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I'm sorry you are going through this. It is very hard to understand these kind of relationships because society has us convinced that ALL parents are loving and kind, despite the glaring evidence to the contrary. For those us without loving, kind and supportive parents, it feels like we have somehow done something "wrong" to not have that. It's not necessarily true.
The reality is you can't "fix" something you didn't break. We are only one half of any given relationship and can only be responsible for our part of bridging the gap. You can start by letting your father know that you love him, would like to have a good relationship with him and will be available whenever he wants to take you up on that. And, then...let it go. It is hard. It hurts. It causes a sense of loss because our parents didn't get sick and die, or have an accident and pass away. They made a CHOICE to not try to have a good relationship with us and, in many ways, that's worse than them dying because they are still "unreachable" but physically here.
There are several books that might help shed some light on this for you and help you understand this dynamic better.
"Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward
"If You Had Controlling Parents" by Dan Neuharth
"Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw
"The Self-Esteem Workbook" by Glen Schiraldi
"Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame: by Beverly Engel
There are many more books out there, but this will give you a start. Your public library should have them.
In the meantime, remember that you are the only person you can control and you have the ability to make peace, within yourself, for the sense of loss you have regarding this relationship.
Each day is a new opportunity to find joy, peace and happiness within your own heart. Rejoice in that.
One thing you should realize is that you don't need a relationship with your dad to make your life complete. He may not ever be capable of being the man you want him to be. The way your dad treats you doesn't determine your worth...if he can't love you, that's his problem, not a failing in yourself.
My husband had a bad relationship with his dad. I used to try to help him work on it and make his dad a part of our family, but his dad set impossible standards for him (career goals that were impossible with the birth defect my husband was born with) and refused him love if he didn't meet those standards. Not only that, but his dad also decided our children weren't good enough and told them so. At that point, we decided we didn't want his dad as a part of our family and we quit communicating with him. He died a couple of years ago, and my husband never got the closure he wanted from him, but at least we know the man is safely in the ground and cannot show up again to cause my husband any more hurt.
One thing you should realize is that you don't need a relationship with your dad to make your life complete. He may not ever be capable of being the man you want him to be. The way your dad treats you doesn't determine your worth...if he can't love you, that's his problem, not a failing in yourself.
My husband had a bad relationship with his dad. I used to try to help him work on it and make his dad a part of our family, but his dad set impossible standards for him (career goals that were impossible with the birth defect my husband was born with) and refused him love if he didn't meet those standards. Not only that, but his dad also decided our children weren't good enough and told them so. At that point, we decided we didn't want his dad as a part of our family and we quit communicating with him. He died a couple of years ago, and my husband never got the closure he wanted from him, but at least we know the man is safely in the ground and cannot show up again to cause my husband any more hurt.
I feel badly for your husband, in that he had that kind of conditional love, but evidently he grew up to be the kind of man that was an excellent father, in that he refused to allow his children to be exposed to that same toxic attitude. Good for him and you.
Sometimes being a good parent to your own kids is the best therapy you can get.
As a little girl I had a pretty bad relationship with my dad..he was very abusive to my siblings and I, and even our mother. Verbally and physically. It would get very bad sometimes, so that when he came home from work we would hide. He had a bad temper and didn't know how to control it. As we got older, he stopped being abusive and hasnt hurt any of us physically, but hes never apologized or owned up to how bad of a father he was. Now he lives away from us at his job and comes home after a few weeks. Hes better now, yet he still doesnt know how to love. Hes very distant and detached. He says he loves me but i cant feel it. I mean its just a empty word unless you show it or put some action behind it. He had a bad childhood, and I know that he was a very hardworking father, but I still want him to be in my life more, to try to start fresh and maybe get back the relationship we lost when I was younger, but I dont think he notices or really knows how to have a relationship with people. I dont know why people have children when they cant be there for them and love them. I think its so selfish to have kids and then treat them so badly or detach yourself from them. I think it sets up a cycle, you treat them badly and it affects them so much and then they end up needing therapy or treating their own kids badly too. I guess what I am really trying to ask here is, has anyone successfully fixed a bad relationship with their dad? Any tips on how I can attempt to fix it myself? Or am I just holding on to the past too much? I just want some closure with my dad but I dont even know how to start or if its even worth it.
This is NOT me blaming you. This is me pointing out things that most people don't know about and don't notice. This is for educational purposes.
Just would like to point out that you're saying that your dad is selfish... But what you want to do now is all about you and your wishes. You want to feel closer because you miss that kind of thing. You want closure so you want your dad to get out of his comfort zone and to feel uncomfortable in order to make you feel better.
