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Old 03-27-2014, 01:48 PM
 
4,978 posts, read 7,270,107 times
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I would just like some unbiased and honest feedback, pleae. I'll try and be as brief as possible.
Currently, I'm a 30 y/o gay male living and working in south Florida. This friend of mine, let's call her Erin is a straight female who's 10 years older than me at 40.

We met back in 2007 at work. I had recently graduated university and this was my first "adult" post-college full-time job. I was 23 years old and working in an undergraduate admissions office at a university. Erin was on my hiring committee and had participated in interviewing me for this position.... Upon being hired Erin was to be my direct supervisor.

At 23 I was not out to anyone. I was very much in the closet and just by looking and talking to me one would not guess I am gay. I am very average in my behavior. Very professional in my appearance and no one knew I was gay at that point. After a few weeks at my new job with Erin training me on many aspects of the job she started getting a bit playful and flirty with me. Erin was single. Erin would IM me on instant messager and joke around and be very very flirty. Being that I was not out and wanted NO ONE to know I was gay, I would flirt back...basically in order to cover up me being gay. Oh, how I wish I hadn't done that.

I didnt know how else to act. I certainly didnt want my work colleagues knowing I was gay. I didnt want anyone to know I was gay, not my family, not my friends, not my work colleagues, NO ONE. It was deepest, darkest secret. I played straight at that time. I wanted it to be a phase that would just go away. Well, obviously, being gay just doesn't go away.

Erin and I became close, very close. We would hang out on the weekends, go drinking, partying, even traveling together. She really began to fall for me. Naturally, she wanted to have sex. Of course, I always made up some excuse as to why I couldn't. I hated doing that, but in my head it was better than coming out. Nothing could be worse than coming out.

Anyway, we had traveled to Key Largo FL for a wedding one weekend. This was the wedding of a mutual coworker of ours, so we were eachother's date basically. I didnt bring my laptop, she did. I asked if I could use her laptop to check my facebook account. My mistake was I never logged off, I just "X'ed" out of internet explorer without logging off. OMG, I'm an idiot.

Well, 2 days later she sends me a text asking me who a certain individual was. (I had been messaging another gay male on facebook) I knew when she asked me who "X" was that she found out I was gay. I basically had to tell her at that point, she had gone through my entire message history on facebook, there was no denying it anymore. I was devesated, as was she. Someone had found out my secret. She was so angry with me and I can't blame her. I hid something from her. I led her to believe that maybe one day I'll mature and "come around" and like her the way she liked me.

The gig was up-- I was outted. I went through a completely strange period in my life after that. Erin was so devestated that she texted me telling me to come get her cat and that she was going to kill herself by ODing on Ambien and Xanex. She even cut her wrists and made it a point to show me. Not deep cuts, but scrapes across her wrists. I felt so so terrible and guilty. I had never encountered another girl pursuing me so much, I just didn't know what to do and the idea of coming out as gay was just nothing I couldn't bring myself to do. I was a wreck. I was a wreck for her and because I had betrayed her.

Anyway, after a very long 3 month period, we still remained in touch and saw eachother at work. Our relationship went from romantic to platonic. We eventually were just friends....good friends tho. We would still hang out on weekends and do stuff together.

However, whenever we get into a disagreement now or an argument now she never hesitates to call me a f@g, or a fudge-packer or whatever other derogatory term she can think of. She's angry about it still 7 years on. I get it, I guess.

I have repeatedly apologized to her and explained why I hadn't told her at the time and how I was still in my early 20s and I hadn't quite found myself yet and was unsure of myself and to be honest, deeply afraid to let people know I was gay. I thought being gay was the worst thing ever. I thought it would repulse people, so I kept it to myself. She still goes on about it today and how she feels betrayed and it often leads to an argument. Eventually it will turn in to this screaming match where she calls me all kinds of names specifically for gay people to make me feel bad. I give it right back to her asking why she's still single at 40--- terrible stuff. I hate going there.

