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Old 03-27-2014, 02:30 PM
 
4,978 posts, read 7,279,071 times
Reputation: 7907

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Quote:
Originally Posted by sayulita View Post
You are not out of line. It's time to end the "friendship". She is clearly homophobic and bitter. There is nothing to be gained by staying friends with someone who hates you for being you. Sometimes I think people have forgotten what being a friend means. It means loving and supporting you through good times and bad. Accepting you completely, warts and all. You deserve better than what she is doling out to you.

She was wrong to search your Facebook postings in the first place. She completely invaded your privacy. You do not need to feel guilty that you weren't ready to out yourself back then. And she has no right to guilt you about it. It probably was not a good idea to kind of "lead her on' like you did, but she should have been better at picking up that you weren't into her.

I hope you have become more comfortable with being gay and are living your life to the fullest. She is keeping you from doing that if you're not. End it once and for all with her and surround yourself with true friends who love you just the way you are.
Thank you. My 20s were a very transitional period and growth period. I did eventually just come out. Not as big of a deal as I built it up in my head. If I mentione to her like "other people havent reacted as strongly as u have when they found out I was gay, not even my own parents and they've known me my whole life" she says things like "they're just being polite, not many people really accept gays, they're just being non-confrontational".... *sighs* im just like "ok, well, if u dont like me then dont hang out with me".... I'm just thinking about cutting her off. Like no big blow-out, no talk about it, no last fight, just simply no more communication.
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:30 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
2,731 posts, read 1,686,648 times
Reputation: 8437
I'm a straight female and I fell hard for a male classmate in college. He was 20 and I was 21. We went everywhere together, to the point where if one of us showed up anywhere alone, we would invariably be asked, "Where's Livvie?" or "Where's Josh?" (not our real names). We went on road trips together and visited both our families. I was head over heels in love with him, but after a couple of months, I began to think he might be gay. One night I gently asked him to tell me the truth, and he did. He had been acting the part of a straight guy at our conservative school in order to protect himself. Up to then, he had been very flirtatious with me, acting the part of a boyfriend to me and to everyone around us, (but with no real physical intimacy, only friendly hugs and kisses).

When he actually told me, I was absolutely devastated--I had been hoping against hope that I was wrong and we could be together romantically. I cried in private for weeks, because I really thought we were going to have a serious love relationship. But--I did not feel bitterness or anger towards him, only sadness that our society was such (this was the late 70s) that he felt unsafe telling the world who he really was.

We remained close friends for a couple of years (even shared an apartment for a time) until I got married and he moved away, and then we lost touch. I still remember him as one of the sweetest people I ever met.

My point being, anyone who would insult you and after seven years still be angry about this is not your friend, and hasn't been for a long time. You can find better friends than someone who would ever call you a name--come to think of it, it's actually better to be alone than to be with someone who would call you names.

If you really want to stay friends with her, you will need to make some strong boundaries. In my home, no one is allowed to use the "F" word, because to me it is as derogatory as any of the other insults people have used through the years to put others down and make them feel bad about themselves. I would also suggest that the next time she says, "You weren't gay when I met you," you can point out that if you were in fact not gay when you met her, she must have turned you gay. It sounds like she has a great sense of humor (not) so I'm sure she will appreciate the jest.
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:30 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
21,853 posts, read 23,091,654 times
Reputation: 37235
You made a mistake, years ago. You were young. She is supposedly your friend. Friends don't behave like that. Time to cut her loose and move on.
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:32 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
15,971 posts, read 12,736,940 times
Reputation: 31150
Quote:
Originally Posted by OptimusPrime69 View Post
You're right. I did. That's why I feel like I should possibly hang on...I created this, but it was 7 years ago! Like, come on already. I've apologized to her and my intention was never to hurt her. I was on the young side and very stupid. Had I known what I know now, I can confidently say I would have not let it get to that point, but at the time I was just so.... not wanting anyone to know I was gay. At that time I had made my mind up that no one would ever know. I was stupid to do that, but at what point have I paid my dues and this bitterness ends? How much longer must I keep putting up with her derogatory remarks when she gets angry with me? I just dont have the energy to do it anymore. I'm growing tired.
I would have gotten rid of her a long time ago. Why do you keep her around? Bad conscious? SHE snooped around, for that she got "punished". I would move on.
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:32 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 40,051,684 times
Reputation: 62030
You have made the mistake, recognized it, apologized for it and it should be done.
The fact that you have allowed her to treat you this way for 7 years is incredible.
It is beyond the time to tell her the friendship has passed it's expiration date and trust me she is not a real friend.
Move on and remember the lessons you have learned from all of this.
Good luck.
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:34 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
15,971 posts, read 12,736,940 times
Reputation: 31150
Quote:
Originally Posted by sayulita View Post
What does it matter? "Warts and all" is an expression commonly used to describe accepting someone or something in spite of whatever flaws they may have.

