Don't get offended by it. And adjust your expectations. Don't expect him to be happy for your successes. It's not personal. It's not that he is mean. It's just that he can't handle what it would mean for him then.

Use his strength: which is his willingness to help you out when you're in need. And avoid situations where his weakness will shine (avoid telling him about your successes, downplay them for his sake, so he doesn't feel too bad, and then he won't have to downplay it himself.)

This is how he is wired. Adjust to it, ride the waves (in other words, the wave can help you or hurt you. You must learn to use it properly. Use his strengths (his help when you need it) and avoid creating situations where his weaknesses reign)
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Old 03-16-2014, 04:12 AM
 
17,159 posts, read 22,175,230 times
Reputation: 31228
there are givers and there are takers..

if takers are bringing you down- quickly put them in your place.. tell them how it makes you feel..


a lot of folks will verbally throw rocks at others,,,,jealousy, or they are mirroring how others have tried to cut them down...

you sound big-hearted, generous and mature,,, a definite giver.... not everyone else is..

id write all those "put downs" in a list and email it to him..
tell him how one of the put downs really got under your skin- he may try to brush it off - but he will get the message ..
maybe you are so special to him,,,,he is worried or feels threatened he will lose you soon,,,


never allow anyone to hold you back,,,, you are giving positive motivation-he is giving you negative limitations.....
tell him directly how you feel about this,,and dont see him for two weeks ..
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Old 03-16-2014, 04:34 AM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,737 posts, read 6,175,147 times
Reputation: 4859
They say jealousy is a green eyed monster and it is ..it has no place yet it seems to rear its ugly head everywhere.
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Old 03-16-2014, 06:39 PM
 
74 posts, read 89,657 times
Reputation: 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveWisdom View Post
It's common for people to feel jealous of others. It's their fears, like you said.

You are probably right, he probably doesn't want you to be more successful because it would make him feel bad about himself.

Nothing too abnormal about this. Many people probably feel this, but maybe some are able to hide it better.

Think of this as your friend's shortcoming, an inability to overcome this fear. Don't get offended by it. And adjust your expectations. Don't expect him to be happy for your successes. It's not personal. It's not that he is mean. It's just that he can't handle what it would mean for him then.

Use his strength: which is his willingness to help you out when you're in need. And avoid situations where his weakness will shine (avoid telling him about your successes, downplay them for his sake, so he doesn't feel too bad, and then he won't have to downplay it himself.)

This is how he is wired. Adjust to it, ride the waves (in other words, the wave can help you or hurt you. You must learn to use it properly. Use his strengths (his help when you need it) and avoid creating situations where his weaknesses reign)


Umm I am confused here... why should he have to downplay his success...no one has time for that....let him dump the so called friend
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Old 03-16-2014, 06:40 PM
 
74 posts, read 89,657 times
Reputation: 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lital_The_Best View Post
Has anyone ever experienced this or thinks they have? I have a best friend of mine, who sometimes I feel may be a bit jealous of me in some ways or probably doesn't want me to succeed or at least succeed past him. Though he has had a tragic loss with his mother passing last year, the rest of the year has been successful for him. He's moved on to bigger, better things, doing well at his job and is simply having fun. We both came from the same hardships, struggles, grew up together and therefore I always was supportive of him and when he got his first and own apartment in a luxury building, I was SUPER happy for him. I felt like I got the apartment!!

I jumped up for joy, shook my tail feather and when he went on vacations, he left me the keys to his apartment so I can leave him a present. He wasn't expecting my "small present" which was in fact kitchen utensils, bathroom set and some furniture that was nice and in perfect condition I was able get from a wealthy friend of mine who was giving it away. When he returned, he was pleasantly surprised and appreciative. He's a great person, humble, easy going and very approachable and likeable.

I've always been supportive of whatever endeavors he wanted to embark on and plenty of times I would talk him into taking action. Heck, there's times I would drag him to do the things he "really wanted to do" instead of procrastinating on them. Always was I not only supportive but proactive in his goals and endeavors since I always wanted to see him succeed, especially being from a place in life where we came from very little.


However, I've noticed that if I'm successful in a endeavor, I work towards a goal, I accomplish something (even if its a small step towards what I want), he never really seems too happy. He usually downplays my successes or just doesn't share the same excitement. He always has to find a negative thing to say about something I've done. And not in a constructive criticism way but more in a disinterested, sort of passive aggressive way.

When I'm in the dumps in life, he seems the most eager to "be there" and is more than happy to be the "hero" or "savior". When things aren't going to good, he seems to be more delighted of my misfortune, to an extent.

Perhaps the thought of me becoming as successful or more successful than him scares him? Perhaps me expanding my world will bother him? I'm not sure but he just never seems fully accepting. If I want to get a black belt in martial arts his response is something along the lines of "Well, you'll never be a Bruce Lee (no one would but you get the point)" If I want to get back into gymnastics his response is "Its too late for that, you won't be as good as those people", if I want to make a comic his response is "Well, you won't be a Frank Miller". My goals are always met with some sort of resistance rather than support.

I don't know, maybe I'm crazy, thinking too much but I just can't help but shake the feeling that he probably doesn't want me to be too successful. Maybe he's happy where I'm at and it'll make him feel uncomfortable if I strive for bigger things. I don't know.

I know I have family members who were like that with me. They were used to me being poor, dirty, struggling, lonely. They used to "cater" to me because it made them feel better. As I graduated high school, college and then eventually starting making progress in areas of my life and living the life I wanted to live, they slowly started to leave the picture. When I proved them wrong they were gone.
They too did the same thing my friend is showing characteristics of and I'm worried.