I feel like she's never gonna get over the fact that i'm gay. I'm tired of her fighting with me about it. She often says "I wish u weren't gay" and stuff like that. It hurts me because it makes me feel worthless and like im wasting myself on men. I mean, I can't help that i'm gay--- it's how I was born or how I have always been. I can't change it.... It's literally just who I am. She says "well, I didn't meet you that way, u weren't gay when I met you" when in reality I was.... she just didn't know.

I am trying very hard to put myself in her shoes and how many years must I pay for my mistake of not telling her? How many years do I have to endure her bitterness and anger over it? She'll never seem to let it go and I'm getting tired of it. I'm beginning to think about just ending this friendship once and for all. Am I being out of line here?
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Old 03-27-2014, 01:57 PM
 
2,827 posts, read 4,134,161 times
Reputation: 6820
Quote:
Originally Posted by OptimusPrime69 View Post
I would just like some unbiased and honest feedback, pleae. I'll try and be as brief as possible.
Currently, I'm a 30 y/o gay male living and working in south Florida. This friend of mine, let's call her Erin is a straight female who's 10 years older than me at 40.

We met back in 2007 at work. I had recently graduated university and this was my first "adult" post-college full-time job. I was 23 years old and working in an undergraduate admissions office at a university. Erin was on my hiring committee and had participated in interviewing me for this position.... Upon being hired Erin was to be my direct supervisor.

At 23 I was not out to anyone. I was very much in the closet and just by looking and talking to me one would not guess I am gay. I am very average in my behavior. Very professional in my appearance and no one knew I was gay at that point. After a few weeks at my new job with Erin training me on many aspects of the job she started getting a bit playful and flirty with me. Erin was single. Erin would IM me on instant messager and joke around and be very very flirty. Being that I was not out and wanted NO ONE to know I was gay, I would flirt back...basically in order to cover up me being gay. Oh, how I wish I hadn't done that.

I didnt know how else to act. I certainly didnt want my work colleagues knowing I was gay. I didnt want anyone to know I was gay, not my family, not my friends, not my work colleagues, NO ONE. It was deepest, darkest secret. I played straight at that time. I wanted it to be a phase that would just go away. Well, obviously, being gay just doesn't go away.

Erin and I became close, very close. We would hang out on the weekends, go drinking, partying, even traveling together. She really began to fall for me. Naturally, she wanted to have sex. Of course, I always made up some excuse as to why I couldn't. I hated doing that, but in my head it was better than coming out. Nothing could be worse than coming out.

Anyway, we had traveled to Key Largo FL for a wedding one weekend. This was the wedding of a mutual coworker of ours, so we were eachother's date basically. I didnt bring my laptop, she did. I asked if I could use her laptop to check my facebook account. My mistake was I never logged off, I just "X'ed" out of internet explorer without logging off. OMG, I'm an idiot.

Well, 2 days later she sends me a text asking me who a certain individual was. (I had been messaging another gay male on facebook) I knew when she asked me who "X" was that she found out I was gay. I basically had to tell her at that point, she had gone through my entire message history on facebook, there was no denying it anymore. I was devesated, as was she. Someone had found out my secret. She was so angry with me and I can't blame her. I hid something from her. I led her to believe that maybe one day I'll mature and "come around" and like her the way she liked me.

The gig was up-- I was outted. I went through a completely strange period in my life after that. Erin was so devestated that she texted me telling me to come get her cat and that she was going to kill herself by ODing on Ambien and Xanex. She even cut her wrists and made it a point to show me. Not deep cuts, but scrapes across her wrists. I felt so so terrible and guilty. I had never encountered another girl pursuing me so much, I just didn't know what to do and the idea of coming out as gay was just nothing I couldn't bring myself to do. I was a wreck. I was a wreck for her and because I had betrayed her.

