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I worked with this woman five years ago who is more than 15 years older than I. We are both women over the age of 40. She is a married grandmother. Her husband is retired, and they have a beautiful home with a pool that is paid off. Her father was a university professor.
She and I have known each other for more than ten years now.
I come from much more challenging life circumstances, than she, as a first generation college student. However, I feel as if she has come to rely on me as her mentor, especially when it comes to employment.
The last job I referred her to, did not end well, where she hired a lawyer and the company settled out of court with her for an undisclosed amount of money. She has filed complaints and age or gender discrimination type complaints at more than one job.
Once, when I told her about a job I was interviewing for, she applied and interviewed for the same job, even though she was married and employed. I was single and unemployed at the time. Neither one of us got the job. I wasn't that upset with her at the time because there were two job openings.
My issue is that she now wants to work where I work. I just started a new job a month ago. She has a job, but says that she was told she only has two months before her job is eliminated.
Every day she emails me about working for the company where I work. I asked her to wait until my six week training was over before referring her for a job here. She applied online anyway and used my name as a reference. She is now asking me for my supervisor's name and email. I told her the truth, that my supervisor is out of the office and on vacation.
Her behavior is actually frightening me.
I have been polite and have spoken with her and given her encouragement to apply for other similar jobs at other companies. I have realized that she causes trouble for me in one way or another. She used to say she experienced age discrimination but now we are both over the age of 40.
How do I handle this situation? I don't think she will give up, and I also don't think direct confrontation will help.
I think you need to be clear. "Please do not contact me about jobs here. I am new on the job and need to keep my head down and just do the job." "I am feeling hounded with the constant communications about my new place of work."
This is still being polite but being absolutely clear. You may lose an aquaintance but this person could truly be dangerous to you and your job. Repeat as many times as necessary.
Your friend has no sense of boundaries, and you have not been firm enough in establishing them.
The one word you need to learn is the word NO. No, I cannot help you. No, I cannot refer you.
Definitely contact HR about the fact you are not referring her. I wouldn't even hestitate to say that I would not recommend her.
If she continues to badger you about the the name/email of your supervisor, besides telling her NO, block her email, block phone calls. Have no further contact with this woman.
Contact HR and let them know that you found out she is using your name as a reference, but you are not referring her.
I agree, this.
What nerve as someone already stated, she has boundaries issues.
That is actually laughable that she thinks anyone at new job has an "in", never mind your six weeks training period. I would say you need to be on the job at least 6 months yourself.
The thing is, most times she is a very good friend to me, and I enjoyed working with her. If she wasn't starting to exhibit the crazy- making obsessive behavior towards work that I have seen in the past not end well, I would want to work with her again.
I was trying to salvage the friendship from her obsessiveness about this job. Now, I am afraid if I confront her, she will retaliate.
At this point, you have to listen to your gut. You KNOW this is not a normal, healthy situation, so just give flat answers. You don't owe her anything going forward.
What if they don't contact you and she gets hired?
Quote:
Originally Posted by new_job1
I was trying to salvage the friendship from her obsessiveness about this job. Now, I am afraid if I confront her, she will retaliate.
She's a bully. She will retaliate. That's why you don't confront her. You become busy and slowly cease contact. Don't respond to her emails. When she catches up with you via phone, say you're super busy. If she invites you to do something, say you wish you could but it's too short notice or it's too far in advance you're not sure you can. I normally don't encourage people to be passive, but I think she sounds crazy enough to retaliate via calling your HR department or something.
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