Not blaming you or anything. Just pointing out that it's human nature to look out for themselves. Your dad did that for himself. Now you're trying to do the same thing. You want him to do something he doesn't want to do, just to make it better for you.
We blame our parents for being bad to us sometimes. But they are also victims of bad genes and bad upbringing and bad circumstances and bad feelings inside. He has learned not to be emotional because it's the way to get less hurt. He needed that shield because of his childhood. So let him keep it. Be the bigger person and let him be the way he is. And you can tell him that you love him if you want to, but let him act the way is most comfortable for him. If you're not the selfish one.
Thank you everyone for your replies! You've all made me think a little harder about this problem with my father.
@sweetana3: I agree with you. A relationship is a two way street. Sometimes I think maybe I am the one who needs to change, but I am at a loss. I really should put this behind me, I'm carrying too much baggage.
@Miss Hepburn: I can agree with a lot of what you are saying, about not being able to please my dad...but I do understand that I need to let go of this. It is hurting me.
@willow wind: That is what I don't want to hear....accept the relationship. I want to change it, and I know that's so unlikely, but I would rather be told that. I mean, he has his moments and he does say he loves me, I can't feel it, because I've always liked someone showing me they loved me rather than telling me. I know I have to close this chapter though, thank you for your advice.
@cheryjohns: I agree with you. I will definitely treat my own children better in the future, if I do have kids. I did leave out a little, because otherwise it would be a long post, but my dad is loving at times, he just is very bipolar. He doesn't know the traditional way of love. He is verbal, saying I love you instead of actually showing it.
@jouster12: Yes, it is absolutely true. My fathers abuse both physically and emotionally affected myself and my siblings differently. We deal with our pain very differently, yet all of us have some baggage and hurt from my dad, but we all agree we will give our future families what we never had. I really just needed to hear that, that yes you are right, these are HIS issues. Not mine, and I really need to take this and make it into a mantra. I always feel like I need to change myself or maybe I did something wrong. Thank you for your insight. I have actually seen a therapist about two years back. I did talk a lot about my issues and she found that lots of them came from my relationship with my dad. A lot of anxiety and anger I got was because of him, and I have learned to sort of accept it. I will try out the diary/journal tactic, that's a good, objective idea.
@MissNM: Yes, forgiveness is all in my hands and I need to do it. I can take that step, you are right.
@JrzDefector: Thank you for your insight. I have seen a therapist actually, two years back. She found a lot of issues stemming from my father. Because of my father, I am actually not interested in pursuing anything with anyone. I don't think I am emotionally ready or willing, and seeing my father treat my mother that way really turned me off to any prospect. I could benefit from seeing a therapist again though, and talking some more about it.
@mjd07: Thank you so much for the book recommendations! Will definitely look into those and see if I can try to understand myself better. I really do feel like I deserve better from my dad, because society does show me the loving, supportive and caring father. The one who listens to and loves his daughter, and I feel cheated and angry because I don't have that from him.
@Hedgehog_Mom: I will hopefully be seeing a therapist again, a lot of people recommended that, and it seems like a good idea. The problem is, I feel like I absolutely do need a relationship with my dad. As much as I dislike him, I want to make him happy and proud of me, even though I don't know how I can. I'm really sorry about what your husband went through, but it makes me happy that he has treated his children with the utmost love. I hope I can be that kind of person too.
@LoveWisdom: Thank you for your point of view. I didn't think about it like that....that's a nice perspective actually. Perhaps he really does need some space and acceptance from me. He tells me sometimes that he never knew love from his dad because he died when he was so young, and his stepfather was a cruel and abusive man who used to beat him a lot. I understand that it really messed him up a lot. I just want him to love me though, and that is selfish because I try to blame him for things that are beyond his control. I can't imagine what he went through.
I do not believe that you can make anyone love anyone else. Love is different for each person who ever was or ever will be. Love to one person may mean - keep me company. To another it may be - save me. The possibilities are endless. We can never step into someone else's shoes, but we can try to imagine that perhaps they act as they do because of something that happened to them in the past.
I am sorry that you want him to "love" you. Exactly what do you mean by that? People are always seeking validation but what if they are not worthy of that validation? What if they are not living up to their true potential? Should they be given that validation just like that?
Relationships are difficult and often, our biggest fans turn out to be ourselves. If you appreciate yourself and love yourself, everything else is just icing on the cake.
Don't be so sad about whether or not your father "loves" you.
Worry about who you love and THAT, in itself, will not be lost in the universe.
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