Anyway, after a very long 3 month period, we still remained in touch and saw eachother at work. Our relationship went from romantic to platonic. We eventually were just friends....good friends tho. We would still hang out on weekends and do stuff together.

However, whenever we get into a disagreement now or an argument now she never hesitates to call me a f@g, or a fudge-packer or whatever other derogatory term she can think of. She's angry about it still 7 years on. I get it, I guess.

I have repeatedly apologized to her and explained why I hadn't told her at the time and how I was still in my early 20s and I hadn't quite found myself yet and was unsure of myself and to be honest, deeply afraid to let people know I was gay. I thought being gay was the worst thing ever. I thought it would repulse people, so I kept it to myself. She still goes on about it today and how she feels betrayed and it often leads to an argument. Eventually it will turn in to this screaming match where she calls me all kinds of names specifically for gay people to make me feel bad. I give it right back to her asking why she's still single at 40--- terrible stuff. I hate going there.

I feel like she's never gonna get over the fact that i'm gay. I'm tired of her fighting with me about it. She often says "I wish u weren't gay" and stuff like that. It hurts me because it makes me feel worthless and like im wasting myself on men. I mean, I can't help that i'm gay--- it's how I was born or how I have always been. I can't change it.... It's literally just who I am. She says "well, I didn't meet you that way, u weren't gay when I met you" when in reality I was.... she just didn't know.

I am trying very hard to put myself in her shoes and how many years must I pay for my mistake of not telling her? How many years do I have to endure her bitterness and anger over it? She'll never seem to let it go and I'm getting tired of it. I'm beginning to think about just ending this friendship once and for all. Am I being out of line here?
You need to choose better friends. She is crazy. Friends make you feel good about yourself. End the friendship.
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:00 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
15,896 posts, read 12,703,320 times
Reputation: 31047
First - I have been rejected by alot of men and never thought they are gay for rejecting me. I wondered, yes, but gay? No, never.

She would have not ever guessed you were gay if you would have just not showed any interest. You could have gone a step further and lie a little - you are not over your ex yet, ....etc. etc.

You created a monster.

And yes, she is a drama queen, why keep her around? She will never be your friend. And to me, a person who snoops through my stuff is not trustworthy. I wouldn't waste my time.

You are not out of line, she is. But you contributed to it.
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:01 PM
 
3,491 posts, read 5,154,767 times
Reputation: 6513
You are not out of line. It's time to end the "friendship". She is clearly homophobic and bitter. There is nothing to be gained by staying friends with someone who hates you for being you. Sometimes I think people have forgotten what being a friend means. It means loving and supporting you through good times and bad. Accepting you completely, warts and all. You deserve better than what she is doling out to you.

She was wrong to search your Facebook postings in the first place. She completely invaded your privacy. You do not need to feel guilty that you weren't ready to out yourself back then. And she has no right to guilt you about it. It probably was not a good idea to kind of "lead her on' like you did, but she should have been better at picking up that you weren't into her.

I hope you have become more comfortable with being gay and are living your life to the fullest. She is keeping you from doing that if you're not. End it once and for all with her and surround yourself with true friends who love you just the way you are.
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:05 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
15,896 posts, read 12,703,320 times
Reputation: 31047
Quote:
Originally Posted by sayulita View Post
You are not out of line. It's time to end the "friendship". She is clearly homophobic and bitter. There is nothing to be gained by staying friends with someone who hates you for being you. Sometimes I think people have forgotten what being a friend means. It means loving and supporting you through good times and bad. Accepting you completely, warts and all. You deserve better than what she is doling out to you.

She was wrong to search your Facebook postings in the first place. She completely invaded your privacy. You do not need to feel guilty that you weren't ready to out yourself back then. And she has no right to guilt you about it. It probably was not a good idea to kind of "lead her on' like you did, but she should have been better at picking up that you weren't into her.