Anyone else ever experienced something similar? What are your thoughts and opinions?
Get rid of your so called friend...you will have enough haters in life without adding one to your inner circle as well
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Old 03-17-2014, 10:43 PM
 
Location: Queens THE REAL international city
2,386 posts, read 5,277,742 times
Reputation: 2802
Quote:
Originally Posted by 30to66at55 View Post
Id comment but Id like the Readers Digest edition of your post.
The joke flew over my head.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveWisdom View Post
It's common for people to feel jealous of others. It's their fears, like you said.

You are probably right, he probably doesn't want you to be more successful because it would make him feel bad about himself.

Nothing too abnormal about this. Many people probably feel this, but maybe some are able to hide it better.

Think of this as your friend's shortcoming, an inability to overcome this fear. Don't get offended by it. And adjust your expectations. Don't expect him to be happy for your successes. It's not personal. It's not that he is mean. It's just that he can't handle what it would mean for him then.

Use his strength: which is his willingness to help you out when you're in need. And avoid situations where his weakness will shine (avoid telling him about your successes, downplay them for his sake, so he doesn't feel too bad, and then he won't have to downplay it himself.)

This is how he is wired. Adjust to it, ride the waves (in other words, the wave can help you or hurt you. You must learn to use it properly. Use his strengths (his help when you need it) and avoid creating situations where his weaknesses reign)

A lot of what you said makes sense but the statements in bold don't quite do to me. Not that I would rub any success I make in his face but why should I downplay it? I can't always compromise his feelings, it can't work like that.


Quote:
Originally Posted by mainebrokerman View Post
there are givers and there are takers..

if takers are bringing you down- quickly put them in your place.. tell them how it makes you feel..


a lot of folks will verbally throw rocks at others,,,,jealousy, or they are mirroring how others have tried to cut them down...

you sound big-hearted, generous and mature,,, a definite giver.... not everyone else is..

id write all those "put downs" in a list and email it to him..
tell him how one of the put downs really got under your skin- he may try to brush it off - but he will get the message ..
maybe you are so special to him,,,,he is worried or feels threatened he will lose you soon,,,


never allow anyone to hold you back,,,, you are giving positive motivation-he is giving you negative limitations.....
tell him directly how you feel about this,,and dont see him for two weeks ..
Thanks for the kind words. No matter how much success I achieve, he wouldn't lose me. If I'm great and doing great I want to make all the people around me and whom I care and love great as well. I'm sure he knows this as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kchryies View Post
Umm I am confused here... why should he have to downplay his success...no one has time for that....let him dump the so called friend
Yeah, I didn't get that myself. No one should downplay their success. I'm not one to brag about any achievements I make and rub it in people's face. The only time I've boasted to anyone about my success in something is if they tell me right out I won't ever make it or be a loser, or something to that extent. Even then, I rather let my accolades speak for them self.
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Old 03-17-2014, 10:59 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
3,979 posts, read 2,966,341 times
Reputation: 11847
Given his willingness to support you through tough times he sounds like a true friend who also happens to be rather insecure. If your successes make him uncomfortable, it's probably not because he wishes you weren't successful, but rather because he feels he ought to be more successful than he is, and seeing someone else advance reminds him of this. It is difficult not to measure ourselves in comparison to those around us, especially when it's someone we have a lot of common with and a long shared history with. I think of a friend who had been struggling with infertility and when her sister got pregnant tried so hard to be unabashedly happy for her, but couldn't quite pull it off...she certainly didn't wish ill on her sister or the kid, but it was hard for her.

He might also be projecting his own caution about trying new things/fear of failure onto you, because he cares about you and you share similarities. Plans that sound ambitious or fun to you might sound grandiose to him.

Good friend are no so easy to come by that one should casually dump them over a particular flaw, unless his actions toward you are meanspirited, or are negatively impacting you, IMO.
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Old 03-19-2014, 07:13 PM
 
740 posts, read 1,808,244 times
Reputation: 924
I learned recently that it's just easier to keep quiet about your accomplishments and keep moving forward. No, you shouldn't have to do this with true friends, but if you're trying to keep the peace it may be a better option (or opt out of the friendship).

I believe greatly in the visualization of goals (The Law of Success for you Hill folks), so for a recent move into a brand new luxury property, I put various info about it on the wall in MY existing space; floor plans, amenities, views etc. This is because we had to make huge sacrifices and were unsure if we would get to move in . As some new apartment/condo buyers will understand, you may have a limited opportunity to get in while the property is still under construction, as was the case here. We had to move mountains in order to secure our spot even though it wouldn't be ready until about 7 months later for move in, so to see it visually was a great motivator.
Before we even knew if we were going to be approved, some family members began commenting on the space, asking questions/comments like:
Quote:
why is it so small?
why is it so expensive?
Why would you want an open floor plan?
Why would you choose those finishes?
I'd never live there.
Not in the well meaning type of way like your mother would do, but in the "oh my god, i need to find something to pick at" sort of tone. Once we finally moved in and they saw the space...the silence from a SIL (the biggest detractor by far) was deafening and she toured the space with faces of sadness, disbelief and anger. To make matters worse, this week she'll be moving into an extremely dangerous/poorly run rental complex (based on reviews, police reports) since her credit has been destroyed, a development i'm definitely not happy with. The sad part about it is that I want to reach out to all my family members and say "Our 'success' DOES NOT affect yours" but it wouldn't help. We've been glamorized to the point that any of their misfortune traces back to us somehow, even though I describe my life as utterly average compared to my peers.

So it sucks that you're going through this OP but atleast you're not alone! haha.
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