You didn't "add" anything except for putting "warts" in boldface.

Can we resume addressing the OP, please?

Just so everyone knows, you just repped me with the comment, "I suspect you have facial warts." How charming.
LOL.

Are you the CD joke police? Lighten up!
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:41 PM
 
Location: Chicago
3,275 posts, read 4,751,869 times
Reputation: 4036
I would let her go as a friend. I have been in a somewhat similar situation, in her shoes where I was falling for a gay friend that I didn't know was gay at first. It was tough to accept that we'd never be more than friends for a while and he didn't flirt with me or anything like that, really. So, I can see why this is hard for Erin.

At the same time, I would never call anyone the names she's called you. That is completely out of line. Considering her age her behavior seems totally inappropriate, as well. I handled things much better than Erin is and I was in high school at the time. She needs to grow up.

I would definitely get away from her as a friend, at the very least for a while. Don't feel even slightly bad about it. If anything, the time apart from her may give her some clarity and help her see that having a good person in your life as a friend is better than not having that person in your life at all.

From her perspective I imaging that right now it feels a little like she'd been broken up with. Personally, it would take me forever to get over an ex if I saw them constantly and trying to be friends with someone immediately would probably be impossible for me. So, I think she needs space from you, whether she realizes it or not.

Who knows, maybe in the future you can be friends again (if you want that).
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:44 PM
 
Location: Chicago
3,275 posts, read 4,751,869 times
Reputation: 4036
Quote:
Originally Posted by OptimusPrime69 View Post
Thank you. My 20s were a very transitional period and growth period. I did eventually just come out. Not as big of a deal as I built it up in my head. If I mentione to her like "other people havent reacted as strongly as u have when they found out I was gay, not even my own parents and they've known me my whole life" she says things like "they're just being polite, not many people really accept gays, they're just being non-confrontational".... *sighs* im just like "ok, well, if u dont like me then dont hang out with me".... I'm just thinking about cutting her off. Like no big blow-out, no talk about it, no last fight, just simply no more communication.
Ok, I take it back... you don't want to be friends with her ever if she says things like that. I hope you don't believe that nonsense!
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Old 03-27-2014, 04:00 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,985 posts, read 14,636,676 times
Reputation: 14868
Sounds like she is blaming you because she is 40 and alone. Has to be you - it can't be her, right? I have a feeling that had you been straight and married another woman - she would have come over and boiled your rabbit ala Glenn Close.

This woman not only is NOT your friend, she's bad for your mental health. Get far away and stay there.
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Old 03-27-2014, 04:14 PM
 
179 posts, read 186,974 times
Reputation: 541
Yea, ditto what everyone else pretty much said. Cut her off, block her on everything, just go cold turkey, she sounds like a real emotional vampire. I did a lot of stupid things in my early 20s, had I been gay I probably would have done something like this too if I weren't comfortable coming out. It sucks that it's still such a big deal, I can't imagine growing up in a society where I was forced to pretend to like dudes because that was the socially accepted norm. She also seems really homophobic, that's really not conducive to who you are as a person lol. She probably realizes she's past her prime and has some messed up idea in the back of her head about gay bashing you into being straight, don't be surprised if she takes you to her church or something to get your homosexual demon exorcised.
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