I hope you have become more comfortable with being gay and are living your life to the fullest. She is keeping you from doing that if you're not. End it once and for all with her and surround yourself with true friends who love you just the way you are.
not so sure about warts though. Pimples, too?
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:07 PM
 
3,491 posts, read 5,154,767 times
Reputation: 6513
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
not so sure about warts though. Pimples, too?
Seriously? This is all you've got to add to the conversation?
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:13 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
15,896 posts, read 12,703,320 times
Reputation: 31047
Quote:
Originally Posted by sayulita View Post
Seriously? This is all you've got to add to the conversation?
If you scroll up a little, you can see what I added.

Are we talking about foot warts or facial warts?
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:21 PM
 
3,491 posts, read 5,154,767 times
Reputation: 6513
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
If you scroll up a little, you can see what I added.

Are we talking about foot warts or facial warts?
What does it matter? "Warts and all" is an expression commonly used to describe accepting someone or something in spite of whatever flaws they may have.

You didn't "add" anything except for putting "warts" in boldface.

Can we resume addressing the OP, please?

Just so everyone knows, you just repped me with the comment, "I suspect you have facial warts." How charming.
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:25 PM
 
4,978 posts, read 7,270,107 times
Reputation: 7907
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
First - I have been rejected by alot of men and never thought they are gay for rejecting me. I wondered, yes, but gay? No, never.

She would have not ever guessed you were gay if you would have just not showed any interest. You could have gone a step further and lie a little - you are not over your ex yet, ....etc. etc.

You created a monster.

And yes, she is a drama queen, why keep her around? She will never be your friend. And to me, a person who snoops through my stuff is not trustworthy. I wouldn't waste my time.

You are not out of line, she is. But you contributed to it.
You're right. I did. That's why I feel like I should possibly hang on...I created this, but it was 7 years ago! Like, come on already. I've apologized to her and my intention was never to hurt her. I was on the young side and very stupid. Had I known what I know now, I can confidently say I would have not let it get to that point, but at the time I was just so.... not wanting anyone to know I was gay. At that time I had made my mind up that no one would ever know. I was stupid to do that, but at what point have I paid my dues and this bitterness ends? How much longer must I keep putting up with her derogatory remarks when she gets angry with me? I just dont have the energy to do it anymore. I'm growing tired.
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:29 PM
 
5,574 posts, read 5,808,899 times
Reputation: 16488
Quote:
Originally Posted by OptimusPrime69 View Post
Anyway, we had traveled to Key Largo FL for a wedding one weekend. This was the wedding of a mutual coworker of ours, so we were eachother's date basically. I didnt bring my laptop, she did. I asked if I could use her laptop to check my facebook account. My mistake was I never logged off, I just "X'ed" out of internet explorer without logging off. OMG, I'm an idiot.

Well, 2 days later she sends me a text asking me who a certain individual was. (I had been messaging another gay male on facebook) I knew when she asked me who "X" was that she found out I was gay. I basically had to tell her at that point, she had gone through my entire message history on facebook, there was no denying it anymore. I was devesated, as was she. Someone had found out my secret. She was so angry with me and I can't blame her. I hid something from her. I led her to believe that maybe one day I'll mature and "come around" and like her the way she liked me.
This is when the friendship should have ended. Even if you didn't log off, she shouldn't have read your private messages.

Stop feeling guilty. You didn't do anything wrong. Your sexuality is none of her business, and you have every right to decide for yourself how private or open you choose to be about it. You could have made some better choices about how to evade the subject, but there was nothing wrong with keeping it from her. I'm also kind of shocked that she felt it a good idea as your supervisor to be flirty with you. There was a big red flag right from the start.

She's 40, still single, and bitter. And taking it out on you. I don't know if she's saying the things she's saying because she's actually homophobic or because she's just trying to come up with the most hurtful things possible, but either way, she's a horrible friend. I assume you two no longer have a working relationship? If that's the case, evict her from your life and don't feel bad about it. If you do still have some level of a professional relationship, then of course you need to tread pretty carefully.
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